Finding Peace with your teen

"Finding Peace with Your Parenting Style and with Your Teen"

Lesson objectives:

o  Help parents understand the pros/cons of parenting styles

o  Help parents learn balance while dealing with conflict in their home

o  Help parents to recognize habits and how to make positive connections

Welcome to lesson one! We are excited to be on this journey with you. Navigating adolescence can be a confusing and frustrating time. Aren’t you glad you don’t have to do it again? Parenting those teens is your new challenge, but with the right tools, it can be really fun and rewarding, we promise! We are parents of teens too and, while we may not have all the same experiences you do, many of the principles are the same. 

I (Janae) will be the first to admit that I am far from being a perfect parent, but I have gotten some things right. One of my sons, who is 19 and had some particularly challenging teenage years, called me last night. As we were chatting, I told him I was in the middle of writing this curriculum and his comment was, “Huh, cool…you’ll be good at that.” Once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I realized this is the purpose behind what we wish to accomplish here. It may not come quickly or easily, but the work you are about to put in will be so worthwhile.

Your teen is in this awkward “limbo” of learning--drawing closer to adulthood while continuing to enjoy childhood at the same time. They are pushing boundaries, figuring out who they are and who they want to become, and yes, still living under your roof with your rules. Most parents have the best of intentions, but we all make mistakes. This is not the parenting manual you were hoping for when you left the hospital with your newborn, but we hope to help you find that delicate balance between protecting your kids and giving them the freedom they need to grow and learn. We are writing this blog to consolidate information we have studied in our many semesters as students of Marriage and Family Studies. We have gathered research and practical advice from countless resources to help parents who wish to improve communication with their teens.

Do we feel like this is a huge task and maybe a little over our heads? Probably, but we are up for the challenge. Our families have benefitted from these materials and we would love it if we could help at least a few more parents experience an increase of peace and understanding in their own homes. We hope you can enjoy more of the time you have left with the amazing human being you have raised.

Topic #1: Finding Peace with Our Parenting Style.

Did you know you have a parenting style? Intentional or not, we are sure you will relate to one or maybe more of the images below. You and your teen are two individuals, most likely living in a home with other individual personalities. Sometimes these relationships and other factors in daily life influence your parent/child dynamic. For our purposes. these style definitions are more generalizations that can help you gauge your starting point. 

So, how involved are you? A helicopter parent who needs to control as much as you can, a free spirit with an “anything goes” attitude, or more than likely, somewhere in between. What does this mean for your teen?

Research shows that “...the more involvement, autonomy granting, and structure that adolescents perceive from their parents, the more positively teens evaluate their own general conduct, psychosocial development, and mental health” (Gray & Steinberg, 1999). In other words, if teens feel trusted and supported by their parents, they will likely exhibit more positive behavior, have more friends, and generally, be happier. Obviously, this is a desire for most parents. You are here, reading this lesson, so you must be willing to put in some effort. Are you willing to make changes to the way you react and speak to your teen? Studies show that this makes a difference in their lives, which will reflect in the way they behave at home. 

According to the Center for Teen and Parent Communication, looking at our actions and reactions as parents is where we start if we want to improve our relationship with our teenagers.

“If you have teens or take care of them, there will be times when life feels like a balancing act. After all, how do you let your teens become more independent and take control of their lives when that could mean they make choices you disagree with? Then again, if you’re too heavy-handed or overbearing, will you push them away? Maybe you’ll tiptoe around a small issue in hopes of it not becoming larger. Or you’ll wonder exactly what you did that triggered them to be so publicly embarrassed. Life with teens is full of pushes and pulls. There are many ways parents can contribute to their teens having a feeling of control. But let’s ask first, how controlling are we as parents? We need to look at our own parenting style. To think about what’s been working and what hasn’t. With self-reflection and possible changes in our own actions come more power and better balance in parenting teens” (Pontz, 2020).

Your parents had a style too. Our parenting style is built from what we liked and did not like about how we were parented. It is important to know more about ourselves so we can make intentional parenting choices. Our behaviors affect our home and children for better or for worse. If we want the better to outweigh the worse, having a plan is important. Do any of your children seem anxious? Is your “good child” starting to rebel? Is your child constantly pushing your buttons? These behaviors stem from unmet needs in our children and are directly associated with our parenting style. 

Experts have identified 4 main Parenting Styles: Authoritarian, Permissive, Authoritative, and Neglectful (uninvolved). The graphic below may depict scenes you are familiar with. You may find you are not clearly in one quadrant or another, but try to identify which one describes you the majority of the time.

