6 PRINCIPLES FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

There are times when teachers may be tempted to behave in immature or adolescent ways in order to relate to students. This can feel especially natural for those teachers who themselves are “still in the latter stages of their own adolescence and might not have the foresight to understand the ramifications of boundary blurring or the maturity to not answer prying questions'' (Bernstein-Yamashiro & Noam, 2013, p. 77). However, research has shown that “adolescents tend to distrust adult attempts at peer-like friendships. They want and need adults who will behave with maturity and confidence; who will define the traditions and standards of the institution; who will reach out to them, but not try to join their fragile and changing world” (Lightfoot, 1983, p. 351). 

It is important for students to know that their teachers care about their success and wellbeing, and many teachers find unobtrusive and appropriate ways to express that care. Some schools have systems in place such as commendation notes to send home to families, or other ways to publicly acknowledge students’ accomplishments. An illustrative example of appropriate care is described here:

Even just a whispered, “Everything going okay?” to a student signals a degree of care and support that is found in [well bounded] classrooms. In fact, many teachers who have more personal classrooms do not always do much more than support students in the learning process. They may not necessarily have individual or close relationships with students, but may have a classroom that is informal or promotes whole-class discussion. They may ask students how their football game went or remember birthdays or greet students by name in the hallway. Such teachers might attend sporting events or performances to support their students. They sometimes tell students about their reactions to something they have heard or read or to controversial issues at the school. They meet students at the classroom door and take a mental pulse of students’ demeanors. But most do not go out of their way to befriend kids or get involved in students’ personal lives. They are friendly, warm individuals who truly care about validating their students as individuals and see their job as teaching students — not merely teaching curriculum. (Bernstein-Yamashiro & Noam, 2013, p. 3).

Teachers aren’t the only ones who struggle with navigating boundaries – students are also often confused, and take cues from their teachers about where boundaries may lie. Teachers can and should be explicit with students about what is comfortable and uncomfortable for them; they can do this at the outset of the year, and as a regular practice as needed. Affirming and caring statements can provide clarity. For example, if a student seeks a teacher’s advice about a problem with friends or family, an effective reply might sound like, “I understand your dilemma and I can imagine how hard that must be. However, I am a teacher and not a counselor who is trained to advise you about complex life issues like this. I can connect you with someone in school who can help, but I’m not comfortable talking about important issues that are beyond my expertise.” 

Adolescents are keenly attuned to any differences in the way they and their peers are treated by adults. When students feel singled out, or believe that others are being singled out, it can create feelings of confusion, resentment, anxiety, and unsafety. Because of human nature and circumstance, teachers may have better and worse relationships with students in their class. Secondary-age students understand this, but they also need to see that the teacher can nonetheless treat all students with equal respect. Among other considerations, this “demonstrates an understanding of students’ overriding needs for acceptance in the eyes of their peers” (Bernstein-Yamashiro & Noam, 2013, p. 76).

It is important for students’ wellbeing that they not become “overly dependent” on their teachers (Bernstein-Yamashiro & Noam, 2013, p. 77). Moreover, teaching can be an all-consuming profession, and the ability to balance work and personal needs is vital to sustaining a long-term career. Young people who are often unaware of the differences between healthy and unhealthy boundaries, or appropriate and inappropriate behavior, will sometimes seek out the help of trusted adults outside of school hours. In those cases, it is the responsibility of adults to model healthy and appropriate boundaries, and to protect their personal time. Ideally schools and districts have emergency lines or designated staff for students to reach out to in the case of after-hours crises; otherwise, teachers may let their students know about the range of local, regional, and state resources that they can access if they are ever in need of support.

Teachers are some of the most powerful and influential actors in the lives of young people. Their power comes from their age and experience, their professional position, and their ability to assess, discipline, and generally influence the day-to-day lives and future opportunities of young people. Power and influence can often increase in proportion to the respect and affection that a student feels for a teacher. Often, however, teachers can be unaware of the extent to which their words, actions, and relationships are central to their students’ experiences, which may be one factor that can lead to accidental boundary crossing. No teacher will behave perfectly in every  instance, but it is vital for to acknowledge the built-in power dynamic between us and our students, and honor it by engaging in critical self-reflection and asking ourselves, especially in uncertain moments, if we are honoring our power, using it for the good of our students, and limiting it to the bounds of our professional role.