By Reagan Coombs Arts and Entertainment Reporter
So you've found yourself a pet rock. But to be your rock's best friend, you need to make it feel comfortable and have fun with your rock, as any good friend would. But obviously its not just going to let you kidnap it, so you need to do it secretly.
HOW TO KIDNAP YOUR ROCK.
What most people would think to do is to run up behind the rock and snatch it. WRONG! Your rock will quickly roll away. But don't worry, that's just one of many problems and mistakes. The proper thing to do is to stand in front of the rock and speak your name with intentions very clearly so the rock can hear. For example, you could say, "Bonjour rock. My name is human, I'm going to pick you up now." Place your hand under it with a leather bag, scoop it up. Make sure to twist the top of the bag shut, or your rock may escape. Nice job! You have now kidnapped a rock! But what to do now?...
MAKING YOUR ROCK FEEL COMFORTABLE
After all, since you've kidnapped a rock, the proper thing to do is to comfort it and let your rock know that you are not a psychopath. Because that's the last thing anyone would want to be kidnapped by. Make it a nice little den, perhaps! Blankets and art supplies, or a sports ball, would keep the rock entertained for hours! Make sure your rock has lots of room to roll around and play. Rocks can be very claustrophobic at times. A common mistake of a new person can be to put water in their den. WRONG! Do not do that. That's because all your rock will do is sink. And drowning is not very pleasant. To ensure your rock is doing ok, make your rock a survey to see if you need to make any changes to its life! After all, this is going to be your best friend after it warms up to you. After warming up and being kidnapped, your rock will most likely be hungry. There are some big do's and don't's when it comes to your rock's feeding schedule...
FEEDING YOUR ROCK
You need to know your rock's comfort food, what to feed it, and what not to feed it. Most species of rocks have Lays Potato Chips disease, Lettuce syndrome, and most importantly, Potato infection. Potatoes are frequently mistaken for rocks and are filled with potent venom. The list below is full of safe-to-eat items for rocks that are filled with nutrients:
ice cream
doritos
Skittles (only the purple ones)
And these are a list of things that are never ok for your rock to eat. If your rock ever ingests one of the items below, see your vet immediately:
Lettuce
Potatoes of a kind
Watermelon
These are the basic big dos and don'ts of this situation. Congrats! You have fed your rock. But your rock is going to feel drained in confidence after being kidnapped, so you've got to give your rock a bit of pep in its step. After all, people kick rocks quite often...
STYLING YOUR ROCK.
To make your rock dress for success and feel special, go to the toy store and buy some Barbie accessories. You need to make sure your rock feels important, but make sure your rock doesn't feel the need to impress or be better than anyone. Rocks are sensitive creatures and will be offended easily. Make sure the outfit doesn't offend any of your rock's buddies. And this will make your rock feel confident in all of its options. Nice one! You have now dressed your rock.
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU ARE NOW A ROCK PARENT!
Stay tuned for, How to take care of your Pet Rock pt. 2: Through the teenage years, and how to take care of your Pet Rock: The Movie!
Image Generated by Magic AI
By AJ Wade, 7th grade editor
As of 2/27/26, France made an announcement to other countries that they would be importing their famous Baguettes through space, but the baguettes somehow changed people eating them.
It all started in Senegal; The country that buys the most baguettes, was the first to receive the imported baguettes. Their military rushed over to the drop zone to retrieve the Astroyeast (Get it?), then brought it back to suppliers, which put it in bakeries. A few days later, a man who goes by Mamadou Faye burst into St. Bart Hospital with a 6th finger on his left hand. The doctors didn't know what caused the 6th finger to appear, but they amputated it, thinking it was some sort of skin growth. When they cut into it, they found bones. Authorities have declared that the baguettes had something to do with his "abnormality" as Faye was a baguette critic and ate almost every type of baguette made. The 6th finger is not the only feature changed in someone. A Florida man grew nails sharper than kitchen knives. When they were cut, they grew back instantly. "I think it's sick. It will help me hunt crocodiles better," Said the man in a press interview. The most common abnormality seems to be an eye in the back of people's heads. But a kid in Nevada was changed from having Pyrophobia to becoming a Pyromaniac. His parents stated in an interview, "He was scared to even be in the house while the oven was going. But after he ate the baguette. He stole deodorant and a match from a store and made a flamethrower. We didn't even know he had it until he lost at 99% in a Geometry Dash level. We are still finding the ashes of his iPad around the house."
