When your best efforts don't go according to plan 

“When Your Best Efforts Don’t Go According to Plan”

We hope you gained some insights from lesson three and look forward to sharing more helpful resources with you in lesson four. As we have discussed in previous material, we may have setbacks. Despite our best-laid plans and all of our best efforts, other people have a choice in how to react. We cannot control the outcome, only influence it. This is just what we will discuss in lesson four: choices. Continuing to practice the skills we have already been learning while working with our kids to explore options will help everyone to communicate more effectively.

Lesson objectives:

1. Help parents understand the value of offering choices

2. Teach parents how to clearly state expectations

3. Promote resilience in parent and child

RETURN AND REPORT (from lesson 3)

1. Did you apply active listening skills?

2. Did you notice a time when someone actively listened to you?

3. Did you notice a difference in feelings and the result of conversations?

Pause and reflect…

What skills or personal characteristics does your child need to be taught to become an honorable, hard-working member of society?

“Parents can help young people become self-confident and active by behaving in an authoritative manner - trying to find a happy medium between exerting control and letting go. This means that parents must recognize and respect their adolescent's individuality and autonomy. Rather than relying on rewards and punishments, they should learn skills of persuasion and negotiation” (Jahn, 2016). 

Application of Skills:

Do you remember the balanced parenting we talked about in lesson one? Here’s where that comes into play.

Negotiation: seeking cooperation through compromise and a win-win approach to problem-solving.

Negotiation is quick.  We find out what the other person wants so we can create a mutually beneficial agreement.

Persuasion: trying to influence your teen through logic, critical thinking, problem-solving, and decision-making. 

Persuasion takes time because we are trying to influence the way a person thinks. It might not happen overnight. We have to look for common ground. We might have to say the same thing in many different ways.

“When trying to persuade teenagers, accurate knowledge of their needs and desires is one of the most effective tools you can use. If a parent really knows her teenager, she will know what's important to him. Dealing with adolescents is challenging precisely because they differ so much from each other and their needs for adult guidance vary so much” (Jahn, 2016). 

Balanced parenting style tips for negotiation and persuasion:

• Start with a problem-solving approach. Away from the heat of the moment, say to your teen, "We've got a problem. What do you think?"

• Make sure your problem-solving conversations are two-way. Make a real effort to listen to your teenager even when you disagree with his ideas or disapprove of his attitudes. This would be a good time to practice active listening or using empathy to help your teen feel heard and understood. 

• Be prepared to negotiate. Both of you want something from the other. A little give and take can go a long way in gaining cooperation.

• Have realistic expectations of your teen. Don't expect teens to be 100 percent cooperative and to want to spend all their time with the family. Remember the lesson about development? This would be a good time to think about what you are asking of your child and if they can successfully DO what you ask. 

• Don't forego your moral values or safety standards in order to get along with your teenager. As an authoritative parent, you reserve the right to set and enforce reasonable limits.

Pause and reflect…

After reading these suggestions, which method are you more likely to use: PERSUASION or NEGOTIATION? Is this compatible with your “out of the box” approach?

Please try to remember we are all on the same FAMILY TEAM! Even though living with an adolescent can feel like a rollercoaster, remember that your teenager needs you to reinforce your love and lessons more now than ever before. You’ve got this!

David Kozlowski, an expert in helping parents learn to partner with their teens, gives examples and practical advice in his podcast. Watch the following video for ideas: 

Be a better parent by partnering with your teen | David Kozlowski | TEDxSaltLakeCity

“Don't wait for your teenager to change, change the way you see them.” 

-David Kozlowski

Alternatives to Punishment

How would a Balanced (or Authoritative) Parent deal with situations that need correcting? 

What is the best way to teach a lesson that has a positive, long-lasting impact? 

Lauren Klosterboer wrote the following simple, yet comprehensive list of methods to teach your teen without feeling like they’re being punished. Her suggestions are based on principles from the book, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and How To Listen So Teens Will Talk that we introduced in Lesson 3. These ideas illustrate six alternatives to punishment that can communicate limits, express feelings of disapproval and help children understand acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.

1. Express your feelings strongly (without attacking character).

Example: “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain.”

“Children need to know how we are feeling. They need to understand that their actions can affect the way people feel. By expressing your feelings after your child has done something that you do not approve of, you provide them with an opportunity to understand other people’s feelings. It is very important to avoid any attacks on the child’s character. The words you choose when addressing your child will become their inner dialogue so be careful the next time you are tempted to call your child anything negative.”

2. State your expectations.

Example: “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.”

“Children are constantly learning. Sometimes we think that things are obvious and that children should just know what we expect of them. A reminder of your expectations is helpful in situations when there is an undesired behavior. Reminders can get exhausting, so limits are important.”

Have you thought about using a Behavior Contract? This is a document you can draft together, where expectations are explicitly stated and consequences are decided upon in advance. 

3. Show the child how to make amends.

Example: “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”

“Children will make mistakes and when this happens, over time they learn what they can do to fix those mistakes by having loving examples shown to them. Sometimes guilty feelings come after mistakes are made. Normalizing mistakes and focusing on how to make amends is not only a healthy mindset but also causes less anxiety. Most of the time we cannot change mistakes that happen in the past so dwelling on them does not help anyone. Parents can model how to correct mistakes after they have been made so the child can understand that mistakes will happen, but we all have the power to do something about our actions when we have done wrong.”

