Why Changing Habits Is So Hard: A Therapist’s Guide to Your Dysfunctional Brain

1. Your Brain is Literally Wired for Laziness (Thanks Evolution)

First of all, let’s talk about neurobiology. It’s fun, right? (No? Well, it’s gonna get real fun now.)

Your brain’s primary job is to keep you alive—not to help you live your best life, eat kale, or finally run that 5k you’ve been talking about since 2015. No, no, no. Your brain’s main goal is survival, and guess what? The path of least resistance is always more comfortable. Your brain loves comfort like a fat cat loves napping on the sunniest windowsill. This means that even though you consciously know you should be eating a salad, your brain is all, “Nah, how about a pizza? Pizza equals survival, right? It’s in the shape of a circle, so... you get the logic.”

Change? New habits? They’re like super hard for your brain. Why? Because change requires extra effort, and effort is, well, energy. And why would your brain go to all that effort when it could just let you binge-watch three seasons of "The Office" for the 17th time while simultaneously eating ice cream directly from the container?

Your brain's dopamine system loves instant gratification. It’s the same reason you scroll through Instagram for hours, liking photos of random dogs instead of tackling your to-do list. Your brain is not here for your long-term goals—it’s here for the immediate satisfaction of nothing important, because, in the grand scheme of things, it would much rather enjoy the current moment than think about the future you with abs and a life plan.

2. Habits Are Like a Relationship: The More You Invest, the Harder It Is to Break Up

Imagine you’ve been in a long-term relationship with a habit. It's a toxic relationship, mind you—full of bad choices, disappointments, and unhealthy patterns—but it’s comfortable. You've been together for years. You’re used to each other. Trying to break up with a bad habit is like trying to break up with that one friend who always drags you into a nightclub at 2 AM even though you told them you’re definitely going to bed early. You know they’re bad for you, but they feel good in the moment.

When you’ve been doing something for a long time—whether it’s procrastination, eating junk food, or binge-watching Netflix—your brain has created neural pathways that basically say, “Hey, this is normal. This is what we do. Why would we do anything else?” It’s a deeply entrenched system, like an old sofa that’s been sitting in your living room for years—sure, it’s saggy and gross, but it’s yours. It’s hard to get rid of because you’re familiar with it. You know it. And that new, shiny habit you’re trying to build? It’s like asking your brain to leave the comfortable, messy couch behind for a yoga ball and a health smoothie.

But guess what? It’s possible to break up with that bad habit. It’s just really hard and requires a lot of awkward conversations, self-reflection, and some gentle resistance to the emotional manipulation of the couch (also known as your comfort zone).

3. The Myth of "Willpower" (Spoiler: It’s Not a Superpower)

Ah, willpower. The idea that if you just try hard enough, you’ll be able to ignore every temptation and become the glowing beacon of health and productivity you’ve always imagined. “If I just push through and make myself work out every day, I’ll be unstoppable!” Sure, Jan.

Here’s the thing about willpower: it’s like a muscle. And just like that one time you tried to do 50 push-ups on day one of your New Year’s resolution, it gets tired. Willpower gets depleted, fast. Which is why, by the time you’ve fought the urge to order pizza for the fourth time this week, your willpower is basically out of stock by the time you have to choose between a second glass of wine or doing the dishes. So, if you’re relying on willpower alone, you’ve basically set yourself up to fail. And it’s not your fault. Your brain’s primary directive is to protect you from exertion, not help you build a six-pack.

What works better? Automation. The more you can make your new habit automatic, the less your brain will resist it. It’s like installing a brand-new “habit” program on your brain that runs itself, without requiring much input from your tired, lazy willpower. Set yourself up for success by creating an environment where your new habit is easier to do than your old habit. For example: don’t keep the ice cream in the freezer if you’re trying to eat healthier. Put a yoga mat in the middle of your living room if you want to start exercising. The goal is to make your brain choose the easy route without having to think about it.

4. Perfectionism: The Silent Saboteur of Change

If you’ve ever decided to change a habit and then got super mad at yourself for not being perfect within 24 hours (spoiler: that’s not how this works), you’re dealing with perfectionism. Perfectionism is a trickster who convinces you that if you can’t change everything all at once, you might as well quit altogether.

You’re like, “I went to the gym once, but I ate an entire pizza afterward. So I might as well never go to the gym again, right?!” Wrong. That’s the perfectionism talking. Habits don’t need to be perfect. They just need to be consistent. So, go easy on yourself. You’re not going to wake up one day and suddenly be the kind of person who meal preps for an entire week while training for a marathon. You’re going to wake up and be the person who’s trying to do something different, and that’s a pretty damn good start.

5. Immediate Gratification Is Way More Fun Than “Delayed Success”

You know what’s more fun than working on a long-term goal? Anything else. It’s not your fault. Your brain is basically designed to chase the dopamine hit of things that feel good right now, like scrolling through TikTok or eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Long-term success? Yawn. That’s in the distant future. Why bother with that when you could be watching cat videos in the present moment?

But here’s the kicker: delayed gratification—the ability to resist those immediate rewards in favor of something better later on—is the secret sauce to changing habits. And no, it’s not easy. But with small, sustainable steps, you can start stacking those moments of self-discipline and feeling less terrible about yourself for not caving in to the ice cream truck every single day.

Conclusion: You’re Not a Failure, You’re Just Human

Look, changing habits is hard. There’s no magic pill, no one-size-fits-all solution. But the fact that you’re aware of your patterns and want to change them? That’s the first step. You’re doing great. Even if you’re currently eating chips for breakfast and binge-watching Netflix at 2 AM instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour, you’re still doing great.

So, cut yourself some slack. Be patient with yourself. And when your brain tries to sabotage you by convincing you that “tomorrow” is a better day to start changing—just remember, tomorrow is never going to show up until you make it today. So get up, try again, and maybe even order a salad instead of pizza. And if not, well, there’s always next Monday.