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"Overbearing to Calm and Caring"
March 2023
Lesson objectives:
Help parents understand how to validate their child’s emotions
Help parents understand how to listen with empathy
Teach parents alternatives to punishment
RETURN AND REPORT from Lesson Two:
Did you catch your child doing something good? Remember the importance of giving positive feedback.
Small behaviors lead to patterns.
There is great power in giving compliments. How did it go?
Welcome to Lesson 3. We have covered a lot of background information to prepare you for better communication in lessons one and two. Lesson three will cover HOW to encourage your teen to talk by using listening skills that help them feel heard and loved.
Much of the information from this week’s lesson is gleaned from a great read How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I (Janae) discovered this book in one of my classes when my oldest was a young teenager. I have found some of the tips here to be incredibly helpful and I hope you do too. I am a visual learner so the little role-play comics throughout helped me to remember them better. I even made a copy of one and posted it by my closet to remind me to pick my battles.
Welcome to Lesson Three! Click here for this week’s introduction video.
To start, consider your typical response when your child expresses concern or frustration.
Pause and reflect…
Are you a “fixer?”
Do you like to skip the small talk and get right to the solution?
At times, do you feel that the problems kids have are small in comparison to ones you deal with as an adult?
Topic #1: Dealing with Feelings
We learned already in previous lessons that adolescents are emotional by nature. It may be difficult to understand sometimes, but we need to remember this is the way they typically react to problems as well. The website, Hey Sigmund has a great article that can help your teen through “naming their emotions” to uncover what they need.
As parents, it can be easy to see exactly how to solve a problem. Unfortunately, it is not our problem to solve. Sometimes validation is all they are looking for. Acknowledging their feelings helps them to feel seen and heard. Can you relate to the situation in the following video? Maybe you have been on both ends at one time or another.
Naming the emotion: Psychologist Karen Young from Hey Sigmund says, “‘If you can name it, you can tame it.’ This has become a mantra in modern psychology. Naming an emotion calms the nervous system. When we acknowledge their experience, the emotion that’s driving the behavior can start to ease. It’s done its job. We’ve heard them and understood them. The more we fight whatever it is our teens are feeling, or deny it, minimise it, or act like it doesn’t matter, the harder that emotion will work to do its job – which is to evoke a response – from them, from us.”
Example of acknowledgement or validation: Your teen wants to attend a friend’s party this weekend, but there are no privileges because of failing grades at school. When you say “no” to the party, your teen raises their voice and slams the bedroom door.
You go in later, sit on the bed, and in a calm voice say, ‘‘I can see how upset you are with me. I understand how much you want to go to the party. It’s really important to you to be with your friends, and you feel as though I’m getting in the way of that.”
Acknowledgement sends the message “I see you and this is a safe place no matter what is going on inside you”. This fosters trust between us and nurtures a connection that can increase our influence in a way that is gentle, powerful and important. When we listen with empathy and acknowledge how they feel, we don’t just feel bad for our child (sympathy), but we put ourselves in their shoes and show understanding for how it feels to be them in that moment.
The movie, “Inside Out” illustrates emotions in a comical and relatable way. Here is a great example of Joy trying to fix Bing Bong’s problem while Sadness’ empathetic listening was all he really needed:
Communication Skills: Empathetic Listening - Inside Out, 2015
Sometimes our kids need an advocate who will fight for them and fix what hurts, but doing so without their permission can overstep trust boundaries. Dr. Young also advises that we, “be a gentle witness to their experiences. We can do this by acknowledging. Acknowledging doesn’t mean condoning, and it doesn’t mean letting our boundaries melt away. It means validating the feelings that are driving our teens’ behaviour, in a reflective, present, non-judgemental way. All feelings are valid and it’s okay for them to be there. What isn’t okay is the behaviour that’s driven by those feelings.”
Acknowledgment examples you can try today:
When your teen is angry, this emotion means there’s something in the way of something I want. (Try, ‘You seem angry that it hasn’t worked out the way you thought. I get that.’)
Sadness means I’ve lost something important to me. (Try, ‘I understand how much [it] meant to you. It’s okay for you to be upset.’)
Jealousy means I want something somebody else has. (This isn’t always the main issue. It might seem like it is, but there is usually a need underlying that like love, praise, attention, status, recognition – something that feels important for them.) (Try, ‘It can be hard when other people get something we’ve really been wanting can’t it.’)
