How to Absolutely, Without a Doubt, Get the Most Out of Your Therapy Session (or Not)

1. Arrive Late, but Make It Dramatic

Punctuality is for the weak. You’re paying for the full hour, but why not add a little spice by showing up 15 minutes late, flustered, and out of breath? That way, we can spend the first half of your session discussing how stressful parking was, instead of, you know, your deeply ingrained emotional wounds.

2. Give the Good Ol’ “I Don’t Know” to Every Question

“How are you feeling?” 

“I don’t know.”

“What’s been on your mind?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you want to work on today?”

“I don’t know.”

Stellar. Nothing quite gets us to the root of your issues like an unwavering commitment to existential ambiguity. A+ work!

3. Spill Every Single Detail in the Last Five Minutes

Oh, this is my personal favorite. Spend the majority of the session talking about your neighbor’s cat, then—right as I’m about to wrap up—casually drop, “Oh, by the way, I think my marriage is falling apart and I might quit my job.” Perfect timing! Nothing like a bombshell revelation as I’m reaching for my calendar to schedule your next appointment.

4. Ask for Advice, Then Completely Ignore It

You: “What should I do about my toxic friend?”

Me: Gives a well-thought-out, research-backed response.

You: “Yeah, I think I’ll just do the opposite.”

Fantastic strategy. I absolutely love when my wisdom is treated as a fun suggestion rather than professional guidance. Who doesn’t enjoy a little chaos?

5. Keep All the Important Stuff a Secret

You know what really helps therapy? Me not knowing anything. It’s absolutely thrilling to have to piece together your entire life like a detective solving a mystery with zero clues. Go ahead, keep all the juicy details locked up tight. I love a challenge!

6. Expect Me to Fix Everything Instantly

You’ve spent 30 years developing unhealthy coping mechanisms, but sure, let’s undo them in one hour. Makes total sense. If only I had a magic wand—oh wait, I don’t. But let’s set those expectations sky-high anyway, because what’s therapy without a little disillusionment?

7. Never Do the Homework I Assign

Remember when we discussed journaling? Practicing self-care? Setting boundaries? Of course you don’t—because that homework is sitting in the void of “things you said you’d do but never did.” That’s cool, though. Who needs progress when you can just vent every week and call it personal growth?

8. Make It a Monologue

Therapy is technically a conversation, but if you’d rather spend the full session talking without letting me get a word in, that’s totally fine. I love being a human diary. Listening is, after all, my job, but every now and then, I do enjoy saying something insightful. Maybe. Just a thought!

9. Pretend Everything Is Fine When It Clearly Isn’t

If you’re coming to therapy but telling me everything is “great,” “fine,” or “couldn’t be better,” I have to assume you’re either lost or just here for the plush couch. But hey, we can absolutely spend the hour pretending life is perfect if that’s what you want. Denial is a classic coping mechanism, after all.

10. Ghost Me

Ah, the classic therapy disappearing act. You’re on a roll, we’re making real progress, then—POOF! You vanish into the ether, never to be seen again. No warning, no closure, just a memory in my appointment book. It’s fine. Totally fine. I’ll just assume you’re thriving.

**Final Thoughts**

In all seriousness, therapy works best when you’re open, honest, and willing to engage. I get it—being vulnerable is hard. But if you want to see real change, try showing up (on time), talking about the stuff that actually matters, and maybe even attempting that homework once in a while. I promise I’m not assigning it for my own entertainment.

And hey, if you ever want to casually drop a life-altering crisis in the last five minutes, at least give me a heads-up so I can grab my notebook.

See you (hopefully) next session!