Jaymieson Vculek

200 Rats & 2,000 Cockroaches: Enough Big Pest Industry!

Two hundred rats, along with two thousand roaches, were arrested today for attempted murder. This war between the rats, roaches, and the pest control companies is getting out of hand. It all started when Ronald’s Rat & Pest Control, Inc. made a new poison. Pests were outraged. The Cockroaches have invaded Ronald’s bedroom, kitchen, walls, and basement, creating strongholds with passwords and armed (pawed) guards. The Rats have chewed Ron’s car’s wiring to ensure that he can not escape. Ron tried, but the rats had hidden inside his glovebox along with all Ron’s unpaid parking tickets. Ron was simply trying to drive to his mother’s funeral (she had recently succumbed to Prion Disease), but he was forced to turn around before he even hit the local 7-11 where he would normally buy a Slushie and a Wizard’s Finger (hot dogs desiccated by the rollers for over seven hours). Now the Rats are making his life even more miserable by calling him names and shredding his newspapers.

Ronald’s Rat & Pest Control, Inc. is one of the main enemies that the rats and cockroaches are up against. Ronald, founder of Ronald’s Rat and Pest Control Inc., said, “I am dumbfounded at these events. I am just doing business. Nothing personal. I am shocked at what this argument between me and the other side has come to. Mostly, I just want them to remove the armed blockade of my bathroom since I can’t even get to the 7-11 any more.”

We have as well interviewed the pests’ side. The pests said, “He is killing our children! We need food! But it’s all poisoned! Ron is clearly not skipping any meals, so what right does he have to say we can’t have a little nibble?”

People are starting to take sides.  Most of the “species-ist” townie population is taking Ron’s side. But the little percent that is taking rats’ and roaches’ side are starting riots and have destroyed the local muffin bakery. Efforts at rebuilding have been hampered by aggressive roaches in the wiring.

When will this stop? What will Ron do? Will he keep fighting? So many questions that can’t be answered right now. Ron said he’d be willing to negotiate, but the Rats had a quick reply: “We’re kind of getting used to Ron’s bed.”