Social and Friendship Skills

Developing Social Skills 

Friendship Skills - To help teach these, you must model them.  

There are many skills for making and maintaining social connections, such as:

• Body Language:   Eye contact, open posture, facial expressions. Speaking clearly, not too quiet or too loud. Respecting other people’s personal space.

• Conversation Skills: Initiating, asking questions, listening, staying on topic, sharing talk-time.

• Inviting/Initiating Connection:  Greetings, introductions, learning names. Asking for help or to join in, inviting others to join you.

• Responding:  Tune into what others are saying, respond appropriately when spoken to.

• Manners: Saying please, thank you, excuse me.  Apologizing! . Asking, not demanding.

• Being Kind: Encouraging, complimenting, helping, sharing. Doing nice things for others.

• Playing Well:  Leading (suggesting ideas), following (trying other’s ideas).  Compromising and finding common ground and negotiating a mutually enjoyable option.

• Emotional Intelligence:  Identifying emotions. Expressing emotions. Understanding how their actions might make someone else feel.

• Self control:  Taking turns. Being able to wait. Staying calm. Handling disappointment.

• Problem solving:  Resolving conflicts. Being a flexible thinker.  Sticking up for yourself, but not dominating or becoming aggressive.

• Coping:  Accepting appropriate criticism, moving on from rejection to try again elsewhere, bouncing back.

When Challenges Inevitably Arise:

Conflict Resolution: Encourage your child to use words, especially I statements – say how they feel, and what they would like to have happen. Ask the other child what they would like to have happen. Compromise.  "I feel upset when you take my markers without asking.  Can you please ask me?"

Coping with Rejection:  No matter how good a job your child does of approaching another child nicely, and asking to play together, there’s always a chance the other child will say no. Help your child think what they could do in that situation, such as finding someone else to play with.

Create Opportunities for Practice and Skill Building:

Playdates.  Set up playdates with other children. The one-on-one practice is the best skill builder, and also the best way to build closer friendships. Tips for success:

• Timing: Pick a time of day when both kids tend to be in good moods. Keep the playdate short.

• Have some plans: Work with your child to plan and set out possible activities that they think their friend would particularly enjoy. Sharing a fun experience builds connections.

• Minimize conflict triggers: If there are toys your child has a hard time sharing, or games your child has a hard time losing, put them away for the playdate.

• Supervise, but try to step back and let them play without a lot of interference from you.

• Snacks: If things aren’t going smoothly, offering a tasty snack is often a good intervention.

• 2 person or 4 person playdates are best. If there’s 3 kids, one often gets left out.

Free Play Opportunities: Take your child to the park, or other free play locations, often. If your child wears a t-shirt or carries a backpack with a favorite character, or brings a favorite book, that can end up as a conversation starter with someone who shares the same interests.

Extracurriculars: Enrolling your child in activities and classes with a focus means that they’ll find kids there that they have something in common with. However, within the structure of something like music class or soccer practice, they don’t have a lot of time for free, unstructured interaction, which is what really helps to build friendships. So, try planning some playdates or free play opportunities with those kids after the lesson is over.

Websites/Videos & Books

• When Your Child Has Trouble Making Friends - Dr. Eileen Kennedy Moore, PhD explains the "magnet myth" and what true friendships are made of

• The Not So Friendly Friend - by Christina Furnival, about setting healthy friendship boundaries

• KidsHealth.org: Friendship Issues - A page of articles on all things friends, from cliques to loneliness and adhd.

• Scholastic UK: The Best Books for Building Friendships 

• PBS Books About Friendship 

• Free printable handout on this topic: Helping Your Child Learn to Make Friends.

• 4 Skills for Making Friends - by Understood.org

• 12 Great Videos to Teach Kids About Friendship - by weareteachers.com

• Why Can't I Make Friends?  Here are some strategies (ages 10-17) Making Friends - Scroll to bottom of page to find a great video by Kids Help Line.  It shows a scene where someone is excluded, but fortunately one person changes their behavior and realizes what friendship means.  Good for teaching assertiveness, acceptance and inclusiveness.