The Role of Loneliness in Wayfinding

During my final year at Lehigh I made the decision that I wanted to continue my academic career, but I was unsure what path I wanted to take. I was craving a new and exciting experience that would allow me to grow as both a person and a student. With that in mind I applied to get my Masters degree in Sweden. While many told me they could not believe I was going to go, (whether that was with a negative or positive connotation is unclear), before I knew it, I was on a plane. This was the start of an adventure that has had both ups and downs. I want to highlight something that I struggled with. I want others to realize that it is not always sunshine and rainbows…although of course sometimes it can be. I found myself struggling with a loneliness that was new to me. I have felt lonely before, but there is a new variant of loneliness that comes with moving abroad.

Lonely is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a being without company”, “cut off from others”, “sad from being alone”, and so on. Being lonely is not something that most people strive for, or even expect, but it can creep up on you. As I made the decision to move to a new country all by myself, shockingly loneliness was not something I worried about. How naïve was I? As soon as I stepped foot into my student apartment in Sweden, the feeling of loneliness hit me like a brick wall. It was almost instantaneous. As I stood in my student apartment I realized that I really was alone. There were hardly any signs of life coming from my apartment building. Despite the fact that my building was designated for international students at my university, I didn’t meet anyone in my hall when I moved in, so I assumed it was because my neighbors hadn’t moved in yet. After classes started and students had all arrived, it was disappointing to realize that others in my housing weren’t as eager to make new friends as I was, or that they had already formed connections. Why were they able to form connections already and I wasn’t? In reality I had no idea when they had arrived, or if they had arrived alone as well. Even after a year of living there I had no idea who lived in the apartments in my hall. My apartment was located a bit outside the city in a more residential area so that contributed to me feeling more isolated. I had to look elsewhere to find a social network and support system for myself.

I realize now it was not naïve of me to assume I wouldn’t be lonely, instead I viewed moving to Sweden with rose-colored lenses. Sweden is viewed by many as a utopia of sorts. A country with one of the highest standards of living in the world. This is due to the emphasis on gender equity, safety, respect for the environment, and so much more. In my mind, a utopia is a place without loneliness. I had also studied abroad in Sweden in the past. During my previous study abroad experience I was in a program with other American students. We all arrived on the same day, had similar schedules laid out for us, and lived together. It was much easier to form connections, so I thought I would be just fine when returning for my Masters degree. For some reason, I didn’t think much about the differences in how my life in Sweden would be structured. Sure there were other students in the same situation as me, but I did not know where to begin in trying to connect with them. This was a key factor in my loneliness. I want it to be known to anyone reading this that loneliness is something that can have a deep and unexpected impact. It can manifest even in situations that are supposed to be “the time of your life” or “the best years of your life” such as moving to a brand new country and continuing your education.

Without a doubt, there was an amplitude of positive experiences I have had over the past year in Sweden. Afterall, I am excited to return to Sweden to finish my studies this coming year. A lot of this excitement comes from the fact that I know now what to expect, and I will no longer be experiencing things alone. When I initially decided to move to Sweden for graduate school, I was excited about many things. I couldn’t wait to eat kanelbullar (cinnamon buns) again and engage in the Swedish practice of fika. Fika is a prominent part of Swedish culture in which breaks are taken during the day to relax, enjoy a cup of coffee and a pastry. It may sound insignificant, but this practice emphasizes how it is important to take time for yourself and prioritize your overall well-being. A work-life balance is essential and more prominent in Swedish life than American from my experience. Weirdly enough, I was also super excited to be reunited with Swedish public transportation. It is clean, extremely punctual, safe, and accessible. To spare you any boredom, I’ll leave it at that.

Aside from the parts of my life in Sweden that I was looking forward to, I learned to appreciate so many more new things. This was partially a result of my loneliness which caused me to stop and look up. Quite literally, instead of looking at my phone, I would look up. It’s amazing to realize how many things haven’t been discovered just because you haven’t stopped and looked somewhere your eyes haven’t landed on yet. Discovering something new, even if it’s a flowerbed you haven’t seen before can help dissipate your loneliness with excitement.

