To the Mother I Never Met

[Begin sitting with letter in hand. Resist the temptation to look at the audience.]

To the mother I never met, 

Um...Hi. It’s me...Your daughter...Living halfway across the world from you. Yes, that small, little body you parted ways with 21, or so, years ago (and, believe me, it’s still a small, little body. I never made it past 5’1”.). That small, little brain that is now caught between the tragically, but not unbearably, separate spheres of childhood and adulthood. That small, little being that exponentially grew and evolved and developed with a body, mind, and soul so wonderfully, beautifully, and unmistakably her own. [Beat. Look up now.]

I wish you could have been there to witness all of it. I’m sorry you weren’t. 

But please don’t get me wrong...I have lived and am living a good life. I am surrounded by people who, not only tell me they love me, but show me they do. I am safe. Healthy. Happy. I go to school. I have a job. I see my friends often. I rely on my family every day...My real family...the one that raised me. [Beat]

I have never once blamed you. Adopted kids don’t always do. [Beat. Stand and begin to pace/walk/add movement.]

There are so many things I could say to you right now, but I’ll start with an introduction, of sorts. After leaving China, I became Madeline Hannah Mustin. I lived in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania my whole life before going to school in Washington, D.C. Mom, Dad, Liv, Will, Uncle David, and the two dogs are the ones I left at home. I study English, Drama, and Media at The Catholic University of America. I just turned 21 years old. [Beat. Physically and vocally stop.] I’m gonna stop there. That’s the type of introduction I whip out every time that dreaded word, “icebreaker,” skips from the professor and dances around the classroom. That’s the factual introduction that at least 90% of the people who know me have already heard or would easily guess...I think you deserve more. 

[In the ensuing paragraphs, add movement. Experiment. Pace, walk around, sit, sit in weird positions, stand, crouch, play with a nearby object, etc. Switch it up often but without “forcing” movement for the sake of movement.]

You deserve to know that I’m the type of girl who reads the first and last lines of a book directly after finishing it. That I set three alarms in the morning and still find myself hitting snooze. That I sing in the shower but hate going to auditions. That I drink tea when I’m cold and coffee when I need to feel motivated. 

You should know that I don’t like putting ice in my water. I constantly choose dark chocolate over milk or white. I never blow-dry my hair and always add wings to my eyeliner. I will wear boots any season, any day, of the year. I often need to text myself daily reminders. Recently, I picked up the regular habit of writing down every little good thing that happens to me throughout the day. Currently, I’m in a love-hate relationship with shopping, driving, and social media. I’m Type-A to a T, but my dorm room is currently very messy. My nervous tell is that I cough and clear my throat a lot. My excited tell is that I won’t shut up. I hate long-distance running, endure sprinting, and enjoy every other form of cardio. Sometimes, I sit in my car or take long walks and look like a crazy person because I whisper to myself incessantly. Oftentimes, in the evenings, I sit outside, watching a summer sunset, and feel, not happy, but soothed, for hours. 

I no longer go to Church but do still believe in God and Jesus. I used to journal and pray a lot and hope to get back into that routine. Every night, I listen to the exact same six songs, in the exact same order, right before I fall asleep. I am obsessed with the lyrics, melodies, and timbre of Lana del Rey. I myself sing when I’m sad, write poetry when I’m mad, and watch movies when I want to think. The best place to get lost in thought is when I’m alone amongst strangers-on public transportation of course.

The most beautiful place I’ve ever visited is Hawaii. The most important—the Philippines. The most striking—Jamaica. My ideal, perfect day is filled with fruit, tea, books, my friends, a trail, a movie theater, and warm weather. My best memory is singing, clapping, and dancing in a room full of wheel-chair-bound people and nurses in scrubs. The worst thing to ever happen to me is getting led on. I feel most alive on the stage, most adventurous in my car, most comforted in my bed, and most inspired by the line where the tide meets my toes. I am consumed with wanderlust and a desire to learn. [Beat] 

I don’t believe in astrology but realize I am, indeed, a Scorpio. According to my closet, black, purple, and green are the only colors that matter. The word “fuck” enters my mind at least 50 times a day, but it’s uttered, perhaps, a mere 5. I love dressing up but can’t walk in stilettos to save my life. I love to laugh and live for words of affirmation, both for myself and others.  

I’m an “adrenaline junkie.” I wish I was a better baker, cook, and athlete. I’m an insecure person with a knack for appearing self-assured. I love my eyes and lips but hate just about everything else of my physical appearance. I take pride in my writing, communication skills, organization, and emotional intuition. I keep secrets very well but sometimes have trouble opening up to others about my own. I’m not the “life of the party,” but I often like being the center of attention. I am a “dreamer” (but also a realist), an optimist, and an ambivert. I’m the type of person who balances outgoingness with reservation, who likes to dip her toes in before fully going out of her comfort zone, before tackling the unknown. [Beat. Return to original position from the beginning.]

Some days, I want to be 10 years old again. Other days, I want to be 30. Some nights I lie awake and think about what 1-year-old, little baby me saw, heard, and experienced. I think about all the things about me that would be different in another time, another place. I think about you. 

Mom thanks God every day that she became a part of my life and that I became a part of hers. I hope the one child you were allowed to keep brings you just as much character, personality, quirks, and joys. [Beat] 

People used to ask me if I would ever want to meet my “real” parents or go back “home,” and I never knew how to respond...Because the truth is I know who my real parents are. I know where my home is. Hopping a plane and crossing the world wouldn’t ever change that. It wouldn’t add anything to my identity that I didn’t already know or have. Of course, I have questions, but I know I’ll never get the answers. I’m perpetually learning to be ok with that—accepting the things I cannot change. 

I hope you are well. I hope you have a loving family and a life worth living. I wish you happiness, good fortune, good health. I wish you every possible blessing that a daughter could wish for the woman who gave her life and brought her into the world. Thank you for allowing me a chance at life and for introducing me to the world. I hope that, one day, I can be half as brave as you. 

Love...always, 

Your daughter, Maddy 

Spring 2022