Anxiety means I might be in danger. (This doesn’t always mean physical danger – it could mean the threat of humiliation, embarrassment, loss.) (Try, ‘You seem worried that _____. Is there anything you’d like from me?’)
Here’s one more example of how the right kind of listening can help turn around a situation when there is an issue at home…
Everybody Loves Raymond Uses Active Listening - from Parent Effectiveness Training
ACTIVITY BREAK:
This game from Good Listening Skills offers a great opportunity for you to practice your listening skills. You can try it with just one other person or play with a group in teams of two.
Tell Me What You See
Practice active listening by having your teen describe the drawing provided and then try to draw it using only the information received by asking questions.
Objective:
Develop the active listening skills of (1) asking questions to seek information and clarify understanding, and (2) listening attentively to the answers. These skills help reduce misunderstandings when communicating with others, especially your teen.
Promote collaboration. The partners are a team and not competing with each other. The idea is for partners to communicate clearly in order to help each other accurately draw the picture. Figuring out ways to clearly communicate with each other and to listen actively will be vital to success.
Directions:
Split the group into pairs and have each pair sit back-to-back.
Give Participant 1 a simple picture (links below). Ensure Participant 2 does not see it.
Give Participant 2 a blank sheet of paper and a pen for drawing.
Start a 5-minute timer.
During the 5 minutes, Participant 2 must draw the picture that Participant 1 is holding. They can ask any questions they like, and Participant 1 is to describe the picture as prompted by those questions. The goal is to collaborate and help each other, not to compete.
The only rule is that Participant 2 must not see the picture (or a photo of the picture). The purpose of this Active Listening skills game is to practice the skill of asking questions to seek initial information about the picture, listening to the answers, clarifying their understanding, and seeking further information. So, there is no benefit in cheating.
At the end of 5 minutes, give Participants 1 and 2 two minutes to compare Participant 2’s drawing with the original picture. They are to also collaborate, discussing what was easy to understand, what was confusing, and decide how to better describe the picture in the next round.
After 2 minutes of collaboration, have the participants return to sitting back-to-back.
Swap roles. Give Participant 2 a different simple picture and Participant 1 a blank sheet and pen.
Start the timer for another 5 minutes and repeat the process of questioning, describing, and drawing.
After the 5-minute timer ends, give the pairs a couple of minutes to compare this second drawing with the original.
Pictures 1 & 2: https://www.goodlisteningskills.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/ActivelListeningGames-SimplePicture1.pdf
Pause and reflect…
How Did You Do
Did your listening skills need work?
How well did you listen to your partner?
INVITATION/CHALLENGE:
Use this Active Listening worksheet to practice with your partner or teen.
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/active-listening
Step 1: Select a subject that is non-confrontational. Ask your partner or teen about something they like or are interested in doing.
Step 2: Go through the steps of the Active Listening worksheet by showing them you’re listening, encourage sharing, and listening to understand.
Step 3: Ask your teen or partner to switch roles and have them use the Active Listening worksheet.
Step 4: Place this worksheet in a place where it can be seen. Use it during the discussions that are more difficult.
Revisiting the Pyramid of Change…
How are you doing staying “Out of the Box?”
Notice we are gaining ground on the pyramid. What level do you see yourself in now?
You may be in multiple levels; building relationships is a continual process.
RETURN AND REPORT:
There are links for great activities in this week’s lesson, but here is your homework assignment: Look for opportunities to use the skills on the Active Listening Worksheet with your teen. Make note of how it feels to truly hear the thoughts and feelings of others. If you switched roles, how did it feel to be heard and seen by someone else? Does it make a difference in the outcome of the discussion?
Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are Marriage and Family Studies majors, not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.
This information is reviewed by a licensed clinical social worker for publishing on this website.
Reference links:
How to Talk so Teens Will Listen & Listen so Teens Will Talk https://howtotalkworkshops.com/
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/active-listening
https://www.heysigmund.com/you-and-your-teen-acknowledge/
Drawing game: This game was originally published along with other Active Listening games in the article '7 Unique Active Listening Games, Exercises and Activities for Adults' by Andrew G. Ward, at www.goodlisteningskills.org, © 2020
https://www.goodlisteningskills.org/active-listening-games-exercises-activities/
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