The (Totally Non-Annoying) Guide to Self-Care: How to Not Lose Your Mind in a World That Wants You to Lose Your Mind

1. 1. Take a Deep Breath. No, Seriously. Deeper.

So, breathing. It’s a thing we all do naturally. But apparently, we’re all doing it wrong. You’re supposed to take deep, slow breaths and let the oxygen flood your brain and save you from your impending existential crisis. Breathe in for four seconds, hold it for seven seconds, exhale for eight. Or you could just breathe into a paper bag until you forget why you’re panicking in the first place. Either way, breathing is a win.

If you want to take it to the next level, download a mindfulness app that tells you to "center yourself." I’m sure that’s totally going to help when you can’t even find your car keys.

2. Take a Hot Bath... Because Why Not Stew in Your Own Anxiety?

Ah, the classic self-care move: the bath. What better way to feel like a human casserole than to submerge yourself in hot water? Bonus points if you add bath bombs that fizz and release calming essential oils. I mean, if you can’t drown your problems in a glass of wine, why not drown them in lavender-scented bubbles?

And if you're thinking, “But I don’t have time to take a bath,” just remember: a bath can be as long or as short as you want. You can even bring your phone in there. Just be prepared for it to eventually look like a sad puddle of regret when it falls in. But hey, it’s a small price to pay for a 15-minute escape from reality.

3. Turn Off Social Media (Or At Least Mute Everyone Who Annoys You)

If you’re scrolling through Instagram or Twitter and your brain is turning into mush from all the perfect lives, influencers selling you overpriced candles, and political rants, then maybe it’s time to log off. Just for a minute. Or an hour. Or the rest of your life, depending on your mood.

I know, I know. “But I’ll miss out on all the cute dog videos!” Listen, the dogs will still be there when you come back. And maybe you’ll have a few less meltdowns when you’re not reading about how everyone else is apparently living their best life while you're over here just trying to figure out what to eat for dinner.

Pro tip: if you really want to spice things up, mute all notifications for a day and see if you’re still the same person when you return to the land of endless emails and unsolicited memes. Spoiler alert: you’ll survive.

4. Take a Walk (But Not a Life-Changing One)

Ah, nature. The great outdoors. It’s where people go when they want to look like they have their life together while they’re actually just avoiding a meltdown. Taking a walk can be incredibly rejuvenating—unless you’re trying to take a life-changing hike up a mountain because someone on Instagram told you that it would “clear your mind.” In reality, you’ll probably just get winded and realize you’ve been walking in circles for 45 minutes. But that’s your journey, and no one’s judging.

For maximum self-care, just stroll around the block. Let the fresh air (or, let’s be real, the exhaust fumes) hit your face and try to pretend that you’re not thinking about everything you’ve put off doing for the last three weeks. It counts, okay?

5. Do Nothing and Feel Guilty About It

This is the most advanced self-care technique. It requires a special level of self-discipline, especially if you’re the type of person who has a laundry list of things to do and never-ending productivity anxiety. The trick? Just stop. Sit. Watch a Netflix show that isn’t educational. Stare at the ceiling. Do nothing for a bit. It’s okay.

But here’s the catch: after about 10 minutes, your brain will start screaming, "You should be doing something!" “You’re a failure!” “That pile of laundry is going to swallow you whole!" And you’ll feel incredibly guilty. That’s normal. It’s also why self-care is a little bit of a scam.

But hey, you deserve it. Do nothing until you’re practically floating in a cloud of existential dread—and then do it again tomorrow.

6. Journal, But Make It Snarky

Journaling: It’s like talking to your best friend, but you can’t actually get a therapist to listen to your nonsense for free. So, you write it down. But instead of writing “Dear Diary,” you could just write whatever comes to mind. Maybe it’ll be deep, maybe it’ll be absurd. But either way, you’ll feel slightly less crazy.

Sample entry: "Dear journal, today I was supposed to meditate, but I mostly just thought about how I can’t remember if I locked my car. Also, I want to punch that one coworker who keeps sending me passive-aggressive emails about the “team spirit.” Seriously, how are they always so chipper?"

And remember, you don’t have to share it with anyone, so your deepest, most sarcastic thoughts are safe. And also, you’re not a failure because you didn’t achieve enlightenment by writing your feelings in the prettiest bullet journal possible. Self-care is just writing stuff down and pretending you’re solving the world’s problems. It works.

7. Sleep Like You Actually Like Yourself

Ah, sleep. That thing you know you need but keep avoiding, like a Netflix series you promised yourself you'd stop watching after one episode (and then you’re three seasons deep). Just try to get some decent sleep. Seriously. If you need to, black out the windows, throw your phone out the window (just kidding—don’t do that), and make your bed into a cozy fortress of solitude. You deserve to sleep like someone who isn’t emotionally tortured by a laundry list of things they haven’t done.

So, if you're trying to sleep and your brain starts rattling off every single thing you've forgotten to do (even that thing you said you’d do in 2016), try counting sheep. But make sure they’re judgmental sheep that remind you that you could have done more today.

Final Thought: Self-Care Is Mostly About Pretending You Have It Together

Look, self-care isn’t going to fix your life. It’s not going to solve your problems, and it’s definitely not going to make your boss stop emailing you at 10 p.m. But it might help you keep a little bit of your sanity intact. Maybe even enough to handle that next email without throwing your laptop out the window.

So go ahead—breathe deeply, take a bath, and then proceed to ignore everyone’s well-meaning advice. Because, let’s face it, the best form of self-care is knowing when to ignore the pressure to be perfect and just survive the day.

And remember: you’re doing fine. You’re just really good at pretending you’re not.