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Love Languages - How We Show and Receive Love
Heather Rafanello, MSW, LCSW
Love languages have been a hot topic in therapy for all of my career. People are often asking “What are my love languages” and “What if my partner and I have different love languages? Are we doomed?” Read on to learn all about what love languages are, how to learn your own love languages, and what to do if you and your partner have different love languages.
Gary Chapman is an author, speaker, and marriage counselor. In his work with couples, he began noticing that there were some patterns, specifically in how many couples were misunderstanding one another’s needs. This is when he came up with The Five Love Languages, which is a theory that explains the ways that we express love in relationships. He then went on to publish the book "The 5 Love Languages" in 1992.
Love languages are important because learning to understand another person’s love languages shows our commitment to them, and helps them realize that we are focused on their needs. Chapman’s theory in creating the love languages is that couples should make an effort to understand their partner’s love languages rather than trying to convince their partner to learn their own.
Working to better understand how your partner experiences love can help to put yourself in their shoes, and better understand their views. This cognitive flexibility is helpful in developing empathy in a relationship. Further, regularly talking to your partner about your needs not only builds empathy and understanding, but it fosters intimacy in your relationship. Through these conversations you are establishing depth, and connection in more significant ways. My favorite thing about love languages is that they allow us to show up in more meaningful and intentional ways for our partner. We too get to feel good when we see our partner light up because we made them feel noticed, loved, and valued.
I want to make something really clear in this article: There are no good or bad love languages. No love languages are better or worse than others. BUT there are ways to show your partner love that will resonate best for them. The Love Languages are a tool that allows you to better understand what your partner needs so that you can start to meet those needs and show them love in a way that they can feel it. For example, my top two love languages are words of affirmation, and gifts. I love to give and receive gifts, but I very much understand that my partner doesn’t receive love in this way. Do I still give him gifts? You bet I do, because that makes me feel good, but more importantly I make a consistent effort to spend quality time with him, because even though that might not feel like love to me, I know it matters to him and what matters to him matters to me.
In no particular order, the five love languages are:
Acts of Service
Words of affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving gifts
Quality Time
Let’s dive a little deeper into what each of these means.
Acts of Service:
Acts of Service means doing things to demonstrate to our partner that we love them. This can be sharing household responsibilities, offering to take a chore off their plate, and more. Ultimately, this love language is shown by surprising our partner through doing something. We can show our love through taking out the trash, filling the car up with gas, emptying the dishwasher, and more.
Words of Affirmation:
Words of Affirmation is all about expressing our love and affection through words. This can be praise, gratitude, quotes, etc. We can express these words through verbal communication, text messages, love notes, cards, and more. What might seem like a simple compliment to you could completely brighten someone’s day. Letting your partner know that you appreciated them doing X could totally uplift their mood.
Physical Touch
Physical touch might be the love language that I see as the most misunderstood. While sex is one way that couples can express their love through physical touch, this love language goes far beyond the bedroom. Someone who experiences love through physical touch will want hugs, to spend time cuddling on the couch, holding hands while driving in the car, getting a foot rub, or more.
Receiving Gifts
Receiving gifts is one that I also see commonly misunderstood, in that gifts do not have to be expensive or luxurious items. Those who experience love in this way not only treasure the gift itself, but also the effort that the gift giver put into it. Taking the time to pick out a gift for this person is equally as important, if not more important, than the price tag of the item. These gifts can even come in the form of something being passed on, or homemade. With this love language, it’s very much the thought that counts.
Quality Time
Quality time means spending uninterrupted, undivided, quality time with your partner. This doesn’t have to be daily, let’s be realistic because remember, this is not called ‘quantity time’ but rather focuses on the quality of the time spent together. This might look like a ‘no phones in bed’ rule like Justin Beiber and his wife Hailey Beiber have, or you can demonstrate this love language by actively listening to your partner, making eye contact, and truly focusing on them.
Now that you know a little bit more about the love languages, you can either take the free quiz, or ponder on some of these questions:
Do you feel more loved when your partner:
Tells you that they’re proud of you, or that they love you?
Plans a date night for just the two of you?
Tidies up the house for you?
Cuddles up next to you on the couch?
Surprises you with a special gift?
Answering or ordering these questions might help you better understand what your love languages could be. Remember, it’s absolutely okay to have different love languages from your partner, the key is that you both work together to communicate your needs and work through misunderstandings. This tool can help us better understand how to ‘speak the language’ of our partner, and in return be more compassionate when they are showing love to us in a way that’s different from how we receive it. I recommend that couples work together to understand one another’s love languages because it’s important to make an effort to show our partner love in a way that they can feel it, while also understanding that this might not be natural for them.
Things to Caution when using Love Languages
Some people can become competitive with their love languages, for example one partner might start to keep track and compare efforts. This can actually cause more discord and strain on relationships, and it becomes more unhelpful than productive.
The love languages will not fix all relationship challenges. This tool is to help raise awareness and understanding, but will not eliminate conflict, or heal past wounds.
Learning your partner's love languages does not automatically mean that you must show them. Some people really struggle, for valid reasons, to demonstrate love in a way that they cannot understand it. Be open with your partner, if nothing else use this tool to honestly communicate and get on the same page with one another.
The original model was focused on heterosexual couples, and even though the theory has been shown to apply to any partnership regardless of sexual orientation, it can feel frustrating to feel excluded in the text.
The Five Love Languages is a tool that many couples find to be helpful in fostering open communication and understanding in a relationship. I often tell my clients that life is like building a house: it’s hard work, we want to have a solid foundation, and we’ll need many tools. This is one tool, but you’re not going to show up to build a house with only one tool. Add this to your toolkit and use it when it’s helpful, but the Love Languages alone won’t create the ultimate relationship, that’s up to you and your partner.
Free Love Languages Quiz: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes
DISCLAIMER: This article is not intended to treat, or diagnose and medical conditions, nor is it a replacement for mental health or medical treatment. If you or someone you know is in need of clinical support, our team is able to provide therapy services to those in NJ and FL. Contact us to learn more. If you or someone you know is in need of immediate support please contact emergency services. U.S. Mental health crisis line: dial 988 ; medical emergency dial 911
Resources:
https://5lovelanguages.com/learn
https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538