If you are still unsure, this quick parenting style quiz will help you identify characteristics of your style:

  PARENTING STYLE QUIZ

Here’s an optional video that describes these parenting styles if you would like to learn about them in detail:

4 Types of Parenting Styles and Their Effects On The Child

You’ve learned that authoritative (also known as balanced) parenting is most effective for parent/child communication. As you watch the following video on balanced parenting, keep this question in mind: Why should balanced parenting be important for your family?  

We Know What Works: The Power of Balanced Parenting

  Pause and reflect…

• How has your style of parenting affected your children and the environment in the house? 

• Do you think your child feels supported and confident?

• What are you doing well that builds love and unity in the home?

• As you listened to Dr. Ginsburg, what reactions or actions did you feel inspired to change?

After years of research, studies show that the authoritarian parenting style has the best long term outcome for children. The Center for Teen and Parent Communication describes this style of parenting as balanced parenting. 

“Think of these kinds of parents in the same way we think of lighthouses. They act as a stable force on the shoreline, guiding their children to safety, but helping them learn to navigate rougher waters. This style is warm, loving, and responsive to a developing person’s needs. It also is protective in that it includes just enough rules and monitoring to keep a child safe. Each family can find the right balance for their children and neighborhood. All young people benefit from knowing they are loved. But let’s be honest, some kids need more rules by virtue of their nature or need to be monitored more closely because their peer group or neighborhood is more challenging. Balanced parenting leads to children with greater success in many areas. These include, better grades, better mental health, less drug use, later and safer initiation of sex, less violence, less bullying and safer driving behaviors. This kind of parenting also leads to the closest and most communicative relationships between parents and children. It is the style of parenting we know works best overall”(Calafat et.al, 2014)

Now that we’ve learned more about parenting style and its importance in our children's lives, we have an invitation for you: modify just one behavior. Real results can be accomplished with small steps. We don’t expect you to completely morph overnight, and maybe all you need is a little boost. Think of a challenging interaction that is either current or comes up frequently.

INVITATION/CHALLENGE: 

Step 1: Choose something in your thoughts or behavior toward your teen that you need to stop doing (negative) OR do more of this week (postive). Here are some ideas to consider:

• Am I being the parent they need me to be?

• Do I watch my tone and temperament?

• Do I ask questions before I assume or direct my child?

• Do I take time to understand their point of view? 

Step 2: Decide what situation will be improved when you use this action.  How do you want your interaction with your teen to look? What words will you use that will be helpful? 

Step 3: Write this (action) in a statement. 

“I will say/do _______________ when ________________ does/says ________________.” 

For example, your son has been working at a job for a few months. But today, the manager called your cell phone to see if your son was healthy/ok because he didn’t show up for his shift. When your son shows up at home later on, you want answers. 

A permissive parent might say, “You didn’t feel like going to work today? Me either. Its only one time, it’s no big deal.”

An authoritarian parent might say, “If you don’t show up to your job, you’ll lose access to the car because I can’t trust you.”

An uninvolved parent might say, “Hey, your boss called.”

A balanced parent might say, “Hey, your boss called and said you didn’t show up to your job today. Are you alright? Let’s talk about what’s going on.” 

Your goal could look like this:

“I will ask my son and not assume when I think he is being irresponsible.” 

Step 4: Write it down and post it somewhere you can see it. Having a reminder of this small change you’re going to make this week will be helpful. 

Topic #2: Get Out of the Box! Parental Self-Awareness

Your plan of action for the challenge is most likely not your first instinct because the challenge you described above is likely a source of conflict. This is why you are here. Conflict in our lives is unavoidable. It doesn’t mean you are a bad parent or your child is a bad kid. It just means that two people have room to grow. Now we are at a point of awareness. What do we do/say when tensions rise and we want to react? First, consider how you feel toward your child. Are you in a calm, understanding and caring place or at the point where you just want them to obey and agree no matter what it costs?

Researchers, Goddard and Marshall, state that we cannot be “effective with other people when our hearts are hard, shriveled, and accusing. And the bad news is that the default settings for our hearts are just that negative due to the many biases that cloud our perception and processing…. The good news is that there is a clear path for getting our hearts right. They recommend a three-part formula: humility, compassion, and positivity” (Duncan & Goddard, 2016, p. 109).