4. Give the child a choice.

Example: “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.”

“Choices are powerful. Giving children choices and allowing them the control to choose is empowering and teaches children responsibility. Dr. Garry Landreth, an internationally known speaker for his writings and work in promoting the development of child-centered play therapy, talks about how to teach your child self-control and self-discipline using choices. Clear choices outline with whom the responsibility lies. When Timmy Jr. forgets to return the tools, he was already presented with the consequence before he selected his choice. He chose not to return the tool, therefore, he chose to give up the privilege of using them. That way the next time Timmy tries to pull a “Well, you won’t let me use the tools”. You can kindly remind him of the choice he made by not returning them.”

Watch this great video from parenting coach, psychotherapist, and Author, Michelle Gambs as she explains reasons for offering choices to our children and gives practical tips and examples of how to use choices in parenting. 

Give Your Child Choices - You Choose or I’ll Choose For You - Michelle Gambs

5. Take action.

Example: Child: “Why is the toolbox locked?”  Parent: “You tell me why.”

“Remember earlier when we talked about limits? Taking action is following through on the limits you set for your child. The two choices were given, the child’s choice has been made, and it is time to hand down the natural consequence of that choice. Following through on the choice you have provided the child with is an important part of having children understand their actions have natural consequences. Notice how I used the words ‘natural consequence’ and not punishment. Let me explain the difference. A consequence is something that is going to happen when you do something. For example, if you, a parent, borrow something from your neighbor and forget to return it, the next time you need something from your neighbor do you think he will be willing to loan you anything? Probably not. Because the natural consequence of not returning something that does not belong to you is no longer being able to borrow things. Teaching children these important lessons through natural consequences instead of punishments is much more effective.”

What if expectations are still not met? Kids come home late, grades start dropping…? 

“Sometimes, there are really serious problems like when one of your absolute rules is broken. In those cases, you jump in following all of your protective instincts to ensure your child is safe. 

Oftentimes the infractions are minor problems that stem from oversights or overreaching.

For example–Your child comes home twenty minutes late without having called with a reasonable excuse. 

1. You choose to revoke that privilege for a period of time until your child demonstrates responsibility long enough to earn it back. 

2. You return curfew back to a time they successfully handled: “You did really well with an 8:45 pm curfew, so you’re back to that for 3 months.” 

3. Adjust the length of the consequence depending on how close you are to the next contract cycle and your child’s prior behavior.

This feels different than punishment. Punishments, like grounding, make sense only if you can make a case that real dangers exist. Grounding for two weeks for being an hour late won’t make sense to teens. They’ll feel punished and controlled and won’t learn anything, so real discipline hasn’t occurred. On the other hand, consequences directly tied to their behavior do make sense. Allowing them to return to a place where they demonstrated responsible behavior helps them to understand they are in control of their lives. They learn that their actions have consequences” (Ginsberg, 2019). 

6. Problem solve.

Example: “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”

“There will be times when having an open dialog with your child is the best way to get to the bottom of what is causing the misbehavior. We can read every parenting book in the world, attempt every strategy given, and it might not work for your child. Believe it or not, that’s a good thing. As people, we are not always ‘one-size-fits-all’ and every situation will not always fit inside one of these boxes. Be open to having a discussion with your child, remaining mindful of their feelings, and you will be surprised how many problems can be solved.”

Teen behavior expert, Josh Shipp wraps it up in this video:

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen To You

INVITATION/CHALLENGE: 

T.H.I.N.K. before you speak...

Step 1: Is what I am about to say True?

Step 2: Is it Helpful?

Step 3: Is it Inspiring?

Step 4: Is it Necessary?

Step 5: Is it Kind?

Pause and reflect

• ALWAYS focusing on what is going wrong can be a heavy burden for you and for your teen. 

• Where do you see yourself on the pyramid now? 

• How does it feel to focus on helping things go right? 

RETURN AND REPORT:

For this week’s homework assignment, we encourage you to T.H.I.N.K. before you speak and then offer choices. Be sure the choices you present can not be classified as threats or bribes. 

We would love to hear how these methods worked for you, please share!

Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are Marriage and Family Studies majors, not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization. 

This information is reviewed by a licensed clinical social worker for publishing on this website.

References

Jahn, T. (2016, May 24). The Art of Teenage Persuasion. Cornell Cooperative Extension. Retrieved February 17, 2023, from http://cceclinton.org/home-family/parent-pages/teens-pre-teens/the-art-of-teenage-persuasion 

YouTube. (2013). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen To You. YouTube. Retrieved February 17, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uojw0sSD0gg&ab_channel=MotivationalSpeakerforTeachers%E2%80%94JoshShipp. 

Klosterboer, L. (2020, July 14). Therapist's corner - 6 alternatives to punishment. Child Advocates of Fort Bend. Retrieved February 17, 2023, from https://www.cafb.org/therapists-corner-6-alternatives-to-punishment/ 

YouTube. (2019). Be a better parent by partnering with your teen. YouTube. Retrieved February 17, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzhmBDrB8E4&ab_channel=TEDxTalks. 

Ginsburg, K. (2019, May 1). Create a teen behavior contract. Center for Parent and Teen Communication. Retrieved February 20, 2023, from https://parentandteen.com/discipline-adolescent-responsibility-contract/