In the Middle

By: Genera Fields, EMU Women's Resource Center Graduate Assistant

Binaries suck. There’s no way of getting around it. Either we are right or we are wrong, we pass or we do not. We must choose to identify with something or not identify with it, whether we want or do not want something- from birth, there always seems to be something we have to pick.

My identity is no different. The closest I’ve found to a gender identity that fully suits me is the phrase “Woman (Kind of)”. Because, though I often identify with femininity and the concept and community of womanhood, the label “woman” is just not something that sits with me. It’s something that has always been attributed to me that I went with, but never felt an earth-shattering connection to. Growing up I never voiced or complained about this. I knew about the concept of dysphoria, which the Oxford Dictionary defines as “a state of worry or general unhappiness”, but didn’t quite feel that label synced with what I felt, either. Being called “she” didn’t make me unhappy or upset, just…neutral.

I didn’t feel worthy of the space it would take to completely shift to using gender neutral pronouns without the sense of dysphoria I’d heard so many of my friends talk about. The kind that haunts them into silent shells of who they could be. The kind that has killed thousands of trans youth across the globe. I didn’t feel like the twinge of “not quite” I feel when people tell me I’m a “strong, independent woman” or a “brave woman” or even a “smart woman” was enough to push an entire narrative switch. Especially as someone who has always existed in the middle.

I am Black, but raised and trained in white spaces, so I’m the “oreo” of my family: Black and strong on the outside but white and weak on the inside because I “talk white” and “waste time” in higher education. I am Bisexual, but for the longest time I was told that my queerness was just because I hadn’t yet “found the right man”, and now that I’m in a relationship with someone who isn’t a girl I’m told it was just a “phase” until I found my place.

So of course I wouldn’t make a fuss about, once again, being in the middle. I started using both she and they pronouns towards the end of undergrad and experienced a wave of euphoria-outlined peace every time someone chose the “they” to refer to me. It was affirming. Fun. I felt seen. Whereas “she” still has the same response as someone saying what year it happens to be; it is fact, it helps me contextualize. Something I’m used to and not mad at it.

Coming into graduate school, I had the opportunity to add a preferred pronoun to all of EMU’s system. Again, I was stuck between which part of myself to use because, in the system, I was not able to put both “she” and “they” pronouns. But, ultimately, I chose to put “They” because I figured a little extra affirmation would probably help my educational journey.

And…Nothing happened. At all. My professors are usually pretty solid, but of the 6 I’ve had I can only remember 2 of them ever making a point to ask about pronouns in class and none of them have ever used the “they” pronoun for me. Ever.

I never said anything about it because I’m raised to not make a fuss about these things, “she” is something that I respond to, and I didn’t think writing my pronouns in the system would help anyway, but I can’t help but wonder- if my pronouns were never honored, were anyone’s? And what would it mean to a student who did experience dysphoria day in and out of the classroom, feeling unable to say anything beyond what they had already put into their student information?

It is not lost on me that the two professors who did make a point to discuss gender and identity had the classes I flourished in. Because it makes a very real, very noticeable difference to be seen. When people “they” me, I feel like everything’s okay. Like I don’t have to be stuck in the middle, choosing which identity to put forward to be the least inconvenient.

Concluding Comments from Amy Finkenbine, Director of EMU's LGBT Resource Center

This was a brief window into the life of just one student, Genera Fields (they/she), Graduate Assistant for the Women’s Resource Center. As the Interim Director for our affinity centers on campus, i.e. the Center of Race and Ethnicity, the LGBT Resource Center, and the Women’s Resource Center, Genera’s story is unique, but also not uncommon across our campus’ classrooms. As they shared, the importance of nurturing and recognizing a student’s affirmed identity within academic spaces can be critical to their academic success. Effective teaching and learning strategies can be pulled from many different adult learning and student development theories. From Maslow to behaviorism to Chickering, back through social or experiential, each educator can make choices grounded in theory and practice that incorporate easy wins for creating the best learning environment for their students. For this upcoming Trans Day of Visibility, I encourage faculty across disciplines to find ways to recognize, practice, and use a student’s affirmed name and pronouns within their classrooms. If you’re wondering where to start, check out our LGBT Resource Center’s upcoming collaboration with the Faculty Development Center on March 23rd, to learn more!