France has faced major backlash from the country's biggest consumers. France has been forced to stop importing baguettes and import them by air or sea. But there still are baguettes from space in stores. It could be a matter of time before you have a 3rd arm.☘
Image generated by Magic AI
By AJ Wade, 7th grade editor
As of 3/1/26, FMS officials got into a heated discussion with a group of students complaining about the rules. What they did affected everybody.
A group of students called the "¡Viva la revolución!" (Long live the revolution) shared their "Opionons" About the policies that the school put in place. The students didn't ask to go to the office, nor did they make it easy to discuss with the administration. After this, the students lashed out at the teachers, stating that their policies "Held students back". After this, the school looked further into the group and discovered that they were trying to get other students to fight against the school, while doing things that should have been banned. But the school couldnt make more policies because it would be too much for the teachers to enforce. Therefore, school officials have complete control over the school.
The first change was made; students now had to wear school uniforms, jackets, beanies, backpacks, and hats. If you were caught wearing something different, you would be sent to after-school detention for 2 hours and lunch detention for 1 week. Hall monitors are now being enforced, as the school realized that students were skipping class. You now have to get back to class from the bathroom before the 6-minute timer runs out. Doesn't matter that you made it even just 1 second after the timer. You will receive 1 hour of detention and 3 days of lunch detention. Students are now strictly prohibited from eating food outside of the cafeteria; recess is the only exception. You will receive 3 hour detention and a lunch detention for 3 weeks if caught.
The phone policy is now even more strictly enforced. Because of this, school now starts at 7:50, with the bell ringing at 7:35 to go through a "security check" in the morning. Students' bags, jackets, and hats will be searched for a phone; students are required to push their pockets inside out to see if there are any in their pockets. If students are required to have a phone, a form must be filled out by their guardian or parents stating why they must have a phone. Even though that is filled out, phones will be sent to the office to be handed back out at the end of the day.
Polls have been handed out by the Fruita Feed, which stated that 90% of students dislike the "¡Viva la revolución!" group and wish that they just didn't do anything or discussed nicer.
The Moon Dial
By: Rilynn Reigles (Managing Editor)
Let me set the scene: it's 2100 BC, and the moon dial was just created. The Ancient Greeks have just discovered a new mechanism that will change history forever…
I hide the moon dial under my cloak, hoping to get it safely from point A to point B. If this doesn’t work out, if I can’t get this, the emperor’s secretary, then there is no way I would be able to lead this empire. I mean, the emperor himself would kill me if I lost it.
I run up the highest hill and bang on the palace door, hoping to make it through without anyone stopping me from acting suspicious. I mean, running this fast on a typical day like this… let’s just say it doesn’t look good to the guards on duty.
I slow my pace when I reach the heavy metal doors. “I have it,” I say to the familiar face on duty.
“He’s waiting for you.” He says back to me while he opens the door.
I go through the door and start up my fast pace again. The halls of the palace are hard to navigate, but the emperor's secretary gave me direct instructions on how to reach the council house.
When I get to the entrance, I take a deep breath, stand up tall, and walk into the council house. The four people in the room turn to face me, all of them looking cold and unbothered except for the one standing, the emperor. When my eyes meet his, I bow quickly. “I have what you requested, your majesty.”
“You may rise.” So I do, coming up from my bow but keeping myself from meeting his eyes, knowing how intimidating he is. “Show me the dial.” He commands.
I pull the moon dial from my cloak and hold it out far enough that he can take it from my hand if he pleases.
“What a beautiful piece of metal.” He says with a smirk in his voice.
