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POEMS

Circe’s Island

Abandoned, I am cast aside

So I’ll make this my Aeaea

This isolated plane of mine

Begin a witch’s career.

I cannot leave this residence

There is nowhere to return

These mistakes I won’t repeat

You live and you learn.

Like Circe I will take the Earth

And use its gifts for life,

There is so much more to me

Than my history as a wife.

So I take this new found family

Though I’ve not far to roam

And like magic form a better world

A new place to call my home.

The Red Bus Ballad

I was never the impulsive type

Then stood, roadside, thumb out

I wouldn’t recommend the risk

But with you I didn’t doubt.

London, just us, over night

No money and no plan,

No I never was impulsive,

But I took your hand and ran.

The evening with no place to stay

Found our bed at Victoria

This red shell our one night home

A small piece of euphoria

No impulsive is not what I was

But what I am is free

If I could, I would, do it again

Once more, just you and me

Unapologetic

Learning to stay

Out of my own way

Is easier said than done

Because I know me

And all I can be

Is this unapologetic someone

And sorry’s demanded are not earned

I’d rather stand then sit

You may think me a daemon for my existing

But I’d rather lose than quit

I’d rather be unorthodox

And live like a paradox

Then fit in a bubble

Buried under the rubble

Of who I’m expected to be

Ask of your god

Why I am still odd

In spite of your exorcism

I’ll do myself proud

And make my voice loud

In a world of anarchism

I’ll make my own peace

in what I build for myself

I’ll be richer than you could believe

With a greater idea of wealth

The Crow

How long is the journey

As the crow flies?

I think a lifetime

As i hear its cries

With broken bones

And a broken shout

This bird just waits

To make it out

Somehow intertwined

Nest next to nest

I see your fate now

As my own test.

Free like a bird

With damaged wings

Yet through all its gasps

This bird still sings

It might not make tomorrow

But neither could I

Too grounded by trauma

And still we’ll try

There is no quiet fading

No more saying goodnight

Birds take hold of their journey

So stay up and fight.

Sober

I’m still sober

I don’t remember the day

That the choice was made

I woke up that way

And started working for it

Starting a battle, internal

To survive the years

And be clean eternal.

I’m still sober

But I’ve still felt the laugher

Where I couldn’t breathe

Or stop crying after

And the smile could stay

For as long as i needed

With those better thoughts

I had self seeded

I’m still sober

And I manage my addictions

With a loss of control

And stopping predictions

Of where I am going

And who I’ll be with

Because I’m still sober

And I choose to live.

Every lie, mistreatment, and crime.

Sometimes when I try to stand

I don’t think I can hold up the weight

Of this life time of circumstance

And still somehow spin every plate,

Because I have a history

Littered with horrors and mistakes

And with this pressure on top of me

I wait to be the one who breaks

The damage inflicted

The truths held restricted

I could not have predicted

How heavy each loss

And all of the cost

In every goodbye,

Lie

Mistreatment and crime.

I’ve lost all of my energy

While making sure I was there

I took at the abuses and pain

Trying to show that I care.

All the things stolen from me

Have no hope of being returned

And in an attempt to help everyone

I look up to find my bridges are burned

I’m learning to ask

To take off the mask

To manage the task

Of learning to tell

To get well

From every goodbye,

Lie,

Mistreatment and crime.

IT IS ME

I feel the pull of the Earth,

And the reach of the sky.

In this chaos that I call my soul,

I screen, sing, laugh and cry:

All at once.

My whole body is built of love

More than bricks, its my foundation

And there is so much strength to that

More than in all creation:

It is mine.

No hell fires could scorch this heart,

No holy water douse its song

In spite of each break from others

In this love i can belong:

It is me.

All at once.

It is mine.

It is me.

Love.

There

My love is like no other kind

It is fully eternal and unconditional

Bypassing all the warning signs

And never settling on traditional.

Once given I live in your corner,

In spite of wrongs you would commit,

Every slight, fight, each crime

My whole heart would equit.

And I intend to never see your face again

But should our paths ever cross

I would summon all my earthly power

To aid and dispel each loss.

You, whose cruelty is unmatched

With horrors that I dare not share,

I want you to stay away forever

With the comfort that I once was there

Tired

I’m tired of the stories, darling

The uncertainty you bring

It was fun when we were younger

When we could dance and play and sing

You’d spin a yarn of tragedy

Lies of who you were

You’d play with my heart too often

Always saying you’re unsure

The “will they won’t they” love

The treadmill style of living

Was more exciting at the start

But time is unforgiving

Discussions of our married life

Followed by its ending

Promises of forever love

Before confessions of pretending

I felt the fight was worth it

There was perfection in fragility

But your ego took and took from me

When I needed stability

You left me and you lost me

And expected I’d return

But I’m tired of your stories darling

So I will let them burn

Bold

Am I bold enough to read

Every chapter of me out loud

And tell the story of my life

With the things that don’t make me proud

With all the mistakes

All the heart breaks

All the old aches

With these high stakes

Could I tell the world it all?

