Halfway There

It was a heart thing that killed their father. Nathan can’t remember the name of the condition, only that it was long and sounded scary. The doctor said that in the best case, people with their father’s condition were able to recover. Their father wasn’t the best case. It was in the middle of midterms when he got the call.  After the funeral service, his grandmother pulled him aside and shared his father’s last wish.

Apparently his father’s last request was for him to drive from Philadelphia to Florida with his moody little brother, Corey, so they could spread his ashes at his old childhood house. Operation: Spread Your Estranged Father’s Ashes, was a go.

They’ve been on the road for hours and Corey has barely spoken. Their father’s urn is buckled into a child’s booster seat because Nathan didn’t know what to do with it. A decision that made Corey immediately roll his eyes and listen to music on his phone when Nathan picked him up from their grandparents house.

As the sun sets, Nathan clears his throat “I was thinking, when this is all over, we could hang around Florida for a while. Dad always said he would take us to Disney World when we were kids. I know it sounds childish but- I don’t know, maybe it could be a way of honoring him.”

Apparently, this statement was enough to get Corey to break his vow of silence. “He doesn’t deserve to be honored. Hell, he doesn’t even deserve to have us do this for him. ”

The disdain in his voice makes Nathan look at him, taking his eyes off the road. His eyes stray for too long, because another car honks at him when he starts swerving. “What are you talking about? He’s our dad.”

“Come on Nathan, he was barely in our lives. You and I both know grandpa was more of a father to us than he was after mom died. I don’t even know why he wants us to do this for him.”

“Because he loved us.”

“Then where was he? He didn’t even let us visit him in the hospital”

“He didn’t want us to see him sick.”

“Or he didn’t want to be reminded of the family he abandoned.”

Nathan’s about to argue, but the words fall flat on his lips. After their mother’s death, their father was in a bad space. Their paternal grandparents offered to let the boys stay with them until their dad got back on his feet. What was supposed to be a few weeks turned into years. Nathan’s eyes start to feel blurry and he knows if he blinks the tears will be unstoppable. He can’t let that happen, so like a man on a mission, he keeps his eyes focused on the road and doesn’t try to make conversation again. 

When they get to Charleston, they decide to stop for the night at a dusty motel. The next morning, Nathan wakes up to the sound of Corey’s phone vibrating on the dresser. He grabs it to turn it off but stops when he sees the screen full with text messages.  They’re all from a guy named Brady who has heart emojis next to his name.

Hey, I’m still pissed with you but...how r u doing?

I know this is hard, but try to make the best of it. And try not to be too bitchy :)

If you need anything call me, love you.

P.S- You’re still not off the hook.

The phone is snatched out of his hand before he can read anymore. He looks up to see Corey looking even angrier than he was yesterday. Nathan tries to explain, but can barely stutter out an apology before Corey stomps into the bathroom and slams the door shut. When they’re back on the road, Corey’s silent treatment has a colder edge to it. Nathan apologizes several times but Corey just stares out the window. 

He knows that Corey will probably be in this mood for a whole, so he decides to ask what he really wants to know. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone? And why is he upset with you?”

Corey laughs before muttering under his breath. “Why are you pretending that you care now?”

Nathan’s about to ask what he means, but then the car makes a sputtering sound and the engine starts smoking.  He curses as he pulls the car to the side of the road and gets out to pop the hood. He coughs at the smoke that comes out. He can hear Corey cursing as he calls for a tow truck. In that moment, he has never envied his father more.

According to the mechanic, it’ll take a few hours to fix the car but they’ll still make it to Orlando by sundown. While in the waiting room, Nathan glances at Corey, who’s holding their father’s urn. He looks uncomfortable holding it, even a little awkward; he keeps adjusting it in his arms, never finding the right position.

“I can hold him if you want.” Corey immediately shoves the urn into Nathan’s arms and a noticeable chill goes through the younger boy’s body. “Wow, I know you hate dad but, damn.”

“I don’t hate him.”

Nathan can’t stop the snort that comes out of him. “Okay.”

“I don’t. I mean… never mind”

“No, tell me.” Nathan only gets the cold shoulder. He’s so tired of this, it’s like dealing with a baby animal. Push too hard, and you scare them away. After a few moments, an idea pops into his head. “You’re probably just too scared to tell me.” Then he makes a clucking sound.

Corey arches an eyebrow. “Did you just cluck at me? Like a freakin’ chicken?”

Nathan just clucks again and again. This is what he used to do when they were younger to goad Corey into doing something. It’s ridiculous and demeaning; but he’s also desperate and praying that it works.

“Oh my God, you’re having a mental breakdown, and in public no less.” Corey says. Nathan just continues to cluck, increasingly getting louder. “Okay, okay you freakin’ weirdo. You want to know how I really feel about dad?”

