How to help your children with peer conflict
Pauline Li, MSSS Social Counselor
It is important for students to understand that conflict occurs naturally as we all have our own thoughts, options, cultures, and ideas, which may not always coincide. We want to guide them to develop skills that make conflict constructive. Here are seven steps to help your kids resolve their peer conflicts at school.
1. Cool off
First, before problem-solving can begin, your daughter needs time to calm down. Kids may benefit from a break in a quiet place when they feel tired, overwhelmed, or upset and could self-regulate their emotions. Taking deep breaths helps your kids interrupt and redirect the flow of emotions.
2. Scale the problem and seek support
Please scale the problem: How big is this problem? Can I handle this on my own? Do I need to resolve it with someone? Do I need help from an adult? If the problem is medium or big, please encourage them to ask for her social counselor, teacher or Don staff’s support. Parents could send a referral to counselors directly.
3. Teach them “I-statements”
By using “I-statements”, you take responsibility for how you feel, think and need, but “You-statements” generally imply that the person you are speaking to is responsible for how you feel. It tends to focus the conversation on blame, accusation and defensiveness.
**4 steps formula for making “I-statements” requests:
a. I feel …, when you…
b. The story I’m telling myself is …
c. I want/prefer …
d. Would you ...
4. Teach them walk in someone else’s shoes
Helping teens build empathy by understanding the world from the view of others is a very important skill that will work toward helping them become strong conflict solvers.
5. Brainstorm solutions to problems
This is a good time for kids to learn to compromise. Encourage them to brainstorm as many different options as possible and write them down.
6. Choose a solution
Encourage your daughters to evaluate the options and choose one option. It’s important that the solution to the problem does not create harm to someone else. Explain to them that making a choice also brings responsibility.
7. Move Forward
Moving forward needs to be a habit of practice. Please encourage your daughters to maintain a positive attitude and move forward.