Thweeth, Thweezle, and Thwartch

Large animal veterinarians at the St. Louis Zoo are stymied by a sudden rash of upper respiratory illnesses in their tower of giraffes, composed of one bull (called a thrust), thirteen cows (called rises), and six calves (called thoons, soon-to-be adult thrusts and rises).

After detailed examinations of the tower, requiring yard-long tongue depressors and periscope-sized laryngoscopes, the vets discovered the following ailments:

• three cases of thweeth

• two cases of thweezle

• one case of thwartch

In their report to the zoo’s advisory board, the vets defined each ailment.

Thweeth:  a sneeze, compressed through the giraffe’s congested nasal passage, making the sound of a blathering balloon caught between pinched fingers.  This common cold symptom, usual in the spring when pollen annoys the giraffe’s sensitive thoughts and existential theorizing caused by lofty perspectives, can be treated easily with a thweeth suction syringe.

Thweezle:  more harmful than the everyday thweeth, this deep chest wheeze occurs when air is squeezed through the giraffe’s constricted six-foot-long throat.  If not treated properly with lotus lozenges and antibiotics, infections can lead to serious and lengthy bouts of thweezing.

Thwartch:  Thweeth and thweezle are early warning signs of the potential for thwartch.  This deep, rumbling, cranking, croaking, barking, darkening, wracking wreckage of a cough signals the potential onset of pneumonia, gastroesophageal reflux, achalasia, or throaty thrombosis, diseases which not only can lead to a giraffe’s thanatox (untimely reunion with prior generations of giraffes) but also could infect other animals in nearby herds.  Treatment for thwartch requires three-day isolation, thrice-monthly vaccinations of thwartchite, and comprehensive examinations for all tower members throughout the year.

Upon receipt of the veterinarians’ report, the advisory board expressed full-throated thankfulness that the tower’s thweeth, thweezle, and thwartch had been treated successfully and that these threats to the zoo’s giraffes had been thoroughly thwacked.

Flash Issue 8