Photography as Reclaiming Me

There was a period in my adolescence when I didn’t like taking photos. I was never the “pretty” one in any group, and growing up in predominantly White communities can do something to a young child’s psyche. I would constantly critique every part of me, the parts that no one cared about but were my constant disparaging reality. American and South Korean beauty standards in the media, especially in the 2010s (and now), were not kind to my adolescent self. They were not kind to anyone, even the models that supposedly “fit” those standards. I didn’t like my monolids, the shape that was made fun of when I was a kid. I didn’t like my nose and lips because of their asymmetry. After years of dealing with acne, I had to constantly reframe the way I saw my skin and the fear that acne would come back. I didn’t like the shape of my eyebrows, which I changed. And my hair never really fell the right way. My body was just never the right shape. Too small and too big, all in the supposedly wrong places. I was the Gordon Ramsey of how I looked, only I never took two pieces of bread and called myself an idiot sandwich. 

I promise this has a happy ending to this narrative– well, happy ending adjacent. I took up exercising more often in the past couple of years. Though my reasons for starting to exercise were silly, my philosophy evolved, and I grew to have a healthier balance with food and exercise. Now, I can piggyback my friends (and my mom) for fun and feel strong. I also have a wonderful support system. They hype me up and encourage me to be well. During AASI homecoming, I took photos of my friends in Sadler to test the camera's lighting beforehand. The way they posed and the confidence they exuded was enviable. Somehow, they were able to capture everything they wanted in a photograph, something I never could do. Both people of Asian descent, I felt like they had something I wanted– a skill I wanted to learn. I learned that it’s all about the angles, and when they say the beauty industry manufactures beauty. They’re right. 

Every person you meet and see has something that they’re insecure about. Perhaps you have something they’re envious of. And I share this narrative to encourage people to do what I did. Go out there and take any pictures, at all angles of yourself. Find the ones you like (and don’t) and appreciate them. Figure out the ways you can validate yourself. This body and face we have is the only one we get for the short time we have on Earth. To focus that time on self-loathing is a tragedy. And surround yourself with the people who appreciate you. I only had the confidence to take these photos because the world’s best hype-men surrounded me. People who celebrated me for who I was, not the estimated worth I would bring to their lives. 

I still am self-conscious. I’m learning to appreciate my eye shape and, quite frankly, my face. A simple photo shoot didn’t fix every insecurity I had. But I do feel better. I do feel empowered to be myself unapologetically. I don’t think that my Asianness that doesn’t fit the celebrity standard is a disadvantage. I feel seen and validated in the different dimensions that exist within me. I genuinely believe that I can take any genre of photography out there. You don’t have to be one thing. You don’t need to fit the mold you have been type-casted by other people’s perception of you. You are free to be multifaceted. And if I can, so can you.