“Sir.” One of the council members says casually. “Persian is looking for the dial after we stole it back from them. They have their assumptions, and today I found a spy in the town square.” The emperor just stares at the council members. “Sir, I’m not sure you understand. War is coming…”
The emperor glares, “Then let the war come.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Image generated by Google Gemini
What The Rat Government Is Not Telling Us
By: Scout Greener
Fake News Reporter
Recently, there have been sightings of large green glowing rats around the world. Most seen in Metropolis, they have been known to attack. When they do attack, people have been known to start glowing, going feral, and acting as a rat. There have already been hundreds of cases reported of people going feral and attacking others. People have been injured and some killed. The leader of all the feral humans and rats is a rat named Verntimin. Vertntimin is a large rat called a Gambiaqn Pouch Rat. We have been trying to contact the non-feral parts of the rat government to figure out what’s happening and how to get it under control. If anybody has information, please inform us. We will get it under control. Please watch RNS(Rat News Station) for more information and updates.
UPDATE: IT’S THE RATS!!!! We have contacted the government and interrogated them, and they have explained that this has happened before, but it never got to humans. They claim they don’t know how to reverse it, but we will figure it out. IF you have any helpful information or questions, please contact your local police department. Do not interact with any rats or mice; we have recently learned that they are part of this. Keep your doors locked at all times and stay safe. Please keep an eye on your local news station. Under any circumstance, DO NOT INTERACT WITH RNS OR RATS.
A Night In The Haunted School
By: Camden Flinn,
writer/photographer for fake news
February 11, 2026
It was a cold and dark night at the old Fruita Middle School, where the quiet wind brushed through the trees and the sidewalk. Kids from FMS, about 10 of them from each grade, all came together and went to the school's entrance, but it was mysteriously unlocked. The kids walked into the school, grabbed their flashlights (because it was pitch black in the school), and walked to the office to turn on the lights. Once they turned on the lights and the school hallways were bright, they began to explore and look for a spot to set up camp for the night. They all found a spot in a small room in the office, then they went to the lunch room to try to find snacks for the night. When all the sudden they heard a loud “thud”. Well, they were all curious kids and wanted to go and find out what made that noise. That loud noise wasn't just a thing falling, no. One of the students found a weird black goo on the floor, then they heard a loud screeching noise from the gym. One kid went in and saw a ten-foot figure in the corner! Then mysteriously, all the kids vanished from the school, and no one in Fruita knew where those kids went that night.
By: Kadia Mininger
8th grade Features Editor
Last Night, June 6th 1966
Breaking News:
Last night a shocked mother reported her daughter walking out into the night, arms spread wide. According to the police, the girl had vanished. To the void? A different state? Or maybe a different world. The police have tried to track her and found bloody footprints leading into the forest. No one came back. Many wondered for years what came to be of young Sarah. Until Bobby came along. This young man lived in the woods for years and was exploring in the vast, humid, alive forest. Until he came to a small cottage, choking with vines all around it. The front door was open, revealing a green void. The man turned and ran, calling the police. Warning them of the dangers that lurked within.
He.
Was.
Never.
To.
Be.
Heard.
From.
Again.
Will this mystery ever be solved? Or will the forest continue to live on? Only the future will tell. Only the future will tell.
Only the future will tell. Only the future will tell. Only the future will tell.
10 Years Later, June 6th 1976
Breaking News:
The governor’s daughter has gone missing! The police investigated the house in search for any signs of struggle. Instead they found tracks leading through the wood. The police have followed the tracks and have uncovered a dark truth. A young man, age 20 at the time, reported a girl missing in the woods. After this occurrence he mysteriously disappeared. Or so we thought.
The police uncovered his truth. He not only knew of the dark secrets of the old house, he also was behind the murder of young Laura Smith.
What will happen to the governor’s daughter? We may never know but all we can do now is pray that the police will uncover this buried mystery.
Before.
It's.
Too.
Late.
Stay connected and stay safe, for he may still be out there lurking in the shadows, waiting for his next victim.
14 Years Later, June 6th, 1990
Breaking News:
The townspeople of Windstone have gone missing! Reports of screams in the forbidden forest have been reported to the police from a nearby town. What is the cause of these disappearances? We may never know. But strang sounds coming from a lonesome house have been reported. Police officer Bob Hanks has gone to the house and has done a deep dive in an investigation, only to go missing the next day. If you hear or see anything in that forest or in that house, run and never come back!
