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MINDFUL COMMUNICATION
MINDFUL COMMUNICATION
Mindful communication involves applying principles of mindfulness to the way we communicate with others. These principles include setting an intention, being fully present, remaining open and non-judgmental, and relating to others with compassion. In essence, mindful communication is about bringing a greater level of awareness to the two major components of communication: speaking and listening.
Mindful communication is a skill. Like any skill it takes time to learn and refine our practice. When might you want to use these skills? Honestly, these skills are helpful anytime you're having a conversation with another person. However, they are key tools in your interpersonal toolbox when navigating more dynamic and challenging conversations; such as when you're worried about a friend, exploring political views, and cultural differences.
The first step of mindful communication is operationalizing empathy. We all experience it. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. For example, your friend got a pair of really expensive, white sneakers for his/her/they birthday. While wearing them for the first time at school he/she/their drops an expo marker on them and it leaves a big red mark. Your friend becomes visibly upset that his/her/they white sneakers are now ruined. You might be thinking, "What's the big deal? It's the first of many marks those sneakers are going to get." Yet, you can relate to this experience because you've had the shared experience of having something of high value to you get damaged. You can relate to the shared feeling of angst and disappointment. Thus, your empathetic response would be " ugh, that's a bummer! How can we fix this?
Empathy is also one of the Formative Five Skills , identified by Thomas Hoerr, that today's students need to live and work in our global community. Empathy is a skill. And like any skill, we get better at it with practice. How do we practice? We dive in, with both feet. It's okay if it's not perfect - perfection is the big bamboozle ... it doesn't exist! When we receive empathy, we feel heard, cared about, and understood. In some circumstances, an empathic response can help others to feel accepted without having to change who they are in order to fit in.
The benefit of operationalizing or "doing" empathy is that it has bidirectional benefit. When we offer empathy to another person, it enhances our relationships. We all exist in relationship to one another - it's less stressful and to have healthy interactions. Doing empathy, creates a more compassionate world- one interaction at a time.
EMPATHY
EMPATHY
Brene' Brown does such a great job of outlining the four qualities of empathy in this video. I know we watched this in class, but let's watch it again.
In this video, Brene' Brown references nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman's four attributes of empathy:
To be able to see the world as others see it—This requires putting your own "stuff" aside to see the situation through another person's eyes.
To be nonjudgmental—Judgement of another person's situation discounts the experience and is an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of the situation.
To understand another person’s feelings—We have to be in touch with our own feelings in order to understand someone else's. Again, this requires putting your own "stuff" aside to focus on the other person.
To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings—Rather than saying, "At least you..." or "It could be worse..." try, "I've been there, and that really hurts," or (to quote an example from Brown), "It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”
TAKE AWAY MESSAGE
We all experience empathy when we observe another person struggling. Compassion is when we take action in an attempt to alleviate that struggle.
COMPASSION
COMPASSION
Most people are capable of feeling empathy. Even sociopaths have a limited, albeit weak, ability to feel empathy. When we feel empathy for another person, we often feel a deep need to help alleviate their pain and discomfort. When we show kindness, caring, and a willingness to help others, we are demonstrating compassion. Compassion is a skill that can be learned and cultivated.
So, how do we cultivate compassion?
We use our OARS!
We use our OARS!
OARS
OARS
OARS of Motivational Interviewing are one tool that we can use to practice compassion. Let's review.
The Compassion Chart above shows us how to "do" each of the qualities of empathy. For example: To take the perspective of another person, we ask open-ended questions. and to stay out of judgement we affirm and validate shared beliefs, strengths, etc..
This is how we show up and engage in meaningful conversations that matter.
OARS Review
OARS Review
O- OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS
O- OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS
Establish a safe environment and a respectful A=B partnership. Explore, clarify and gain an understanding of the other person's experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and hopes for the future.
You may ask:
✓ What… do you need to feel productive today?
✓ When… do you feel overwhelmed by all of this online work?
✓ Where… will you get the support you need?
✓ Who… have you reached out to for support?