No this is version is still edited

For the benefit of the rest

But that doesn’t mean I’m only

Showing you the best

There are dark days

In my old ways

As the world frays

The stupid replays

Every time that I could fall

So prepare for a mix of stories

With every word true

Even with the contradictions

Its honest I promise you

Heres to us and our survival

Not perfect on arrival

But with this new revival

We’ll take on the rival

Of who we were told to be

Despite You

I’m no tragedy

Not a casualty

In spite of fragility

Lack of stability

I’ll be ever free

Hold Identity

Have the ability

to retain me.

Despite You.

Ghosts

I find myself haunted

by something unexpected

from my happy memories

I cannot be protected

The fear of them leaving

to never repeat

Those positive ghosts

I cannot defeat

Can I face a future

That’s so unreliable?

That would make hiding

more justifiable

But maybe it’s time

to dance with each ghost

and love all these moments

I fear the most

Sunsets over Durham City

Sunsets over Durham city

from the back seat of the bus,

listen at the window pane

to what fresh rain drops discuss

Is it a tale of woe today?

Or do they dance with wonder?

I fear I will never know

as they’re drowned out by thunder.

Secrets stale in the air

as the clouds continue screaming.

Maybe it’s better not to ask

just to keep up with my dreaming.

The Lost Memories

I remember that moment

the cold we stepped out into

we’d stood there before

past glass doors we walked through

I stumbled near the road

almost crushed by as car

but I was looking up

at a vibrant shooting star

Memory is hard enough

I can barely picture your face

but these feeling of that moment

time could never erase

Yet maybe time is tinted

because I simply can’t recall

what it is I asked for

or if I made a wish at all.

Feel in Colour.

It’s a blessing to feel colour

even when that colour bleeds.

Charge head first towards the fire,

going where the vibrance leads.

Cry alone with pen in hand

and scream out at the trees,

emotion overpowers action

and infects like a disease.

But sunrise never looked so golden,

and the rainbow never seemed so real.

The same thing that knocked you over

is what gives you the strength to heal.

The Cliffs

Those giant cliffs were crumbling

we walked single file beneath,

collect the relics of time gone by

before we become what’s underneath.

Imagining the world, we crossed,

the tide coming even further in,

where does this memory end

and this make believe begin?

Hear the sounds, the calling

as I cling onto broken walls,

avoiding it, but then unafraid

of what happens if it falls.

I told my mother my plans to be

strong enough to hold others up,

to be the hand that holds another’s,

my arms prepared to envelope.

But those giant cliffs keep crumbling

with the weight of travellers

and the erosion of the salty air,

sometimes a breakdown occurs.

It’s been years since that day passed

I tried too hard to hold too much,

with love and loss and chance to live,

I’ve unlearned the cliffs damaged touch.

Rarity.

So many stories

thought to be are,

are not uncommon,

they’re everywhere:

A bad person

with criminal acts,

playing mind games

while the partner reacts.

Another stalker

one follows you home,

another ensures

that you can’t be alone.

Love you and leave you,

abuse and neglect,

all of their actions

on you they project.

I hear all their stories

and soon realise

the concept of rarity

is built up on lies.

Drown

In my lungs,

air or ocean?

let it sink,

falling motion.

The overflow

The undertow

Dragged and Drenched

Wrecked and wrenched

I breathe water out

struggle to shout

before I stand

and leave this sand.

Help Me to Be Honest

Do I dare to tell our story

of the horror and the sweet

all of the tears that I held secret

and sorrys’ you laid at my feet…

Do I dare to open up this now

all the reasons I had stayed

the moments that were magic

and the cruel games that you played.

Do I dare to sound so gullible

that I feel for all the lies

accepted the manipulation

the control with no disguise

Do I dare admit it all

and the part that I have had

how I defended such awful things

how I hid away the bad

Do I dare to bare the shame

of all of our mistakes

of going back to him so many times

of being the one who brakes

Do I dare to own my own faults

that I let down my friends

abandoned and ignored them

to reach my partners ends

Do I dare say that I knew

the cheating and assault

burring these facts deep inside

feeling I was the one at fault

Do I dare to use the word

with the power that it can hold

the physical is awful

but the mental leaves you cold

Do I dare to have the courage

courage to start again

to walk away from everything

when there is so much to explain

Do I dare now to accept it

hope these lessons learned will last

with the aid of friends and family

step from the shadow of the past