Intersecting Identities

There once was a girl who thought everything was crashing down. She could no longer see the light. Frustrated and hopeless she wanted to end her own life. It was a terrible day in April of 2018, she sat in class unable to focus. Thoughts were shooting through her head like rapid fire. They were so loud. Bouncing off her skull, giving her a headache. They screamed at her: “Why are you doing this?” “Help me!” “I wanna die…” “Help me!!” “Help me!!!” “Help me!!!” Over and over again. After realizing she was losing this battle, she cried out to anyone who would listen. Her cries didn’t go unheard this time, her teachers brought her to safety and assessed the situation with care. She was sent away to receive help. Therapy and medication. Although she can still hear those thoughts lurking--can still feel her seams tearing-- she now has control of whether or not they will break her down again. Everyone was shocked besides her mother. Having gone through this for the second time, they crowded her with “We had no idea!” “I’m so sorry” and “Why didn’t you say anything!” Unaware and ignorant to the many battles she had to face. Albeit with hardship, she now walks the earth with a new light and a new fight for life. This girl is me.

“It’s a disorder, not a decision.” - Unknown. 

I didn’t ask to be born, let alone born with a disorder, but I don’t have much of a choice to live through it, do I? As an African American woman, I do not have a choice. Having mental health illnesses in the Black community is considered taboo. It is ignored and frowned upon. I have Major Depression Disorder with a side of severe anxiety and I wasn't diagnosed until it was too late. No one knew what was wrong--they assumed I was just seeking attention, or it was just a phase--or they did know and just refused to acknowledge it. Anyone with any type of disorder should never feel that they are alone in the world. This is my story of my intersecting identities, of being Black with Mental illness.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), "In the African American community, people often misunderstand what a mental health condition is and therefore the subject is uncommon. This lack of understanding leads many to believe that a mental health condition is a personal weakness or a form of punishment." This explains all of the feelings of hardship and anger within my mother. She believed that she did something wrong, that she failed as a mother. She was hurt that she couldn't understand. My grandmother was a different story, refusing the possibility of a disorder rather than me just "acting a fool." She resented that "side of me" and didn't like it when I "acted" crazy. I didn't know what to believe. Was it all just an act? Are these feelings true? Was I conjuring up these feelings of sadness, dread, paranoia, and fear on my own behalf? I started to hate myself. Why are you feeling this way! Stop thinking like that! With no knowledge of what was bound to come in the effect of doing such a thing, I started to self-harm.

The stigma that mental illness in Black people is a curse and it should be shamed is ridiculously common. "African Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population" and "Every 40 seconds someone dies from suicide." There have been several times where I could've been one of those affected by suicide. How many more statistics do we need to understand that Mental Health is real? It is real in Black people. It is real in me. We didn't ask for it, but it's present and it does kill. I was fortunate enough to have a school where they understood that mental health doesn't discriminate. They could tell I was in danger of myself and they helped me to get the support that I needed.  

What if they couldn't help me? What about all of the other people of color not receiving help? What can we do about them? The answer is simple. Talk about it.  Spread the word. Having a mental illness isn't anything to be ashamed of. It's never your fault. To people of color, it's not a sign of weakness. Mental Health doesn't have to make or break who you are. It will cause problems and affect your everyday life, but you must never succumb to it. Stay strong and move on. Don’t let it become all that you are. Don’t let it become your identity.

If you or someone else are struggling with depression, having suicidal thoughts. or self-harm, please contact this number: 1-800-273-8255.  You are never alone. Trust me.

About the Author

Amirah Knox is a First-Year student at Arcadia University, majoring in Criminal Justice. Informing others about mental health is a personal goal of hers. She loves writing and art as they are the key to expression when speaking goes unheard.