✓ How… will you schedule your day
✓Share with me how.... and tell me more.
A - Affirming
A - Affirming
Demonstrate empathy and affirm strengths, abilities, and hope.
You may ask:
✓ It’s great that you are staying on top of your work. It’s not always easy…
✓ It sounds like you’ve been really thoughtful about managing your time.
✓ You’re really trying hard to…
✓ It seems like you are really good at…
Reflective Listening
Reflective Listening
Listen to your friend or family member to help you gain a deeper understanding of what's going on for them.
Listen, observe, and share (reflect on) your own perceptions of what they share.
Reflect on the words that they use — You say you really don’t want to be anxious right now.
You can reflect words, emotions, and/or behaviors:
✓ (Reflecting words) Some of what I heard you say…
✓ (Reflecting emotions) You seem [to be feeling]… sad, frustrated, excited, angry , anxious
✓ (Reflecting behavior) I noticed… tears in your eyes… your voice sounds shaky… you smiled when you said that…
S - Summarizing
S - Summarizing
Check that you are understanding of what you hear. Show them you are present and and listening. This helps them to feel valued and supported.
Summarizing can be demonstrated in three ways:
✓ A collective summary — So let’s make sure I understand (and the summarize what you've heard).
✓ A linking summary — A minute ago you said you wanted to talk to your mom… Would you like to talk about how you might try?
✓ A transitional summary to close — So you’ve just described your plan for getting your online work done. I'm here to help . What other help do you need today?
TAKE AWAY MESSAGE
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen Covey
The OARS help us to listen with the intent to understand the words and emotions of another person. When we communicate in this way, the person feels heard, and valued.
We can use OARS in many situations:
(1) help a friend that is struggling with tough emotions, school, relationships, and many other life circumstances.
(2) learn about opposing political views, cultural differences, religions, and much more.
The graphic below shows in greater detail, how we outlined an approach to empathy and compassion. And here's a link to the summary sheet of the coursework and video tour of this graphic.
The Compassion Chart shows us how to "do" each of the qualities of empathy. For example: To take the perspective of another person, we ask open-ended questions... To stay out of judgement we affirm and validate shared beliefs, and strengths.
I-STATEMENTS
I-STATEMENTS
Seeking permission, Body Language, Tone of Voice, and I-statements
Seeking permission, Body Language, Tone of Voice, and I-statements
Many of you find yourselves at home spending extended time with your families. This may be a generally positive experience, and yet, I bet many of you may find times when you are actively avoiding the very same people you are confined to the same house with. So let's review how to share your own feelings, needs and wants with the people with whom you live.
Seek Permission
Seek Permission
When sharing info with another person. Rather than demanding they here you, ASK:
"Would it be okay if I shared how this make me feel.... my idea... my wished... what I need right now?
This creates engagement. And when they say "yes", they are listening!
Body Language and Tone of Voice
Body Language and Tone of Voice
You know this already! Relax the muscles. Keep arms relaxed. Try not to cross your arms in front of you. Relax the muscles. Make gentle eye contact. Lean in. Sit down rather than standing. Get personal.
I-Statement - Wording matters!
I-Statement - Wording matters!
Disagreements about going outside, schedules, and schoolwork may now be daily challenges. That's why choosing the right words during times of uncertainty and change are so important. When you change your words, you change your life, and nowhere is this more important than now.
“You-statements,” are phrases that begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is responsible for something. They show no ownership of emotions, but rather blame, accuse and assume the receiver. This type of statement is more likely to make other person feel defensive and resentful, and he or she will be less likely to want to make peace.
By pointing out what they've done wrong or how they've made you feel upset, sad or angry, you're either trying to make them feel as bad as you feel or you're trying to make them change. Neither is a part of creating a healthy relationship.
An “I-statement,” on the other hand, forces us to take responsibility for what we are thinking and feeling and prevents us from blaming our partners. When using “I-statements,” we can still be assertive, but find a less hostile, more compassionate way to communicate.
