Ask yourself: 

"What do I really want as a result of this conversation?"

"How would I behave if I really wanted these results?"

• Some agreement on what has happened is important to build trust, but full agreement is impossible. 

• Two people can be part of the same experience and remember things very differently. Consider two people sitting in the back of a car and looking out of the window on their side of the vehicle. They will see totally different things, and they are both being honest & accurate.

• When a student shares a story with an adult, we have to remember that there are always other details and other perspectives. We all trust our children, but no single memory is 100% accurate. This is a great time to suspend certainty. 

• It can take a long time to agree on the details, and it doesn't always help repair harm.

• Sometimes, we have to accept the harm (e.g., the milk already spilled), and focus on how to fix it (e.g., let's both clean it up).

• Pointing fingers and fixing other people's problems are two common responses, but are ineffective. One casts blame without support and the other does all of the work without accountability. A better approach is to establish a mutual purpose, and ask how we can collaborate for an improved experience.

• Explore the cause of a challenge, a problem, or a behavior. This helps us improve.

• Blaming, shaming, and accusations are effective at making other people feel embarrassed and ashamed, but they don't help us repair, improve, or learn.

• If you really want a solution: try asking for help instead of assigning fault.  

Ask yourself: 

When we find ourself in a difficult situation, a better measure of our character is not in asking: "Who dropped the ball?" - rather, we should ask: "Why isn't everyone stepping in to help pick it up."

It is easy to get caught up in wanting to see  "justice served." but it's important to remember that: 

• Often these these details are private and confidential

• Many of our deeply held beliefs about what are appropriate and effective consequences have been debunked by research - and are actually counter-productive to long-term solutions

• Typical, punitive punishments generally encourage people to repeat misbehaviors by destroying a person's sense of value, importance, belonging, and connectedness. (These are exactly the kinds of unmet needs that encourage most misbehaviors)

• Current progressive, "positive," and restorative behavior practices, are not "light on crime." They require a much deeper level of accountability with an opportunity to learn, improve, and repair.  These critical pieces are left out of traditional "big consequences" like suspensions. 

Ask yourself: 

When we find ourself in a difficult situation, a better measure of our character is not in asking: "Who dropped the ball?" - rather, we should ask: "Why isn't everyone stepping in to help pick it up."