• Humility: Being sensitive to the situation and perspective of others

• Compassion: Trying to understand how others feel pain and joy

• Positivity: Seeing the good in your child

How do you think you might react to your challenge while exercising these characteristics? Our guess is that you perceive your odds of success to be higher. Easier said than done when we are dealing with conflict, right? In the Arbinger Institute’s best selling book, The Anatomy of Peace (a read we highly recommend to everyone!) we learn that having a hard heart toward an individual is like putting yourself in a metaphorical box. This “box” limits your capacity to see the other person as a person and prevents you from finding real solutions. Despite our best intentions, our own biases or perceptions blind us to our own role in challenging family situations or to underlying causes that might bring on negative behaviors in our teens. This is like living in a box! Sometimes we can’t see (or even believe) that we are a big part of the problems in our lives. So, everything we do while inside our current way of thinking (THE BOX) is not effective in changing issues in our lives and with others. But, once we are able to see the current situation or challenge with humility, new solutions are possible and we can mentally or emotionally get out of “the box.” It requires a change of heart.

You’ll recognize your “in the box” moments when you feel inclined to blame others or seek justification. Keeping a journal of these feelings can help you recognize patterns and help you notice when your patterns change. If you would like to learn more about the benefits of getting out of the box, we encourage you to watch the following Ted Talk:

TEDxHampshireCollege - Jim Ferrell - Resolving the Heart of Conflict

The change of heart we mentioned is illustrated in the Arbinger Institute’s Pyramid of Change. Take a moment to study this pyramid carefully (we will definitely revisit this in future posts). Notice that the largest section, the most critical step, is “Get out of the box–approach the relationship with a heart at peace.” 

The Pyramid of Change can help guide you through conflict and there are many lessons we can learn from it. We will discuss the three main points and how we can apply them:

1. Most of our time and effort should be spent at the lower 5 levels of the pyramid.

   • Helping things go right will prepare you to tackle problems that arise.

2. The solution to a problem at one level of the pyramid always lies in the section below.

   • Never move up to the next level until you are confident with the last.

3. One’s effectiveness at each level of the pyramid ultimately depends on the lowest level of the pyramid—a heart at peace or one’s way of being (Anatomy of Peace, pg 246).

  Pause and reflect…

Think of someone you’d like to change. Who benefits from this change and why is it important to you? This will help you to understand if your heart is at peace or at war, what the Arbinger Institute likes to call your “way of being”. If you want to help or change this person, what level of the pyramid needs more of your time? What could you do to improve your efforts on that level? Is it listening, spending more time together or getting to know their friends and other influences? To motivate real change in our children, it is our responsibility to spend time helping things go right.

RETURN AND REPORT:

We have a little homework assignment for you based on all that you have learned today. Now that you understand how to get out of your box and build the relationship, you can start the application of these principles. Your assignment is to plan a parent/kid date to begin promoting your positive communication environment. It does not have to be elaborate or expensive, but we have a couple of ground rules.

1. This is one-on-one time, no third parties allowed.

2. You can’t ask for anything in return or have expectations from the date.

3. Don’t overcomplicate it, you are just spending time together.

4. You are not allowed to bring up any problems or concerns you have. If they want to talk, you listen. This is not the time for unsolicited advice.

5. Find at least one positive thing to compliment your child on during your date.

Enjoy your date and we will see you in lesson two!

Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.

References 

Calafat, A., García, F., Juan, M., Becoña, E., & Fernández-Hermida, J. R. (2014). Which parenting style is more protective against adolescent substance use? Evidence within the European context. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 138, 185-192. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2014.02.705

Duncan, S.F., Goddard, H.W., (2016). Familylife education: Principles and practices of effective outreach (3rd ed.). Sage Publications, Incorporated. 

Gray, M. R., & Steinberg, L. (1999). Unpacking authoritative parenting: Reassessing a multidimensional construct. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61(3), 574–587.https://doi.org/10.2307/353561

Morin, A. (2022, August 9). 4 types of parenting styles and their effects on kids. Verywell Family. Retrieved January 26, 2023, from https://www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045?utm_source=pinterest&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=shareurlbuttons 

Pontz, E. (2018). We Know What Works: The Power of Balanced Parenting. YouTube. YouTube. Retrieved January 26, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iYLnoWoGrg.

Pontz, E. (2020, March 23). The parenting style that works. Center for Parent and Teen Communication. Retrieved January 26, 2023, from https://parentandteen.com/parenting-style-balanced-parenting-works/ 

Readingraphics. (2022, October 20). Book summary - the anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart of conflict. Readingraphics. Retrieved January 26, 2023, from https://readingraphics.com/book-summary-the-anatomy-of-peace/ 

TedX Talks. (2011). Resolving the Heart of Conflict. YouTube. Retrieved January 26, 2023, from https://youtu.be/YyhOT3jCcR4.