2022-23

On family background and 9/11

My family immigrated here in 2001, right before 9/11 happened.

The neighborhood they were originally living in at the time is not my current neighborhood. It did not have a big South Asian population, it was mainly a white neighborhood. The hate that they got was not like physical violence but there were a lot of verbal altercations they had to go through. And a few months later they moved — and that’s when they did their research, they found a community that had more South Asian people and that’s the community where I was born. 

We used to try to go back to [Pakistan] either every year or every other year. We haven’t been able to go back the past three years because of Covid, but I think my parents are planning a trip next winter break. Going during the summer is more fun because you have more time but it’s also less fun because it’s really really hot. I think temperatures can reach up to like 120(degrees) sometimes, and here, when it’s only like 90[degrees] I’ll be complaining. I can’t imagine 120.

My mom’s entire half of the family lives in Pakistan but my dad’s entire half lives here and so it’s kinda fun because here when I’m with my dad’s side, they’re all younger than me because he’s the oldest of his siblings, and so it’s like my duty to entertain them but then we go back to Pakistan, and we hang out with my mom’s side of the family, they’re all older because my mom’s the youngest of her siblings and so it’s their turn to entertain us. And they get to like drive us around. I just like being driven around, I’m realizing.

On growing up different

I guess I realized I was different when I started elementary school and I noticed that “Oh, not all of these people look like me.” Which is a normal realization but then I realized that not all of these kids were raised the same as me either. And so sometimes I would be hanging out with some of my white classmates and that’s when I realized that some people wear shoes inside their homes. How disgusting. And they — they bathe their babies in the same sink that they washed their meat in…

I also realized I was different because my parents — due to the criticism that they faced not just after 9/11 happened, but in the years afterward as well — they became very cautious and very suspicious. They wanted to move back to Pakistan after 9/11 happened but then I think they were like, “Oh, but we went through all that trouble to immigrate here for our kids’ education, so we should at least give it a try.” And they did give it a try, but they wouldn’t ever let us go to friends’ houses or let friends come over to our house. They would say “If anyone invites you anywhere, you absolutely say no. Don’t ever take anything from anyone even if they offer it to you.” I would get so many dumb little gifts from my friends, like little bracelets, and little anklets, and my parents would always say “No, you can’t accept it,” cause then what if they go to their parents or the principal later and say that you stole it? And then they check you and it’s on you. So my parents were very skeptical. I don’t think that 7-year-olds would do that to each other but you never know, I guess. Now, I understand what they were trying to protect me from but at the time, I was so frustrated. At the time, I was like, “All my friends can have sleepovers and have birthday parties and go to each other’s houses whenever they want,” and my parents would always keep us so sheltered. And so I think that for a very long time, I harbored a lot of…not-nice sentiments about my parents. But now I understand.

On community

Sometimes I would go to my parents and say, “There’s another South Asian family” or “There’s another Muslim family; can I have a sleepover?” and even then my parents would say “No, you can’t trust anyone.” 

Well now the community we live in now was different from before, because we have so many other South Asian, Black, Hispanic people in our neighborhood — we have everyone. So my parents will let me go over to my friends’ houses now — like sometimes if my mom makes a lot of food, she’ll put them in boxes and send us to our neighbor’s houses to give them stuff. And so now, at least now we’re able to go to their houses, if only for a little while, but before my parents wouldn’t even let us go to their houses at all.

On being biracial

For the first half of my life, I would only ever admit that I was Chinese, as someone who had a lot of family issues growing up. I'm actually part Hispanic, but that was not something I was allowed to talk about... [Only] very recently coming into college I openly would talk about that, that I'm Chinese and Hispanic; my moms from El Salvador and my dad’s from Hong Kong. Beyond that, somewhat niche-er… I’m a first-gen college student of immigrant parents. 

I think I'm someone who often feels lost in both cultures or settings of the East Asian side and the Hispanic side. I guess my identity is very mixed, very intersectional, and very awkward in divisions. I was a lot more intentional about [my identity] after Covid. I went to a PWI high school — it was a place where I would come home and tell my dad “I don't want you to pack seaweed anymore” because people would make fun of me and I never ate it there again... I was weirdly embarrassed about a lot of parts of being Asian growing up. Even just the fact that my parents — my mom had an accent, and that really embarrassed me. Coming into college I was like, “I actually really want to meet more people who are like me, more people of color,” because I didn't have a lot of friends who were people of color growing up — at least not to the extent that I do now. One thing i was surprised by was the realization that — well I don't speak Mandarin at home; I speak Cantonese — that was a big…shocker. I remember during struggles in freshman year I would find videos or podcasts that were spoken in Cantonese just because it reminded me of home…I had only met two people who spoke Cantonese on this campus. And like that alone was more people than I had met before that spoke Cantonese outside this college. And I also had never met someone who was also Hispanic and Asian like ever until college… 

I was born in NOVA…to sum it up in one package, I initially grew up with my birth mom in a bit of a different place, a bit of a rougher neighborhood, definitely more low-income and more people of color there. Education wasn't as great. After a little bit, I went to live with my dad and stepmom, and that's who — going forward — I refer to as my family. My family has a Chinese restaurant, and that is a lot of my backstory. I grew up in that restaurant in the earlier parts of my life, with my grandparents — away from my parents — because we actually had two restaurants. The one my parents ran was further from where I lived and went to school so I was mostly in the restaurant closer to my house, with my grandma, my uncle, and my aunt. So primarily for my early years, I didn't see my parents at all — I was mostly raised by my grandma, my uncles, and my aunts in that restaurant. 

