Follow an interview with an anonymous GPHS student about their experience living with Anorexia and how it has impacted their life and education with this monthly Mental Health Column. Scroll to the bottom for an opportunity to share your mental illness experience for our upcoming issues.
We all have beautiful stories. This is one of them. Everyone's experiences are different, but your feelings are valid. You are strong, amazing, and a person with an interesting story, no matter what it may be.
Disclaimer: This article discusses sensitive information regarding mental health that some people may not feel comfortable with reading. Statements made in this article may trigger those faced with the same challenges. However, the goal of this article is to help those who may be struggling and to shed light on different mental disorders.
ED - an abbreviation used by people to indicate eating disorder (You will see it a lot in this article.)
I want to help people who have this and educate others about this misunderstood mental health condition.
I was diagnosed a year and a half ago by a professional. However, my eating disorder began really developing 11 months before my diagnosis. It wasn’t like I suddenly woke up one day and was anorexic. My symptoms and thoughts gradually took control of me more and more. There was a time I knew I had anorexia, but I did nothing about it because I didn’t think it was a big deal (that was my illness tricking me).
It constantly whispers in my head; even though my Anorexia is a part of me, it does not feel like me at all. When those thoughts are the strongest, it feels like I’m trapped in a glass cube at the bottom of the ocean. I’m mute and I can feel someone staring at me outside of the box-it’s all around me, but focused in one place at the same time. I can hear the low mumble of the black ocean as I bang on the box. I’m screaming, but I’m mute. It’s terrifying.
It was difficult on a whole other level only people with EDs would understand. Anorexia and other EDs are sneaky; they put on the mask of a caring friend when their goal is to harm you. I’d have to constantly filter the thoughts every moment (which can be hard to decipher). Whenever I’d be walking down the halls, trying to pay attention in class, or talking to a friend, it would be whispering to me and I’d have to try and rebuttal it every time.
Fortunately, for these times, most of my triggers are things that could happen in my control or people close to me’s control. So, my ED hasn’t been as intense as other peoples’ EDs at this time. In addition, it’s easier to recover from this for me now cause I get breaks to relax and do more things I enjoy. Finally, I’ve been extremely lucky in this era. Money is still coming in, so I can still get treated.
It has made it easier because there isn’t nearly as much stimuli, so I can put more energy into getting better. Plus, I’m always in a place that I have control over. Most people with anorexia crave control because we fear being out of control so much (not just with food, but with everything). So, I’m in my comfort zone--not in a place with hundreds of people and scenarios.
Every task is elevated in difficulty cause the ED is constantly trying to control me; however, there are tasks like mealtime and picking out clothes that are significantly harder. My internal battle gets louder then--I could have an anxiety attack.
I was raised in a household where dieting, weight comments, and food comments were common. My dad even made bets with me: if he didn’t get down to ___ pounds by a certain time, he’d give me money when I was 6. Also, I did athletics and they pushed me to have a certain body type in not okay ways. Unfortunately, the things I listed are a norm...that needs to be changed, not because people with EDs exist, but because it’s not okay to do.
There have been many phases of increased difficulty that have been hard, but, in different ways. However, something that always got me out of the hole in all of those times was being completely honest with my therapist, my friends and myself.
I repeat positive affirmations a lot. Every time I identify an ED thought, I think of a positive one to rebuttal it. Sometimes, I think it. Other times, I speak it or I write them down. The repetition of thinking those things will ultimately beat my Anorexia since they are rational and happier. Also, I try to find a way to channel the energy that is left behind from my anorexia’s frustration in positive ways. I do this by filtering that energy into hobbies I enjoy.
I’m assuming you mean what people say when they first see my appearance. Fortunately, I got and still am in treatment so I’m not malnourished anymore. When I was malnourished, people would praise me, saying they were jealous of how “fit” I got. In reality, I was dying. Now, most people don’t think I have anorexia because I’m not stick thin. That isn’t true! Anyone can deal with anorexia, no matter body type. If you tell someone that they don’t look anorexic enough, that’s extremely triggering and invalidates their trauma.
First, people romanticize anorexia and other EDs SO MUCH. Eating disorders are serious mental challenges you shouldn’t wish for or compare someone to. Anorexia has the highest death rate of any mental illness. 20% of people who have it die; 1 in every 5 of those deaths is from suicide. Second, not everyone with Anorexia is a young, thin, white, female. Anorexia does not have a specific body type, gender, race, etc.
Keep going. It may not be okay now, and it may seem like it never will-- but it does. Everyone’s recovery isn’t linear--so be kind with yourself and recognize you are trying (even if it is a little) and that is something. I know everyone says this, and that can feel overwhelming because it could not make sense why you are not where those people are. But you deserve to beat this and I believe you can. I know I don’t know you, but I trust you can--if I can trust you without personally knowing you, you can trust yourself that you will eventually beat this. <3
Grants Pass High School Has Licensed Therapists:
Kris Stuart- Mental Health Counselor
Mr. Baxter - Options Specialist Counselor
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Hotline:
US: Text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a Crisis Counselor
They are there to help. If you need it please ask. You do not have to fight this battle alone.
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