How To Get ready

This guide is not comprehensive. 

The author is not responsible for any failed classes, ruined relationships, mechanical failures, or emotional distress caused by following the suggested steps for living provided here. 

Good luck.

I. Waking Up

It’s Monday. It’s always Monday. We both know you’re waking up with the exact same amount of energy no matter the day of the week. Best to treat it like the worst day of the week every time. Don’t want to set yourself up for disappointment.

You remembered to set your alarm, didn’t you? You better have. Lord knows you ain’t waking up before eleven without it. Your alarm goes off. Good.

You’re awake, congratulations. You woke up. Now get out of bed. Don’t grab your phone. Get out of bed. Don’t grab your phone.

Fuck you.

Stop scrolling. Scrolling is bad for you. Get up you screen-addicted baboon. Put the phone down. You’re not even sitting up yet. I’m embarrassed for you. Turn off the phone and put it back on the desk.

Thank you.

Now, get out of bed. Now. Sit up. Feet on the floor. Lean forward. Stand. Feels weird, doesn’t it? You should really stand more. 

What? I’m not judgmental. You’re judgmental. 

You’re up. 

I’m so proud.

Just kidding.

That was only step one.

II. Breakfast

Now that you’ve wasted my last shreds of patience getting out of bed, it’s time to get ready. It’s Monday, after all. You have calculus at eleven. Only an hour to get ready.

An hour?

Didn’t you wake up at nine?

It took you an hour to get out of bed?

Fuck, you’re late.

All right. 

It’s fine.

We’ll just go a little faster.

Go to the bathroom. Check your two plants. Succulent’s fine? Good. The other one isn’t? Quick give it some water and put it back on the windowsill. Now get breakfast ready.

Just a banana?

That’s it?

Whatever. No time to argue.

Get some water so you don’t pass out in the middle of class.

You didn’t refill the pitcher last night? Why not? Why wouldn’t you have filled it? Do you want to die of dehydration? God. We don’t have time for this. Hurry and fill it up.

Get your slides on. Go down the hall. Fill the pitcher. Make sure the water’s cold. Fridge won’t have time to cool it down for you. That’s what happens when you’re late. Are you talking back to me? Don’t do that. That’s rude.

You have enough. We don’t have time to wait for more. Hurry up. You’re late, remember?

Ok. We’re fine. You’re fine. Take a deep breath.

Eat the banana. Take a drink.

That’s really all you’re having?

I guess it’s fine.

Done? Good. Time to get going.

III. Leaving the House

Time to actually get ready. Got to make yourself at least somewhat presentable.  

Brush your teeth. You really need to replace the batteries in your toothbrush. But not right now. There’s no time. There’s never any time.

Get dressed. White hoodie and black sweatpants again? Not exactly fashionable. 

Sorry. You’re right. That one was a little mean. It’s a fine outfit. Now stop talking back.

Pack your things. Folders, notebooks, calculator, book. And your laptop. Don’t forget your laptop.

Look at that, you can move quickly.

I’m so proud.

Shoes on. Yes, the ones with laces. You’re not that late.

Wallet? Key? Phone? Earbuds?

Look at you go.

Make sure you have your laptop. I know you know you have it. But make sure. 

Great.

It’s time to go.

Coat on. Backpack on. Earbuds in. Good.

Close the door. Leave the suite—

Sunglasses.

Forgot those.

Go back, get them. Grab your hat, too. And that banana peel. How’d you forget all this stuff? Whatever. We’re fine. Throw out the banana peel. Put the sunglasses on and the hat in your pocket. We’ll see if you need it.

Want to wait for the elevator? Too bad. 

Take the stairs. I don’t care if the stairwell is a hundred degrees. You just got to go. A little exercise won’t kill you.

Hurry up.

Don’t run too fast though.

Don’t want you to fall.

You made it outside. Doesn’t fresh air feel good?

Now get to class. You’re actually on time. Somehow.

I’m so proud.

And I think I mean it this time.

Now walk faster.

About the Author

Ryan Everleth is a junior creative writing major and aspiring novelist. Though publishing a novel is his ultimate goal, he's taken up a habit of short story writing, coming up with twisted tales that are either deadly serious or utterly bizarre--there's no in-between.