Today, I’m feeling lonely- Which has become my “new normal.” That phrase (newnormal) has never been more fitting. Masked people in grocery stores sigh when theysay it to acquaintances, from 6 feet apart. They joke in an attempt to take the edge off ofthe current situation, but the harshness is still sitting right there under the surface. Weare together in this, yard signs everywhere say it. Unification is important, and I knowit- but I just can’t shake the loneliness from the pit of my stomach.My clothes have begun to wear me, and every morning is an even greater struggleto leave my bed. Though my body is not tired, I have never felt more exhausted. If myonly purpose is to get dressed, brush my teeth, wash my face, eat, get dressed, brush myteeth, wash my face, eat: I’m not living, I’m surviving. What am I doing?I’m feeling lonely, and in an attempt to fix it, I throw empty messages into thevoid, clinging to the idea that maybe someone will respond. But, even if they do, I don’tknow what to say.......I am so lonely that I’ve tried to fix what ain’t broke. I’ve obsessed over thevacuum and Clorox wipes, cleaning what is already clean. Fussing with my hair,chopping and coloring and regretting and chopping and coloring and regretting, most ofthe time.
I try to look forward to each new day, but panic can strike when you least expectit to, only amplified by the loneliness. Like a parasite, it’s moved in. Clawing at my skinwon’t get it out; it’s already spread.
I feel like the child who couldn’t sleep without being tucked in. Sometimes I’d beroughly awoken from nightmares about the world disappearing. The feeling I’d get- thecold sweat on my PJs, and the sadness in my heart would stay for a few seconds, beforeI’d remember where I was. That is what it feels like, being here, now. Every mention ofthis “new normal” fills me with dread.
I don’t want this to be my new forever, because I can’t take this loneliness.