When children are struggling with something, they may want to talk it out. Many times it is helpful to the person to simply talk. They are not always looking for help, advice, or to be told what to do. They just want to be heard. Depending on what the person is going through, they may feel uncomfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings, and this is often due to a fear of being judged, which can make them feel ashamed of their thoughts or feelings. Being judged happens in many different forms, so learning how to listen non-judgmentally can be rather difficult.

Things to AVOID!

The following is a list of behaviors, actions, and words that can make a person feel ashamed of their thoughts or feelings, and may make it difficult for the person to freely share what they are thinking or feeling.

• Saying, “Why?” Especially when said as, “Why did you…”

• Many facial expressions or body language, including the following:

  • fear, anger, sadness, surprise

  • looking distracted, confused, or frustrated

• Taking an exasperated breath

• Minimizing events, feelings, or thoughts.

  • Saying, “That’s not a big deal.” or “Don’t worry about it.”

  • Saying, “Don’t be sad (or mad, scared, worried, etc.).”

  • Saying, “So…” or “So what?” or “Who cares?”

• Seeming rushed, distracted, or bored

It is important to avoid the above types of judgment when listening to someone. This can be difficult, especially since many of these types of judgment are so common and generally unintentional. However, as these types of judgment begin to diminish, it becomes easier to listen non-judgmentally, making the person feel more comfortable with sharing.

Ways to Listen NON-judgmentally

• First, let the person tell their whole story

  • Do not interrupt with input, similar stories, or advice

    • The person does not care at this point. They just want to be heard.

    • There may come a later time that you can do this.

  • If the person comes to a natural stopping point and you want more information about something, ask them.

    • “I heard you say [this], and I was wondering if you could tell me more about that.”

    • “So, what was that like?” or “How did that make you feel?”

    • “Oh, tell me more about that.”

• Pay attention to the person and their story.

  • Put everything else aside- phones, computers, tablets, etc.

  • Say things like, “Go on.” or “Okay”

  • Use whole-body listening.

• Be okay with silence.

  • Sometimes, the person needs to think before speaking again.

  • Other times, the person may just need a moment of quiet before moving on.

  • It is important to allow for this silence.