living with depression as a student

Follow an interview with an anonymous GPHS student about their experience living with depression and how it's impacted their life and education with this monthly Mental Health Column conducted by Deenie.

Mental health : students living with Depression

Interview Conducted By Deenie Bulyalert

Disclaimer: This article discusses sensitive information regarding mental health and suicidal thoughts that some people may not feel comfortable with reading. Statements made in this article may trigger those faced with the same challenges. However, the goal of this article is to help those who may be struggling.

We all have beautiful stories. This is one of them. Everyone's experiences are different, but your feelings are valid. You are strong, beautiful, amazing, and a person with an interesting story, no matter what it may be.

If you need immediate mental health help then The Scroll strongly urges you to contact Kstuart@grantspass.k12.or.us. You don't have to suffer alone! There are resources out there to help you.

What is it like having depression while also being an active student?

Why have you decided to tell your story?

I was a bit hesitant about sharing my story and letting my experiences be seen by anyone who wanted to view it. I felt as though I hadn’t personally been through enough to validate having depression, but then I realized that some people would benefit from what I have to say and that the amount of trauma a person has endured does not determine whether or not they are allowed to have depression. All feelings are valid, no matter what experiences a person has been through, pain is relative.

I was officially diagnosed with depression at the end of freshman year of high school, but I’ve known that something was off since about 6th grade. Every time I went to the doctor's office, they always had me fill out the papers about myself and some of the boxes usually talked about mental health. “In any way are you concerned about your mental health?” “Have you ever thought about self harming yourself or have self harmed yourself in the past?” “Have you ever thought about how you would kill yourself?” and other questions like that. I was always too afraid to check those boxes, afraid of appearing weak, afraid of how my parents and my friends would see me if they figured out I said yes to those questions, afraid of what the truth of knowing meant. When I was finally diagnosed, I was afraid. My parents obviously had to know and they were not the most supportive, but they allowed me to do what I thought was best for me. My friends, on the other hand, were very supportive. My friends allowed me to talk about it when I needed to vent, helped me go through the different options of what I could do and helped me decide what was best for me. It was hard when I found out about my depression, but expected. It has not gotten any easier yet, but it is validating to give a name to my struggles and it is relieving to know different ways to help myself.

When were you diagnosed with depression and how did you deal with the diagnosis?

What do you think led you to having depression?

For the most part I had a good childhood. I grew up with a loving mom and my brother was my best friend. Elementary school was great, but I really started slipping my 6th grade year. I had good friends, but I just wasn't my happy self anymore. Who I was on the outside was faked by me, so everyone believed that I was okay. 7th grade year was a blur to me. By 7th grade year, I did not have great friends. I had friends who did drugs, who used me to feel better or to get stuff from me because, in my mind, I thought that if I did stuff for them. I thought that, if I broke myself to the point of suicide, they would like me more, but I was wrong. They all left. I gradually got worse and worse. 8th grade and freshman year were by far the hardest years, and there was not a single day that went by where I didn't wake up and think to myself, "I want to kill myself." Every single night, I laid in bed and wished for that night to be the end. I did not start feeling better until I talked to someone. I was holding so much inside of me that my body didn't know what to do. I started talking, with reluctance, but I got better. It was a slow process. It felt like I would get better. Then I would go back to a dark point, but I was making progress. So to answer the question, "What I think led me to such a dark point in my life," was the fact that I thought I could do it all myself, the fact that I lived every single day in pain because I did not want to bother anyone with my problems. I got better because I figured out that I do not need to fight this battle by myself. I got better because I figured out that there were people that are willing to help me. I got better because I learned that reaching out for help is not something to be ashamed of, because it takes a whole army to fight a war.

Depression is different for everyone but, for me, it is hard to define it. It is like feeling invisible in a room full of people. It is waking up during the day and wanting the night to come and, when the night finally comes, it is wanting the night to be over. Yes, it is full of days where I am sad, where I sit on the bathroom floor and cry my heart out, days where the will to live is hard to find, days where, sometimes, I think things would be better if I were gone. But, there are also beautiful days. Days where the smallest things make me smile where, when the sun hits another person's face, it warms my heart. Days where I am so full of love and joy to the point that my face hurts from smiling and my gut aches from laughing. My highs are really high and, my lows, they are really low. Depression is different for everyone but, for me, it is taking it one day at a time. Three steps forward, but 6 steps back. It is getting sudden bursts of energy, but physically feeling low when my battery runs out. Every day is another opportunity to work towards getting better and one day the better will come.

