Empathy & Compassion

SELF COMPASSION

How do I show compassion to myself ?

MINDFUL COMMUNICATION

EMPATHY

COMPASSION

OARS

I-STATEMENTS

SELF COMPASSION

Be gentle with You.

When you admit to yourself that sometimes in life, “Things feel awful, and something needs to change”, you mustn't criticize yourself and tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling these tough emotions. It's also important to ignore the seemingly happy, perfect family photos on social media. Remember, that's a bamboozle! There is no such thing as perfect. If we were all being honest, it is likely that home life, at times, is a bit of a mess! So, be gentle with yourself. Buying into the bamboozle will only amplify your discomfort. Rather, treat yourself with compassion. Be gentle with yourself. How? Use your tools! Exercise, get fresh air, journal, listen to happy music, dance, create something new, practice mindfulness, meditate, and get socially connected!

Recognize your strengths. You have them! Recall challenges that you’ve overcome in the past and use that as intel to help you navigate your current challenge. Affirm your capacity to solve problems. You’re always so much stronger than you admit to yourself! You can do this!

REFLECTION

It's a perfect time to try something new....no one (literally, lol) is watching you or going to judge you.

Give it a try!

Ask yourself: “How am I feeling today?
What would improve my mood in this moment?”....
THEN DO IT!

How do I show compassion to myself ?

You can demonstrate self-compassion with the mindfulness practice RAIN.

The graphic below shows in greater detail, how we outlined an approach to empathy and compassion. And here's a link to the summary sheet of the coursework and video tour of the graphic provided in class.

The Compassion Chart shows us how to "do" each of the qualities of empathy. For example: To take the perspective of another person, we ask open-ended questions... To stay out of judgment we affirm and validate shared beliefs, and strengths.

RAIN: A Practice of Self Compassion

R—Recognize What’s Going On

Recognizing means consciously acknowledging, in any given moment, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are affecting you. This can be a done with a simple mental whisper, noting what you are most aware of.

A—Allow the Experience to be There, Just as It Is

Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations you have recognized simply be there, without trying to fix or avoid anything.

You might recognize fear, and allow by mentally whispering “it’s ok” or “this belongs” or “yes.”

Allowing creates a pause that makes it possible to deepen attention.

I—Investigate with Interest and Care

To investigate, call on your natural curiosity—the desire to know truth—and direct a more focused attention to your present experience.

You might ask yourself: What most wants attention? How am I experiencing this in my body? What am I believing? What does this vulnerable place want from me? What does it most need?

Whatever the inquiry, your investigation will be most transformational if you step away from conceptualizing and bring your primary attention to the felt-sense in the body.

N—Nurture with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion begins to naturally arise in the moments that you recognize you are suffering. It comes into fullness as you intentionally nurture your inner life with self-care.

To do this, try to sense what the wounded, frightened or hurting place inside you most needs, and then offer some gesture of active care that might address this need. Does it need a message of reassurance? Of forgiveness? Of companionship? Of love?

Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. It might be the mental whisper, I’m here with you. I’m sorry, and I love you. I love you, and I’m listening. It’s not your fault. Trust in your goodness.

In addition to a whispered message of care, many people find healing by gently placing a hand on the heart or cheek; or by envisioning being bathed in or embraced by warm, radiant light. If it feels difficult to offer yourself love, bring to mind a loving being—spiritual figure, family member, friend or pet—and imagine that being’s love and wisdom flowing into you.

After the RAIN

When you’ve completed the active steps of RAIN, it’s important to notice the quality of your own presence and rest in that wakeful, tender space of awareness.

by Tara Brach, Ph.D.

A self-compassion practice by Tara Brach. The acronym RAIN is a tool for practicing mindfulness and self compassion. Go ahead and practice RAIN with this guided meditation.

Download this graphic "Using mindfulness to cope with difficult emotions. Post it in your home where you will see it often. It's helpful to have visual reminders when emotions are overwhelming!

Learning Targets: (1) Practice the OARS of Communication; (2) Practice mindfulness (RAIN) to cope with difficult emotions; (3) Demonstrate compassion for another person.