Nathan nods, thanking God that he didn’t make a fool out of himself for nothing.

“I don’t feel anything, absolutely nothing. You know, I used to believe him when he said he would visit and we would spend time together, but as the years went on- I just stopped caring. First I was sad, then angry but now- I just feel numb. And I'm angry at myself for not being sad, because what kind of monster doesn’t care that their father is dead?”

Nathan is quiet for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

Corey shrugs. “You're in college. It’s not your fault we had a father who only loved us halfway. I got used to it,” Nathan still feels a pit in his stomach. “Oh and you want to know why my boyfriend is pissed with me?  Because I refuse to introduce him to  grandma and grandpa..”

“Why?”

“Okay, they’ve picked up the slack that dad has left, but they don’t love me all the way. You know they don’t acknowledge that I’m gay. They only love parts of who I am; I don’t want Brady to see that.”

Nathan gulps. “Do you think I’m the same way? I mean you said it yourself, i’m always at college. I didn’t even know you were seeing someone, you used to tell me that stuff.”

Corey’s silence gives him his answer, and it feels like a stab to the gut. The pain doesn’t subside when they’re back on the road, hours later. He thought getting the phone call about his father’s death was the worst thing to have happened to him. Well, that paled in comparison to him learning that he has made his little brother feel the same way their father had. And the fact that he feels that way about their grandparents was unacceptable for him.

“You’re wrong,” He ignores the questioning look Corey gives him and continues. “You might be right about me and I can’t speak for dad, but I know for a fact that grandpa and grandma love us and you being gay doesn’t change that. They don’t acknowledge it because they don’t know how to talk about it; you and I both know that when they don’t understand something, they refuse to ask for help. Remember last Christmas when grandma got a new phone, but didn’t know how to work the camera?”

Corey snickers. “She took seventeen pictures of herself by accident.”

“And even then, she still didn’t ask for help. They are too stubborn to admit when they don’t understand something; but that doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to try and learn, especially for you. You just have to be the one who reaches out first. They deserve the benefit of the doubt.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Corey processing his words.  

“Also, can I just say, you bringing a boy home to them would not be a problem; you bringing home a boy named Brady might be.”

Corey snickers. “Shut up, asshole.”

It’s been so long since he’s heard Corey laugh that he wishes he could bottle it up and save it forever. Especially when that stabbing pain returns. “I’m sorry… for letting go.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What you said back there, or didn’t say really. I did let go. After mom died and we moved in with grandma and grandpa because dad just couldn’t function anymore- I wanted it out. I needed to leave behind all the grief and anger I had all the time. I thought college would do that for me; of course I didn’t stop to consider that I’d be leaving my little brother behind. I never wanted that, please know that.”

Corey is silent for a moment and Nathan’s heart is beating a mile a minute. “Brady is actually a pretty common name.”

“Ok, sure.” Nathan laughs.

“And besides, I can’t remember the last you had a girlfriend.”

“I’ve been focused on my studies.” Nathan says matter of factly.

“Yeah, sure.” Corey laughs and Nathan joins soon after. They spend the rest of the ride catching up. Corey shares how he met Brady and Nathan tells him about the professors that are driving him crazy. They continue talking and laughing that they don’t even realize that their father’s house is less than ten minutes away until the gps tells them.

Corey snorts. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking, what if we spent over fifteen hours driving to our dad’s house, just to find out someone else is living there?”

“Well, we’ll just explain the situation to them. I’m sure they would be understanding.”

“Understanding of two random black boys showing up on their porch to spread their dead daddy’s ashes? They will have dialed 911 before we can even get a chance to say hi. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to eat prison food.”

Nathan rolls his eyes. “I forgot how melodramatic you can be.”

Corey flips him the bird but he’s grinning. Nathan smiles and he wishes there was a camera that could capture the moment. His smile fades as he turns onto his father’s street and pulls up to what should be his old house. Instead it’s just an empty lot.

“What the hell?”  Nathan gets out of the car with Corey following close behind. “This doesn't make any sense. This is supposed to be dad’s house.” He starts pacing back and forth like a hungry lion at the zoo.

Corey watches him, not sure what to say or do. “Maybe we have the wrong address or the GPS could be busted.”

“But grandma and grandpa said this was their old neighborhood. I checked the route on several GPS systems, this has to be it.” He goes back to pacing, making footprints in the dirt.

Corey continues looking at him, trying to come up with a possible explanation himself. After a few moments, his eyes go wide. “Oh my God,” Nathan stops his pacing to look at him.  “There was a huge hurricane in Florida last year, it was all over the news. It must have...”

Nathan shakes his head like a defiant child. “No, no, that can’t be right.”