What does depression look like to you?

What tasks seem easy to other people, but are harder for you?

There are a lot of things that are really hard for me. Everything truly feels like a chore. The basic, daily things like getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, and even eating food feel like the hardest things in the world. Sometimes, I go a week without taking a shower-- not because I don't want to, but because I physically can't get myself to take one and, when I do, my skin turns bright red from how hot I make the water because I can feel something. It helps me feel something. Talking to people isn't my priority. As weird and selfish as it seems, I don't text people back for hours sometimes, not because I don't like them, but because I mentally cannot handle talking to another human being and because I feel as though I am a burden, a problem in their lives. When doing school work, I sit and stare at the assignment, sometimes for hours, trying to get it done, but not being able to lift my hands to finish it, even if the assignment is easy. So a lot of things are hard to do because my brain and my body are so exhausted. A lot of people just think it's me being lazy, but it is more than that.

I was talking a lot with our in-school therapist and he was a ton of help, but then COVID hit and we were in quarantine. I then began doing therapy through Options and they were going to put me on antidepressants. I know it works for a lot of people, but those did not work for me. Now, I tend to just sit in bed most of the time because I don't have enough energy to do things, but I do have to continue on in life. Walking to work, feeling the sun smile on my face, it truly makes a difference because it reminds me that, no matter how I feel, the sun still rises and falls each and every day and I'm not sure why, but it helps. Art has always been a big part of me: singing, painting, drawing, and playing instruments. These things really are magic. Video games are always helpful as well, they give me an opportunity to do something without having to think about anything else and it is a real stress reliever. These work for me and I'm sure I will find more things that can help me, but knowing that there are things that I can do anytime I want, things I can have control over, is a great feeling.

What things do you do that help you feel better?

What are some misconceptions about depression that you don’t like?

Some misconceptions about depression and mental health, in all aspects, for that matter is that we are "unable to do anything." The fact that people think that those with mental illnesses cannot live a normal life is crazy to me, because those who go through these struggles are no less of a human than anyone else. They just have a different "normal." Other misconceptions would be the backlash or negativity towards mental illnesses. That mental illnesses or treating a mental illness is a bad thing. I personally believe that mental health is equally, if not more important, than physical health and the fact that people are uncomfortable, disrespectful, or closed-minded to either discussing mental health and/or knowing that someone is getting help for what they are going through is a disgusting, for lack of better word, to think about. There are so many misconceptions towards mental health and I guess all I really have to say is that everyone struggles, everyone goes through their own situations. Pain is relative. So I don't believe that anyone has a say in the feelings of another human being.

what would you like to say to those who may be in the same position or know someone in the same position?

For those of you who may be struggling or know someone who is struggling, as cheesy as it sounds, it truly does get better-- maybe not easier, but better. If you believe that you or anyone you know is not in a good position, please talk to someone. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Someone will be willing to help, even a stranger. Sometimes we can't fight a battle alone and that is perfectly okay. If you know someone who struggles with any mental illness please do your research on the illness, and most importantly talk to that person. Ask what questions are off and on limits and get to know them, understand them, respect their boundaries, make sure that you don't judge them, and know that everyone's feelings are valid. Please do not put yourself in a position that you are unhappy with. You can change your life, restart your day whenever you want, get new friends, change your hair, your clothes, do your makeup, wear a suit, find resources that can help you, take a day to yourself, have a bath, pet a dog, do what you need to do in order to make yourself feel better. We all want and need you here on this earth, even though, sometimes, it doesn't feel like that-- even if, sometimes, it feels like being gone would be better. There are people who still need you around and people in the future who will need you around. Please do your best and your best might be laying in bed all day and that's okay. Just make sure to do you. You will never have to-- or get to-- live today ever again. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. It costs nothing.