The Teenage Brain: Development & Communication Patterns

"The Teenage Brain: Development and Communication Patterns"

Lesson objectives:

• Help Parents to Recognize their Child’s Strengths

• Help Parents Understand How Development 

Affects Their Teen's Behavior

• Facilitate Strategies for Applying Understanding

Welcome to Lesson Two! Click here to watch our welcome video. 

YOUR CHILD’S MOST ANNOYING TRAIT MAY JUST REVEAL THEIR GREATEST STRENGTHS | Josh Shipp | TEDxMarin

Pause and reflect…

• What thoughts came to mind as you watched this video?

• Does your child have annoying traits that can be reframed and seen as potential talents?

• Are there behaviors you need to change or do more for your teen?

• The adolescent phase is difficult for most parents. But if we practice seeing our children’s most annoying habits or character traits as strengths, how much will our parenting (and stress level) improve?

Topic #1: What is Going On In the Teenage Brain?

Let’s start with a little science. Researchers have been studying the rapid change that happens in the adolescent brain for decades. The following video simplifies it and can also help you gain a little empathy for what they are going through. You may not remember going through all these same things yourself, but a little perspective will jog your memory. It looks different from the outsider’s perspective.

The Teen Brain: Why Teens Have Heightened Emotions

You may be thinking, “But why can’t he just listen to reason?!” Understanding that we are speaking to their emotions puts all this into perspective. During the adolescent years, children want to become equal to and independent of their parents. Remembering they don’t reason the same way as an adult with a fully developed brain will help when you are not seeing eye to eye. The judgment part of their brain is being overrun by emotional areas. I know one father who thought of it like a golf handicap. He gave his son a little credit before even engaging in a conversation. Click this link to learn more about the graphic above from Spark Their Future.

Topic #2: Why it is Important to Understand Adolescent Brain Development

There are plenty of people who will tear our kids down. Through our efforts to become Balanced Parents, our kids will feel secure knowing we are there to build them up. Learning how to build your teen instead of getting frustrated with the aggravating realities listed above can make all the difference for you and your child.

“Some conflict with parents can be regarded as a normal part of family relations during adolescence, and these conflicts are thought to affect adolescents’ development of autonomy and individuation. However, too many conflicts are risky for adolescents’ psychosocial adjustment and well-being. Adolescents who have more conflicts with their parents have more externalizing and internalizing problems; lower levels of self-esteem, well-being, and adjustment to school; and more frequent substance use” (Branje, 2018).

Recall from the video at the beginning of topic 1, “How Does The Teenage Brain Work”. It explains what happens in the teen brain, but also helps illustrate the importance of understanding this developmental phase and gives suggestions for balanced parenting.

Pause and reflect…

• What do YOU remember about being a teenager?

• Who was your biggest support and how did they show it?

• What were some of your struggles?

• What were some of your greatest learning experiences?

• Could your teen be experiencing some of the same feelings?

• Where do they need extra understanding and support?

Be careful not to push too hard as you offer your support. There is a thin line between the child who still needs you and the adult they are trying to become. (Balance!) If parents support their children as they acquire skills at their own pace, many problems can be prevented. The word “readiness” does not necessarily apply to us as parents. You’ll need to remain objective while also trusting your best parenting judgment.

Can you think of a time you weren’t ready to learn a concept but others expected it of you? I (Tami) was never good at math. In 4th grade, the rest of my class was moving on to fractions but I just couldn’t understand the concept. I missed recess and time with my friends every day as I tried to catch up. I recall feeling inadequate and dumb. Kids in class would laugh at me when I worked on the front board and got problems wrong. 

I am sure you can think of a time when you didn’t catch on to something as quickly as others. This experience affects us all in different ways, but you likely felt small. Sometimes parents place unrealistic demands on their children because they do not understand what is happening inside their child. Children want to live up to their parent's expectations, but if they can’t, there are adverse outcomes. “Long-term effects may include inferiority, insecurity, anxiety, and depression with an impaired ability to feel empathy for others” (Strengthening the Family Instructors Guide, 2006).

This is not where you feel guilty and think you are the worst parent on the planet because you have expectations for your teenager. Expectations are healthy so long as they are reasonable and accompanied by genuine love and support for their success. Dr. Cameron Caswell has a great recipe for success in the following Ted Talk video:

 Parenting teens:We're making it harder than it needs to be | Dr. Cameron Caswell | TEDxDeerParkWomen

Keep it simple…

1. Belief: Do you feel it is about the opportunity or survival mode?

2. Assumptions: Assume the best and step into their shoes before making judgments.

3. Approach: Motivation or manipulation? Set them up for success.

INVITATION/CHALLENGE:

Step 1: Think of a time when you learned something new and you felt proud.

Step 2: Think of how that affected the belief/confidence you had in yourself. 

How does that affect your life now?

Step 3: Think of something your child has learned and how you can boost their confidence.

Step 4: Write this experience down and place the note where they will find it.

Do you recall this graphic from our last lesson?

According to the Arbinger Insitute’s Pyramid of Change, parents should spend 5x more time and effort on actions that build relationships than on correction or criticism. Think of people in your own life who make you feel accepted and liked. If they offer you correction, is it easier to hear/believe compared to someone you don’t like or trust? Building a relationship does not mean that you will never experience conflict again.

“When parents and children can express their anger and irritation toward each other during a disagreement, but also show affection to each other, express interest in each other's opinions, and laugh about the conflict, the conflicts might help them find new ways to relate to each other. Parents and children who get stuck in anger or other negative emotions, or who express only positive emotions toward each other and are afraid to express anger, might have more problems renegotiating their relationship. Thus, greater emotional variability during parent-adolescent interactions involving conflicts reflects behavioral flexibility or the ability to adapt effectively and reorganize behavior in response to varying interpersonal and contextual demands related to adolescence (1)” (Branje, 2018) 

In some cases, parents actually reinforce unwanted behavior through punishment, ridicule, or criticizing the child. Such an emotionally intense focus draws undue attention to temporary behaviors. Parents who have a positive, supportive relationship with their children are more likely to recognize meaningful opportunities to teach skills and character traits. 

ACTIVITY BREAK:

Make a short list of expectations you have for your teenager. Which of these is causing conflict in your home? Where does the conflict stem from? If you were to look at your teenager from “outside the box” do you think you could find the root cause of the problem? Is your teen emotionally mature enough to fulfill your expectations? Are they feeling overwhelmed or inadequate? Do they have the tools to succeed?

RETURN AND REPORT:

For this week’s homework assignment, we would like you to tell your teen about a little positive thing you noticed each day. Do you remember Dr. Caswell’s suggestions? Placing their plate in the sink, they made you laugh, etc. These are the small, important behaviors that add up to greater patterns. This is going to require you to observe more carefully to see more positive things. 

Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are Marriage and Family Studies majors, not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization. 

This information is reviewed by a licensed clinical social worker for publishing on this website. 

Reference links:

1. https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/cdep.12278

https://arbinger.com/

https://www.sparktheirfuture.qld.edu.au/

https://momentousinstitute.org/blog/brain-under-construction

https://parentandteen.com/

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/strengthening-the-family-instructors-guide?lang=eng

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