Pushing your Child to Success or to Failure

How much is too much? Do you push your child too much? These are questions that you may ask yourself.

For myself, I can tell you that I received very, very little pushing. My mother would simply say that she was proud of me and that she loved me to the moon. In regards to academics, comprehending her pride for me was mystifying – though I always did earn relatively good grades. In retrospect, I can say that I emerged from high school lacking some knowledge and experiences that might have smoothly propelled me through university. On the other, I was a reasonably confident young man who didn’t shy away from challenges. It is this inner strength that has made all the difference.

On the other hand, many parents take a different approach, pushing their children to obtain results. This pushing can lead to problems. Lynn Margolies, in “The Paradox of Pushing Kids to Succeed”, concludes: “When parents are overly invested in performance, kids are less likely to develop their own, more sustainable motivation”. She goes on to claim that raising the bar causes fear, even fear of failure, which can lead to avoidance of school-related matters, dull curiosity, and can end in lying. Worse yet, over the long term, this type of parental relationship can lead to stress, anxiety, substance abuse, and other forms of disastrous behavior. Others agree. Katherine Martinelli, in “When to Push Your Children”, provide an example, if your child is overly enthralled with video games but does not like sports (but likely needs exercise), hurling the child into sports may not be the best option; other, more suitable options can be found. It is not about what might motivate the parent but about what motivates the child.

Some children’s symptoms take a seemingly benign form in the beginning, only later to manifest themselves in more serious ways. Margolies warns that there are ‘perfectionists’ who hide behind accomplishments, “compartmentalizing negative feelings and parts of the self that would create conflict or disapproval”. These children are highly sensitive and fragile. In other cases, there are much more concrete reasons that can lead to friction. Martinelli mentions that some kids are unable to react successfully to parent demands because they have, for example, an anxiety disorder or learning disability. These situations are truly tragic because the child lacks the tools needed to fulfill the parents’ hopes. We have to observe and listen to our children to avoid such unpleasant situations.

Indeed, it is the sense of self that is at the heart of the matter. These children – no matter the type of case – are unable to develop their inner selves, strength of character and even ability to think in analytical and open-minded ways. Thus, Margolies adds, teens should make their own choice, and parents should be cognizant of their teen’s hobbies and interests. Parents should not use behavioristic rewards, punish for poor performance, lecture, or make “academic decisions” for the child. Now we have our work cut out for us.