NHES: self-management, communication, advocacy

It may be helpful to review the speaker and listener roles of mindful communication as we are now confined to our homes with our loved ones. Remember, to be gentle and to extend compassion to yourself and others. Everyone is doing their best, even if it looks messy,

MINDFUL COMMUNICATION

A Review of Previously Covered Material

Mindful communication involves applying principles of mindfulness to the way we correspond with others. These principles include setting an intention, being fully present, remaining open and non-judgmental, and relating to others with compassion. In essence, mindful communication is about bringing a greater level of awareness to the two major components of communication: Speaking and listening.

In previous classes, we explored empathy. Empathy is one of the Formative Five Skills , identified by Thomas Hoerr, that today's students need to live and work in our global community. Empathy is a skill. And like any skill, we get better at it with practice. How do we practice? We dive in, with both feet. It's okay if it's not perfect - perfection is the big bamboozle ... it doesn't exist! When we receive empathy, we feel heard, cared about, and understood, we also feel loved, accepted, and as if we belong. We experience how good it feels, and we what to offer that to others. What makes empathy hard? Our brains are wired to run from pain—including emotional pain—whether it is ours or someone else's. The key is a willingness to show up and engage in a conversation.

EMPATHY

Brene' Brown does such a great job of outlining the four qualities of empathy in this video. I know we watched this in class, but let's watch it again.

In this video, Brene' Brown references nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman's four attributes of empathy:

To be able to see the world as others see it—This requires putting your own "stuff" aside to see the situation through another person's eyes.
To be nonjudgmental—Judgement of another person's situation discounts the experience and is an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of the situation.
To understand another person’s feelings—We have to be in touch with our own feelings in order to understand someone else's. Again, this requires putting your own "stuff" aside to focus on the other person.
To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings—Rather than saying, "At least you..." or "It could be worse..." try, "I've been there, and that really hurts," or (to quote an example from Brown), "It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”

TAKE AWAY MESSAGE

We all experience empathy when we observe another person struggling. Compassion is when we take action in an attempt to alleviate that struggle.

COMPASSION

Most people are capable of feeling empathy. Even sociopaths have a limited, albeit weak, ability to feel empathy. When we feel empathy for another person, we often feel a deep need to help alleviate their pain and discomfort. When we show kindness, caring, and a willingness to help others, we are demonstrating compassion. Compassion is a skill that can be learned and cultivated.

So, how do we cultivate compassion?

We use our OARS!

OARS

OARS of Motivational Interviewing are one tool that we can use to practice compassion. Let's review.

The Compassion Chart above shows us how to "do" each of the qualities of empathy. For example: To take the perspective of another person, we ask open-ended questions. and to stay out of judgement we affirm and validate shared beliefs, strengths, etc..

This is how we show up and engage in meaningful conversations that matter.

OARS Review

O- OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS

Establish a safe environment and a respectful A=B partnership. Explore, clarify and gain an understanding of the other person's experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and hopes for the future.

You may ask:

✓ What… do you need to feel productive today?

✓ When… do you feel overwhelmed by all of this online work?

✓ Where… will you get the support you need?

✓ Who… have you reached out to for support?

✓ How… will you schedule your day

✓Share with me how.... and tell me more.

A - Affirming

Demonstrate empathy and affirm strengths, abilities, and hope.

You may ask:

✓ It’s great that you are staying on top of your work. It’s not always easy…

✓ It sounds like you’ve been really thoughtful about managing your time.

✓ You’re really trying hard to…

✓ It seems like you are really good at…

Reflective Listening

Listen to your friend or family member to help you gain a deeper understanding of what's going on for them.

Listen, observe, and share (reflect on) your own perceptions of what they share.

Reflect on the words that they use — You say you really don’t want to be anxious right now.

You can reflect words, emotions, and/or behaviors:

✓ (Reflecting words) Some of what I heard you say…

✓ (Reflecting emotions) You seem [to be feeling]… sad, frustrated, excited, angry , anxious

✓ (Reflecting behavior) I noticed… tears in your eyes… your voice sounds shaky… you smiled when you said that…

S - Summarizing

Check that you are understanding of what you hear. Show them you are present and and listening. This helps them to feel valued and supported.

Summarizing can be demonstrated in three ways:

✓ A collective summary — So let’s make sure I understand (and the summarize what you've heard).