How to turn an You-Statement into an I-Statement
How to turn an You-Statement into an I-Statement
First, remember that the point of an “I-statement” is to express how you feel inside. Because of this, you can think of an “I-statement” as an “I-feel statement.” A true “I-statement” uses specific emotions such as “I feel…” joyful, anxious, lonely, resentful, angry, calm, embarrassed, fearful, etc.
Avoid words that may seem like emotions, but really imply the action of the other person: “I feel…ignored, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, etc.”
It is also a common misperception that you can tack on the words “I feel” in front of a you-statement. For example, “I feel like you are taking me for granted.” That is just a “you-statement” in disguise. It implies blame and there is no actual emotion being expressed.
Check these out:
I feel____________, when you__________(describe a behavior), would you please_________________(state the desired behavior or outcome).
I'm feeling when you nag at me for not getting my work done. Could we please make a list and negotiate how much gets done and when?
You can change it up to meet the needs of your conversation. For example:
I'm feeling ____________________, because__________________________. Can you help me to understand why?
I'm feeling angry because you won't let me go play basketball with my friends. I see other kids playing. Can you help me to understand why I can't go too?
TAKE AWAY MESSAGE
When communicating, be as gentle as possible and realize that the tone of your voice and body language matter as much – if not more – than the words you use. Practice identifying the emotion(s) you are feeling and where it stems from. Then form an I-statement.
Be gentle with yourself and others.
What makes mindful communication challenging? To give and receive empathy and compassion requires top-down regulation. Recall our previous lessons about neuroscience. If someone is in a stress response their biochemistry and brain networks are operating with a primitive survival program. This fight, flight, or freeze program can make it hard for people to bring their best version of self to your interaction with them. When this happens, even the most emotionally intelligent and compassionate people can "flip their lids. When this happens it's best to transition to helping the person use their tools self regulation - box breathing, bilateral body movement, walk the dog, create art, journal. In times like these, it's best to take a break and revisit the conversation later. The key is a willingness to show up and try again - and again. This is a lifelong practice.
There are other times when it's best not to engage in mindful communication. These times are when the other person is engaging in behaviors represented on the pyramid of violence. These behaviors are based in a core belief that its okay to abuse power and control over another person. These behaviors are often illegal. Thus, its best to loop in helping people such as your guidance counselor, social worker, school resource officer, and even public safety personnel by calling 9-1-1.
Pyramid of Violence
Pyramid of Violence
The pyramid of violence shows us varying levels of violence. Behaviors escalate and become more violent as you move to the top of the pyramid.
The bottom tier contains behaviors that may range from micro-aggression to outright bias. There may be an opportunity to use the OARS to determine if the person simply needs some education to know that what they are saying and doing is not okay. In this case, the person would acknowledge their error, make an appropriate repair, and change their behavior. We call this "know better, do better."
However, if the person is demonstrating explicit bias, engaging in illegal behavior, or has no intent to change their behavior it is unlikely that your use of mindful communication skills will shift their strongly held attitudes and beliefs.
Read this handout on the Pyramid of Violence to learn how behaviors often escalate and why early intervention can stop problematic behavior from escalating.
REFERENCES
Brach, Tara. (2003). "Radical Acceptance". Bantam Book, NY. https://www.abebooks.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Life-Heart-Buddha/30607971024/bd?cm_mmc=ggl-_-US_Shopp_Trade-_-used-_-naa&gclid=CjwKCAjw7LX0BRBiEiwA__gNw8Gtr44ZpAUU9E83f8T8TIxF89OlD12xgvUSbeqSlawj7FC4eNkJ9BoCavgQAvD_BwE
Brown, Brene'. (2015). "Rising Strong". First edition. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House .https://www.amazon.com/Rising-Strong-Ability-Transforms-Parent/dp/081298580X
Rollnick, S., Kaplan, S, Rutschman (2016). "Motivational Interviewing in Schools". Guilford Press, NY. https://www.amazon.com/Motivational-Interviewing-Schools-Conversations-Applications/dp/1462527272
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