“Well, we could still spread him here, it’s technically still his old house.”

“No,” Nathan says sharply “That wasn’t dad’s final wish. His final wish was for us to come and spread his ashes at his old house, not some deserted landfill.” 

Corey bites his lip as Nathan starts pacing again. He eventually stops as if he’s been struck by something. He starts to laugh, “Fifteen hours, for nothing. Fifteen hours and my dad is still dead. And I-I can’t breathe. Oh God.” Before he can sink to his knees, Corey wraps his arms around him. He whispers something into his ear, but it doesn’t register as he sobs into his little brother’s shoulder.

The next morning, Nathan wakes up and the memories of last night come rushing to him. He groans at the fact that he let himself break down in front of his brother.  Also, because the bed was shit. The motel they found was worse than the one in Charleston. He hears the motel door open and sees Corey walk in. The artificial smile he’s wearing is identical to Nathan’s. 

“Hey man, how are you feeling?” 

“I’m fine, Corey. Last night was… I’m good now. I promise.” there was relief in Corey’s eyes but he still kept the smile. “And please stop smiling like that, it creeps me out.”

“Oh thank God.” Corey says rubbing his face. “My cheeks have never hurt that much.”

“Tell me about it. Where were you by the way?”

“Oh, I was just getting the car ready for the drive home. You know, I was thinking I could drive back.”

Nathan squints. “I’m okay to drive, Corey. Last night I cried like a baby, that doesn’t mean I can’t work a vehicle.”

“Get over yourself. I just want to drive, plus I need more practice being on the highway.” 

A half-hour later, they’re in the car and Nathan finally understands why Corey’s always staring out the window. You can just get lost in your thoughts watching the trees and cars pass. Soon, too soon, the car stops. Nathan snaps out of his stupor to see they’re in a parking lot. “What are you doing? Where are we?”

“We are about to do plan b.”

He’s confused for a moment and then he looks in the backseat. The booster seat is empty. “Where is dad’s urn?”

“Okay, you have to hear me out.” he gets his bag from the back and unzips it to reveal a couple of sandwich bags filled with grey dust. 

Nathan is about to ask if that’s what he thinks it is, but then he finally registers that there is faint music playing in the parking lot. He looks around and finally recognizes where they are. He feels like he’s having a fever dream. Corey gives him a sheepish smile. “It’s like you said, dad always told us we would spend a day together at Disney World. This is our chance.”

“We-we can’t do this.”

“Sure we can,” he starts taking some of the sandwich bags and stuffs them into his pockets. “I squeezed all the air out of the bags, so they could fit into our jean and jacket pockets. We just gotta be discrete and play it cool. No one will even notice.”

“And what if we get caught?”

Corey shrugs. “First of all we won’t. Second of all, what are they going to do? Is Mickey Mouse going to cuff me? Are they going to perp walk us past Cinderella’s castle?”

“Dude-”

“Look, I’ve been an ass for most of this trip and I know this is a weird way of saying sorry, but, please let me do it.”

Nathan stares at the bags filled with his father. He takes a deep breath before taking one of the bags and shoving into his pocket. “We’re officially the weirdest family ever.”

It was odd at first. He felt like he was smuggling contraband across the border. It didn’t get less weird, but it did get easier, especially on the rides. From Splash Mountain to the Haunted Mansion to It’s a Small World; they made sure their father’s remains were spread evenly across the park. Even after it was all done, they stuck around the park. They rode a few rides, watched the parade, and they even stuck around for the firework show at the end of the night. 

As they got into the car and pulled out of the parking lot, Nathan couldn’t hold in his laughter. “We are so going to hell.”

“I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I’m going to hell.” Corey says. He’s wearing a Mickey Mouse hat that Nathan bought and begged for him to wear. At first, he was annoyed about wearing it, but now it seems like he actually enjoys it. “I just think it’ll be like being in a sauna all the time.”

Nathan shakes his head as he gets on the highway. They talk about their favorite moments from the day and how they are never going to say a word about this to their grandparents. After a few minutes, Nathan feels something somber come over him. His father is still dead. He doesn’t even remember the last father’s day they spent together.  His father won’t see him graduate. He can’t even remember the last conversation he had with his father. As if he’s reading his mind, Corey puts his hand on his shoulder. 

“We’ll be okay.” When Nathan asked him how he knew, he shrugged. “There’s no other choice.”

About the Author

Jared Ellison is a senior English Major with a concentration in Creative Writing at Arcadia University. He has a passion for writing and loves to discuss a wide range of literature from Shakespeare to Toni Morrison to Angie Thomas. In his free time, you can find him reading a good book, watching something on Netflix, or pondering what is going on in his cat’s head.