Subconscious Attacks!
By: Scout Greener
Fake News Reporter
Careful what you think! After people think about harmful ideas, their subconscious becomes a physical being. People's subconsciouses have been attacking them and anybody around. People are getting severely hurt, not just physically but also mentally. They have been attacking people and saying hateful things, claiming that they are giving them a taste of their own medicine. They are actively being arrested. Some people believe that this is for others' own good and that they should learn how to be nicer even in their heads. There are reports of people having people think bad thoughts so they can become better people. Here is a clip from a Hambo Smith of a victim: “It was horrible… my brother was just sitting there when he claimed his head was pounding. Suddenly, I saw feet appearing slowly behind him. I ran out after seeing clips of this on the news. Luckily, I got away, but my brother was not so lucky. Sadly, we lost him to these monsters. To all the people who think this is a good thing, I am horrified; they do not know what happens to people.” We are actively trying to stop these people and find a cure for this condition that has spread all over the world. If you see anybody holding their head and a figure appearing from the feet up behind them, you need to run and find a safe location to hide until the subconscious being is captured. Once we have found a cure, we will do a nationwide announcement.
Birds Turn Evil, What's The Future Looking Like??
By Vada Martens, 7th grade fake news reporter.
A virus that only infects birds, but it affects everyone. Turning crows, chickens, sparrows, and even parakeets into little menaces. Birds are escaping their homes and returning weeks later infected. Given the name, “Dreaded Feathers,” And rightfully so! The People let their beloved bird inside, and everything went upside down, homes ransacked. Car owners are walking outside and seeing their cars, new and old, torn apart and in pieces. Starting with the classic poop on the windshield, and progressing to the birds tearing apart the car entirely.
Starting with someone who got a firsthand experience, we had one of our interviewers talk to a brave bird owner, Samuel James from denver co. “I never wanted to get a bird, no-les a Cockatiel. I have heard they are loud, noisy, and just terrible to have as pets.” he paused to let out a laugh, “But the kids won a bet and had been really responsible, so my wife and I had not much of a choice. But a few months ago, it got out of the house, and we searched for days. We ended calling off the search party. A week or so after the bird got out, we woke up, and it was on the porch, singing its song and waiting for us to let it in. We did, and boy, that was a mistake.” Samuel paused again as his 5-year-old had asked to be put on his shoulders. Picking her up, he continued, “It was acting weird for a while, it ended up getting a single blue feather on its back, and one day we woke up and everything was different. The subbords were all open, the dog bed was flipped, and it was unclear what had happened, but we got it all cleaned up, and that was that.” A third pause, “But a few days later, we woke up to something completely different. There were so many more birds, the house was in absolute chaos, the plates were broken, the furniture was all flipped over, and wow… we walked into the living room, and there was a wall of birds.” Mr. James continued to tell us how the birds wouldn't leave. The family ended up being forced to move out.
Now, cases like this one are popping up all around the world. Ms. Amilia, from Pennsylvania, walked out of her quaint apartment on 5th Street to see her beloved Honda Pilot in pieces. Windows broken, seats torn, and the dashboard down, a tier missing, and bird poop covering the entire body. “I didn't know what to think. My eyes took a second to adjust to the morning light, and it kinda looked like a crazy person had parked their clown car in the place my car was supposed to be!” Amilia reported, “I called the neighbor above me to ask if he’d seen anything happen, and he had no idea.” When our news station first heard of the incident, we asked for a video of the situation and were lucky enough to receive one! The video provided by Amelia shows a flock of birds, all types, all sizes, sitting on the wreck of the car, almost af if they were taking claim for the wreck. Later, we asked the owner of a shop down the street if he had any footage of the (odd) incident, and he let our reporter, Jacy McClain, see the footage of the incident. It's everything you could imagine, feathers flying and pure chaos.
Cases like these are popping up all around the world, people aren't leaving their homes, it's all going downhill.