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Boundaries - what are they & how to set them
Heather Rafanello MSW, LCSW @GrowingMindsetTherapy
The Oxford Dictionary defines a boundary as “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line,” which in part I agree with, and in part I don’t. Setting boundaries with others creates either emotional or physical space between people, but with the intention of drawing the two closer, creating space for peace and mutual respect. Boundaries allow people to create and set personal limits to protect their emotional and physical well-being while creating safety in a relationship. People can work to establish healthy boundaries at work, with family members, and with friends.
Boundaries vary from person to person, and often depend on the type of relationship. For example, some relationships require firm boundaries, while others need boundaries that are more fluid. Think of different types of fences: some homes have short picket fences or chain link fences, while others have tall wooden fences. Some fences have gates, and others are too tall to see over. Some homes might even have a moat surrounding them with a drawbridge and guards. Each of these is perfectly fine, because it’s what the homeowner feels is necessary to protect them. Boundaries are an emotional fence, they are how one protects themself, and their energy.
When trying to establish new boundaries, often people don’t know where to start. You can start by evaluating your different relationships, and how well they are working. Are your needs being met? Are you feeling supported, or cared for? Does the relationship feel balanced?
For example, many people may find themselves ignoring their work schedules: checking emails after hours, or spending more time working than you are compensated for. The simple act of drawing attention to this area of your life, and identifying this as an area for growth is a great place to start.
It’s really important to mention that setting boundaries sometimes feels selfish or mean, but if done well it’s the exact opposite. Boundaries are a form of self-care that might be uncomfortable at first, but in the long term they are beneficial in allowing both sides of a relationship to flourish. A boundary is not always saying “no” to someone or something; rather, think of boundaries as a way of saying “not right now.”
You will need to start to identify the beliefs or thoughts that lead you or others to continue to ignore and violate your boundaries. Reflecting on the thoughts or feelings that stop you from communicating your boundaries with others will allow you to identify what you need to do personally in order to prepare to start establishing new boundaries.
For example, you might think “She’s been there for me, I need to be there for her too.” It’s important to practice flexibility and try to create new belief systems that will allow you to establish (and maintain) healthy boundaries. Consider reframing the former thought to something like, “She’s been there for me, and I want to be there for her too but I know that I cannot be available 24/7.” or “She’s been there for me, and I’ll be able to give her my full attention tomorrow after work.” This allows you to identify times when you can be available to support their loved one, for your sake and theirs!
Some additional things to consider:
When starting out, the relationship will inevitably shift because the other person is used to it being different.
When someone reacts negatively to your new boundaries, it’s often more of a reflection of them than it is of you.
Setting boundaries is hard work, and it can also be rewarding work.
Boundaries allow you to give and receive more positively and peacefully.
Establishing new boundaries is hard work, which is why it’s so important to really do some self-reflecting and understand your needs, and where you are and are not communicating them. This allows you to pinpoint what is going well, and what needs some tweaking. Once the blueprint has been drawn, it’s time to start building a foundation.
You might need to have conversations with loved ones, or peers to inform them that they are going to be setting new boundaries. This can help them react more positively because they are aware of the changes that are coming. An example of this might be: “I know in the past that I was available for you after work hours, but moving forward I’m really trying to create more of a work life balance. If you choose to send emails after 5pm, please know that I will respond to them when I am back at work the following morning.”
For some, maintaining boundaries can be even harder than setting them. It’s crucial to establish an understanding of why the boundary needs to be set, and then commit to upholding that. Remember, others' resistance is not your responsibility: people may not like these boundaries at first, and that's natural because they are used to getting their own way. If this is a new practice, it’s probably going to feel awkward, but that’s just evidence that this is a great opportunity to grow.
DISCLAIMER: This article is not intended to treat, or diagnose and medical conditions, nor is it a replacement for mental health or medical treatment. If you or someone you know is in need of clinical support, our team is able to provide therapy services to those in NJ and FL. Contact us to learn more. If you or someone you know is in need of immediate support please contact emergency services. U.S. Mental health crisis line: dial 988 ; medical emergency dial 911