✓ A linking summary — A minute ago you said you wanted to talk to your mom… Would you like to talk about how you might try?

✓ A transitional summary to close — So you’ve just described your plan for getting your online work done. I'm here to help . What other help do you need today?

TAKE AWAY MESSAGE

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen Covey

The OARS help us to listen with the intent to understand the words and emotions of another person. When we communicate in this way, the person feels heard, and valued.

I-STATEMENTS

Seeking permission, Body Language, Tone of Voice, and I-statements

Many of you find yourselves at home spending extended time with your families. This may be a generally positive experience, and yet, I bet many of you may find times when you are actively avoiding the very same people you are confined to the same house with. So let's review how to share your own feelings, needs and wants with the people with whom you live.

Seek Permission

When sharing info with another person. Rather than demanding they here you, ASK:

"Would it be okay if I shared how this make me feel.... my idea... my wished... what I need right now?

This creates engagement. And when they say "yes", they are listening!

Body Language and Tone of Voice

You know this already! Relax the muscles. Keep arms relaxed. Try not to cross your arms in front of you. Relax the muscles. Make gentle eye contact. Lean in. Sit down rather than standing. Get personal.

I-Statement - Wording matters!

Disagreements about going outside, schedules, and schoolwork may now be daily challenges. That's why choosing the right words during times of uncertainty and change are so important. When you change your words, you change your life, and nowhere is this more important than now.

“You-statements,” are phrases that begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is responsible for something. They show no ownership of emotions, but rather blame, accuse and assume the receiver. This type of statement is more likely to make other person feel defensive and resentful, and he or she will be less likely to want to make peace.

By pointing out what they've done wrong or how they've made you feel upset, sad or angry, you're either trying to make them feel as bad as you feel or you're trying to make them change. Neither is a part of creating a healthy relationship.

An “I-statement,” on the other hand, forces us to take responsibility for what we are thinking and feeling and prevents us from blaming our partners. When using “I-statements,” we can still be assertive, but find a less hostile, more compassionate way to communicate.

How to turn an You-Statement into an I-Statement

First, remember that the point of an “I-statement” is to express how you feel inside. Because of this, you can think of an “I-statement” as an “I-feel statement.” A true “I-statement” uses specific emotions such as “I feel…” joyful, anxious, lonely, resentful, angry, calm, embarrassed, fearful, etc.

Avoid words that may seem like emotions, but really imply the action of the other person: “I feel…ignored, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, etc.”

It is also a common misperception that you can tack on the words “I feel” in front of a you-statement. For example, “I feel like you are taking me for granted.” That is just a “you-statement” in disguise. It implies blame and there is no actual emotion being expressed.

Check these out:

I feel____________, when you__________(describe a behavior), would you please_________________(state the desired behavior or outcome).

I'm feeling when you nag at me for not getting my work done. Could we please make a list and negotiate how much gets done and when?

You can change it up to meet the needs of your conversation. For example:

I'm feeling ____________________, because__________________________. Can you help me to understand why?

I'm feeling angry because you won't let me go play basketball with my friends. I see other kids playing. Can you help me to understand why I can't go too?

TAKE AWAY MESSAGE

When communicating, be as gentle as possible and realize that the tone of your voice and body language matter as much – if not more – than the words you use. Practice identifying the emotion(s) you are feeling and where it stems from. Then form an I-statement.

Be gentle with yourself and others.

REFERENCES

Brach, Tara. (2003). "Radical Acceptance". Bantam Book, NY. https://www.abebooks.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Life-Heart-Buddha/30607971024/bd?cm_mmc=ggl-_-US_Shopp_Trade-_-used-_-naa&gclid=CjwKCAjw7LX0BRBiEiwA__gNw8Gtr44ZpAUU9E83f8T8TIxF89OlD12xgvUSbeqSlawj7FC4eNkJ9BoCavgQAvD_BwE

Brown, Brene'. (2015). "Rising Strong". First edition. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House .https://www.amazon.com/Rising-Strong-Ability-Transforms-Parent/dp/081298580X

Rollnick, S., Kaplan, S, Rutschman (2016). "Motivational Interviewing in Schools". Guilford Press, NY. https://www.amazon.com/Motivational-Interviewing-Schools-Conversations-Applications/dp/1462527272

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