Parenting - Now what?

“Now What?”

March 2023

Lesson objectives:

1. Review lessons 1-4

2. Help parents come up with a game plan to increase and practice new skills

3. Empower parents to make a positive impact

RETURN AND REPORT (from lesson 4)

1. Did you take opportunities to T.H.I.N.K.?

2. What kind of choices did you offer?

3. Did you have to get creative to make sure they were not bribes or threats?

Pause and reflect…

• Has the pyramid of change inspired any change in you?

• Do you feel like you understand how to “help things go right?”

Topic #1: Recap Lesson 1-4

Lesson One

1. Parenting style

We learned in lesson one that a balanced approach to parenting is most effective. If you had some helicopter-style tendencies, have you felt more comfortable with giving your child increased autonomy? If you were more permissive, have you found the strength to hold your ground on matters that are most important to you? Either way, we are incredibly proud that you are still here trying to improve your parenting skills. Way to stick with it!

2. Thinking “outside the box” about your children–parental self-awareness

We learned from The Anatomy of Peace that when we betray our sense to do good for someone else, we put ourselves in a metaphorical box. The box limits our capacity to see others as people  and prevents us from finding real solutions. Remember, we can recognize our “in the box” moments when we feel inclined to blame others or justify our behaviors. If we haven’t promoted it enough, here’s another plug. You have got to read this book, it is life-changing and the most memorable material I (Janae) have read over the course of my degree.

3. Your child’s most annoying traits might be their greatest strengths

Over the last few weeks have you observed your child’s behaviors in different ways? Stubbornness versus determination, Wreckless versus fearless, shy versus observant, etc. Reframing their annoying habits into positive characteristics can give you the tools to help them develop their greatest strengths.

4. Make date night a regular event! 

Go on another date. I (Janae) like to use their birthdate as a monthly reminder to take each of my kids out for some special one-on-one time with either parent. I have a daughter born on the 3rd, so we try to take her out on the 3rd of every month. If the 3rd has a conflict, we try for the 4th, 2nd, or earlier in the day…you get the idea. Make sure you put it on a shared calendar so they help you make sure it happens. You’ll likely find your child looks forward to it too!

Lesson Two

1. The growing teen brain–what’s going on!?

We learned that puberty changes a child’s body on the outside, but we sometimes overlook the 

 fact that there are even greater changes happening inside their bodies. This means:

• Adolescents can be emotional.

• Adolescents may reject their parents, and even act as though they hate them.

• Adolescents tend to test – and sometimes push – limits.

• Adolescents seem particularly susceptible to peer influence.

We now understand that these internal changes are necessary for adolescents to become the adults we hope they will become. 

2. Parenting–we’re making it harder than it has to be

We learned that every parent, in every moment, has a choice. Conflict starts when parents try to mold and shape their teens to fit into their expectations. But, as Dr. Caswell stated, we must stop controlling them and focus on what we CAN control–HOW we show up for them.

We also have to change our negative assumptions about our teens. In Dr. Caswell’s TedTalk, she taught us that these types of assumptions don’t give our kids a fighting chance. By labeling them as lazy, irresponsible, or disrespectful, we react to their words and behavior with accusations or contempt. Instead, Dr. Caswell suggests looking for the “positive” or the good in your teen! By changing our focus, we become partners with our teens and not enemies. 

Lesson 3

1. Dealing with feelings (help our kids name the emotion)

“If you can name it, you can tame it.” Remember Psychologist Karen Young taught us that naming the emotion we are experiencing calms our nervous system. By acknowledging it, we are able to take control of the thoughts and behavior that come from these feelings. Some adults still need to practice naming emotions and teens learn emotional intelligence from their adult role models. If we can’t do it, we can’t teach it. When we understand WHAT they are feeling, we will better understand where the behavior is coming from during challenging moments.   