Loneliness is a shared human emotion and experience. Loneliness can even lead to bonding across cultures, languages, and more. I found this to be true for me. Everyone knows what it means and how it feels to be lonely. Even if they do not know the word ‘lonely’, its weight can transcend language barriers. Loneliness pushes you out of your comfort zone. Loneliness lends a hand in wayfinding. I found that loneliness and what it means to be lonely shifts in different environments and cultural contexts.

The loneliness I felt was amplified because of the differences between American and Swedish culture. From my experience, I found that Swedes tend to be more reserved, especially in public spaces. I had to hold back from saying “hi, how are you?” or “good morning” to strangers, because people don’t greet or say hello to people they don’t personally know on the streets. It is seen as unusual to do so, and a giveaway to one’s foreignness. I found myself keeping my head straight and avoiding eye contact with strangers out of the fear of being labeled as a weird foreigner. I sometimes even missed having small talk with cashiers and talking about the weather. This was one of the elements of Swedish culture that contributed to feeling lonely the most. In the United States it's not unusual to greet a stranger, or even to compliment them. Sometimes complimenting a stranger on anything from their outfit to their positive attitude can make a large difference in their day. I personally have had experiences where a compliment from a stranger is enough to put a smile on my face and change my mood for the better. In the Swedish cultural context, compliments can be seen as ingenuine and make people feel uncomfortable. I believe that greeting from strangers in all forms can contribute to feeling more connected to others, and your community.

While at first, I found this to be kind of jarring and isolating, I learned to find some peace in these new cultural norms. Sometimes I found it refreshing to be able to walk down the street, or take a trip to the store without any social interaction. I was left with just my thoughts, or the music I was listening to. It kind of became “me-time.” This newfound peacefulness came from learning to view this cultural difference as less isolating as I got more used to this way of life. I did this by reflecting on cultural differences and learning as much Swedish as I could. Once I was able to learn some Swedish, I felt even less isolated. At times the loneliness could still creep up on me, but I was finding my way.

I am nowhere near fluent in Swedish, but I felt myself blending in more to society and feeling more integrated. Before I arrived in Sweden, I knew I wanted to learn Swedish, but I did not know it would help combat my loneliness. My Swedish tutor provided me with advice, guidance, and even friendship. The language skills I learned provided me with a stronger sense of belonging. I was able to step out of my comfort zone and practice my language skills while simultaneously meeting new people. I joined a student nation, which is like a student social club similar to a sorority or a fraternity. It is a co-ed organization that any student can join. The student nation hosts an amplitude of events from brunches, to sporting events or club nights. It was important for me to join one that had a presence of both Swedish and international students. I was able to practice my Swedish when I could, while also feeling comfort in the fact that I could fall back on English if necessary. I was making new friends and realizing I was not so lonely after all. While I was meeting Swedish students and feeling more connected with Swedish society, I also connected with other international students. I found that for some of the international students, they were in the same boat as me in terms of their feelings of loneliness. Our shared experiences brought us together and made me feel validation in how I was feeling.

While learning Swedish, messaging other students on Facebook, and trying new things worked for me, it wasn’t necessarily a cure. Despite having more of a support system, I still felt lonely at times. From going home after a long day and not having roommates, to feeling overwhelmed in the grocery store when I couldn’t tell the difference between the ridiculous amounts of milk products, are just some examples of how I continued to feel lonely. In turn, I learned to be comfortable alone. I learned to pause and try to figure things out on my own before immediately asking for help. There is nothing wrong with asking questions, but taking a breath and realizing you are more than capable can go a long way. Whether this was using google translate on my phone as a tool, or viewing getting lost as discovering a new place to explore, I got more comfortable. I learned to frame things in a more positive light, and thought to myself “I can do this” more times than I can count. I learned to believe in myself if I’m being completely honest. Aside from feeling comfortable alone, I realized how important it is to find people that make you feel comfortable as well. You can be picky with the people you surround yourself with if you need to. Find people that bring positivity and comfort to your life as opposed to just finding people to feel less lonely. In times where you might be feeling lonely, find comfort in the fact that you are learning to be more independent, whether that is intentional or not. Find something that sparks an interest, something that makes you happy, and something you can pour some energy into. I think that will help you find your way.