It was mostly into middle school and high school where I was allowed to be on my own. I was spending insane amounts of solitude at my own house or working… and so a lot of who I am today has a lot to do with that independence I gained from being away from my parents. A lot of my understanding both linguistically and [sic] has come from my birth mom because as much as a lot of people wanted me to hide the fact that I was Hispanic, I ultimately was and — Spanish was my first language. That has come to shape a lot of the understandings I have of other people that I have today. Especially earlier, being in low-income households. That was honestly, more than culturally, the biggest switch, going from what you would imagine a more “ghetto” neighborhood to a more “white-picket fence,” with a good school. That was honestly more jarring to me. 

When did you realize that you were different? 

Honestly, there are blatant moments of racism, but then what was actually the most prominent in my memory... It sounds so silly but I feel like it’s so real, when I was in elementary school and I would have these crushes on these white boys and none of them ever liked me back. I think it became more obvious to me because it wasn’t like “Oh, we don't talk so this random person doesn't like me [back],” but it was “Oh, we’re best friends but he only likes my best friend, who is white.” It did a lot to my self-worth when I was younger. I also think that when i was younger a lot of people were like “Yeah it’s not that big of a deal,” but quite literally it wasn't until I was almost into college and got more into the Korean culture wave. And that’s where I started noticing things in other people that I had never before where I was like “Oh, black hair is actually really pretty — this feature is actually really aesthetic” and I shit you not, it was like “I'm noticing people in grocery stores I never have before.” It was exactly that kind of feeling where I was like “Oh, he’s cute!” But I would never have noticed him before.

On beauty standards

I also think that in both beauty standards… I think the ultimate goal should be to have like a better representation of the diversity [within race]. When you focus in and have an obsession with one kind of feature or look, that’s an issue — whether that’s like blonde “whiteness” or “Asianness” — even Korean beauty standards have their own issues like weight, colorism, etc. 

I’ve definitely felt that as someone who is biracial — no one who’s Chinese ever thinks I’m Chinese, and no one who’s Hispanic ever thinks I’m Hispanic. I felt this really prominently in both LASU and CSO — not that they’re not great — but it’s really a place where you see a concentration of, like, “this is the standard” … like “oh, all the guys like girls who look like this, the Asian beauty standard,” and I’m not that.

On academic pressures

I went to a decently rigorous high school and W&M matched that kind of academic pace, but I think that following Covid, I struggled a lot mentally. I think coming to a new school left me grappling academically and feeling very much behind — not necessarily not smart enough but struggling academically. I think that, having talked to a few other people also struggling at W&M  and not for reasons that they’re “not smart” — that’s usually just not the case at all, I think it’s just something I wish I saw more people talking about and more people being open about. I went to a high school with like six suicides over academic rigor, and that’s kind of something I see in the culture here that I would really like to be different and I think that is very much the norm. It [makes me] feel like the Other sometimes, and I honestly make it a common practice to [not] ask people what they got on exams and [not] tell people what I got on exams because I don’t think it really matters. You’re doing the best you can in the class and I guess that’s something I’ve been a lot more humbled by — more than I would have ever liked to admit before. I'm very much a perfectionist. I think a lot of people also underestimate that W&M is very much an institution where people are teaching in one way, in a very specific way, and it’s not the most accommodating or easy to understand for people who don’t learn in those ways. 

On AASI

I have a lot of respect for AASI and the initiatives and messaging that they support. To my understanding, it differs from MCOs [multicultural organizations] — I think it brings together the Asian community together in general, whether it be biracial or adoptee or— often South Asian community is left out. [There’s] a more outward facing direction that’s more advocacy and education focused, but not just like bonding within cultures. For AASI, i would like to see more South Asian representation; I think there are a lot of things that could go better, but it’s in really good hands right now. I think you have such dedicated people in different identities in such interesting areas of study that are so passionate. I'm really excited to see what you guys do. For FACES, I think it’s a really fun way to talk to people, it’s creative, and it’s something that I think is so important to champion. In any organization that vouches for diversity, equity, and inclusion [it is important] to hear different stories because diversity, equity, and inclusion don’t just mean being a minority race. I think diversity looks a lot of different ways outside of race, and there are so many different stories for Asian people to tell outside of the immigrant story, and that’s so important to tell in a diverse landscape — Asian American doesn’t look just one way. 

On her Asian American hero

An Asian American hero tangibly in my life, in probably a lot of ways, is my grandfather. Even though I did not know him for any of my life, a lot of his stories and values — 90% of the values and things I believe in, stand by, all come from morals instilled by my father which are largely based on the experiences of my grandfather.