2. Active listening and being empathetic (see it from their side of the couch)

This was one of my (Tami's) personal favorite parts of the lessons we wrote. How many times have we been in the middle of a “moment” with our teen and we have NO IDEA what is going on or how to respond? I felt a lot of relief knowing that I don’t need a solution right then! I just needed to listen completely and try to understand what my teen was feeling. In this lesson, we practiced acknowledging feelings and improving our listening skills. 

Lesson 4

In earlier lessons, the focus was listening to understand. In Lesson 4, the focus was on using the understanding we have gained to communicate effectively with our teens. We talked about the art of negotiation and how to use balance in approaching topics with our teens to maintain a spirit of partnership. We must know their needs and what makes them tick.

This lesson gave a comprehensive list of HOW to approach behavior correction using the skills we’ve learned. There are more effective methods than punishment such as the Behavior Contract and giving choices. Lesson 4 was all about the HOW of communicating. We hope you found this lesson informative. 

Pause and reflect…

Which lesson might you need to revisit? Are there concepts that need more practice? 

Parents have power in the lives of their children.

Your influence lasts a lifetime and every effort you make to improve yourself will help your child. Watch a short clip from Parenting Coach/Psychotherapist/Author Michelle Gambs as she reads from Haim Ginott's book, “Kids Are Worth It.” You can view the full video below if you’re interested in more:

The Power of Being a Parent - Kids Are Worth It (Book) - with Michelle Gambs

Topic #2: Game Plan/Goal Setting

Our final topic for these lessons is HOW DO WE MOVE FORWARD? We have learned so much, so how do we remember and apply the things we’ve learned to continue to improve? 

Have you thought about what you want to achieve as a parent? You’ve spent a lot of time reading through these lessons on communication. What has been personally applicable for you or for your family? 

What memories do you want to create for your child?

What kind of relationship do you want with your child?

Goal setting is important in modeling behavior for parents. This is one way to instill values and build the relationships you want with your kids. The goals should be focused on what you can do as a parent to support your child’s strengths and weaknesses, and empower them to be successful. “Ask yourself what outcomes you want for your child and what actions would help achieve these” (Klemz, 2018).

Your goal-setting should help you become the parent you want to be, but it should also be achievable. To build effective goals, consider using the S.M.A.R.T. method as outlined on Real Life Counseling’s website. Be sure to write them down and don’t overwhelm yourself with too many at once.

S.M.A.R.T. goals are:

• Specific – they’re not vague.
  Example of a Specific goal: Help my child so they can get themselves up on time for school within two weeks.

• Measurable – the results can be measured.
  Example of a Measurable goal: Dedicate 30 minutes every day to a one-on-one activity of my child’s choice.

• Actionable – they start with a powerful action word or verb.
  Example of an Actionable goal: Stop and take three deep breaths whenever I feel myself losing my temper.

• Realistic – this is possibly the most important criteria for parenting goals. Your goals must be achievable!
  Example of a Realistic goal: Instead of writing: Pack only healthy lunches it is best to say– Involve my child in choosing healthier options for their lunch.

• Time-bound – associate a timeframe for when your goal must be completed.
  Example of a Time-Bound goal: Help my child apply for a job by Tuesday.

Combine these elements to make one effective goal. You can print off these SMART goal sheets to guide you. Start with ONE goal that is of highest priority. Try practicing it for at least one month, then try adding another goal.

We hope you have found value in the information we have shared with you. Please complete our online survey! We would love to hear your thoughts. 

The authors of this online curriculum are Marriage and Family Studies majors, not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization. 

This information is reviewed by a licensed clinical social worker for publishing on this website. 

References

Klemz, J. (2018, July 31). Parent goal setting makes better parents. Real Life Counseling. Retrieved March 1, 2023, from https://reallifecounseling.us/parent-goal-setting/ 

Canada's Children’s Hospital Foundation. (2020, December 31). Smart Goal Planning Worksheet. Meant2Prevent. Retrieved March 1, 2023, from https://meant2prevent.ca/downloadable-smart-goal-planning-worksheet/