Therapy

I used to think of therapy as seeking a professional therapist who can help you talk through your "day to day" and help guide you in areas you feel you need improvement or change. Now in my late 30's I see therapy includes so much more, and you can find therapy in so many places. I am not in any way, shape, or form implying on Professional Therapists are not needed. In fact, as you read on you'll see I find therapy in a combination and collaboration of things and people. For a variety of purposes. Our "day to day" tend to change often; and therefore we learn that our need for therapy and the form in which we find it in, will change too.

My Final Thought on Therapy: It's Universal and contingent on you.

Identify and Accept

I found identifying the source or areas that were causing me to feel tired, in pain, stressed, unhappy, or confused; was going to help me find therapeutic methods for me to minimize losing sleep or unable to do things. Rather than listing everything I felt contributed to these things here, I'll share my method. I started to reflect at the end of each day and take notice to what contributed to how I was feeling at the end of the day. It may sound ridiculous but it truly helps and only takes a few minutes. When I find these things I accept how it made me feel. How those actions, word, decisions, etc influenced my next step, my next decision, or my next thought.

I should caution you that during reflection it can get emotional. You can become angry, sad, happy, or even confused. I used to put up 'Defense Mode' after reflection. Feeling like I needed to shield myself so that I wouldn't feel those emotions. I've learned to accept the emotions and try to understand why I respond in that way. Why it triggered different behaviors in my brain, heart, or body.

Julee Gould, Oasis, 2018 (Reflection)

The Silent Killer

Unfortunately at the end of some days it boiled down to stress. Stress for me, is a silent killer. I may be one of the people you describe as "Wearing her heart on her sleeves." I don't go around falling in love with every guy I see or interact with; but I do try to live with openness and love for everyone, until you've given me a reason not to love you. But even then I find it hard. I used to take everything seriously, personal, and hold on to it allowing it to kill me inside, but I realized how much energy it takes out of me, and how much space it takes up in my mind. Only to realize the other person or thing didn't even spend another second or thought on what I was dying over.

Julee Gould, "Take a moment to rest your head"

Photo Credit (Top & Bottom): Gina Marie, 2013,Wat Buddhanousorn, Fremont, California

Solution

"Chai Yen Yen" (Pronounced Jai-yen-yen).

Thai phrase translates to "Calm Your Heart."

My husband and I were married at the Thai Buddhist Temple, Wat Buddhanousorn located in Fremont, California. It is a beautiful temple that I hope you get to visit one day. For a few months prior to our marriage, Curtis and I visited the Wat to get acquainted with the Buddhist Monks and the community that visited the temple regularly. The last words the Buddhist monk said after he wed us as we walked off was, "Chai Yen Yen." It means to calm you heart or cool your heart. The word "Chai" translates to heart and "Yen Yen" translates to Cool or cold in temperature.

We honestly live by these words. No matter the situation, it can be a moment of the urge of "road rage" speak or think of the phrase "Chai Yen Yen" and you start to exhale. Calming your heart and your mind. It has taught me to not be so quick to react. It gives me a moment (even if that moment is just a second) to collect my emotions and thoughts. During these times it truly helps me to process everything and help me to remain calm.

Failure is Not an Option

Before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy in 2005, I have had the ethic to work hard and you'll earn what you worked for. My family didn't grow up with much money. Where there were jobs, we moved. Getting out of poverty was my goal and I didn't want to have my family continue to struggle. My Uncle, Grandma, and parents taught me to commit to working hard because nobody else will commit to it for you.

After being diagnosed with Epilepsy, I was afraid to tell anyone. Afraid to lose my job, my license, and at the time, my daughter. So I kept it a secret. Hid it from the world behind a smile and the drive to succeed. I worked with 125% effort on my worst days to demonstrate I was "normal", and I wasn't "sick". You know the phrase "We created a monster." I think that's what I did. I knew nothing else but to keep fighting and not give up. Not let the world see that JULEE can fail.

It took a huge toll on me. By the end of the workday I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. My face would swell, I assumed because of the pain and pressure I felt in my head. I wasn't able to eat or sleep, but I continued to push through and walk around with a smile on my face. I would end up having a Tonic Seizure and be admitted to the hospital, and then would be out from work for several weeks recovering and rehabilitating. Sometimes, learning how to walk again. It was hard going through the episodes and the recovery process alone. I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong or right. All I knew is I was doing it, and I was making it work; well or not, things were getting done.

Photo Credit: Curtis Gould Jr.Julee Gould (8+ seizures), Mercy Medical, Elk Grove

Julee Gould and Cozy Wengeler "Ninja Sisters", 2014

Solution:

Balance
Support

I've learned we need to really balance work and life. I have tried so many times to do it all because we feel it's easier if we just get it done ourselves. For me it has proven all to be true that not balancing can truly devastate your health. I've had near death experiences. I've lost friends and family. What's it really going to take?

It is hard for me to not do my job. I hear if often, "It's just a job." For many it is not just the money maker, it is our accomplishments, our successes, our "day to day" that gives us an opportunity to exercise some of our purpose in this world.

We can still accomplish this with balance. I am still learning how to adjust my life to have better balance but I am getting better at identifying the critical areas in my life that need attention and other areas that I can use a little break from.

Doing this alone isn't realistic, or should it be. Animals are strongest in packs, humans are stronger together. We all individually carry our own uniqueness, and when we come together we help balance each other. I need friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family, and even strangers to help me get through tough times, to help me understand complex situations, and to help me embrace moments I shouldn't miss or take for granted. It reminds us we are not alone, nor should we want to be or need to be.

Be open to your friends, they will listen. Be honest with your loved ones, they will understand and those who can will accept. Be open to others helping you. You shouldn't do it alone. It doesn't mean you've failed.

Julz and Lei, San Ramon

Xmas After Party, Crown Billiards, San RamonPhoto Credit: Shawna (Chico, Jo, Julz, Curtis)

Sharon's Wedding, Reno, Grand Sierra Resort(Julz, Sharon, Jo)

Xmas After Party, Crown Billiards, San Ramon(Thea, Shawna, Julz)

Hilton Happy Hour, Pleasanton(E, Curtis, Julz)

Team Building, IT Dept, Danville Club House, 2016(Alesia, Julz, Jo)

Post Conference Cheers, Fountain Bleau, Miami, Florida(Bama, Cozy)

Team Building, IT Dept, Danville Club House, 2016(Julz, Dennis, Jo, Alvin, Terry)

Jeff Gustafson, 2018, Raider Nation

Strength Training

You hear me say it all the time. "Strength Training." As often as you hear me say it you'd think I'd be a body building champion by now. In reality, I am doing more than training my muscles. I am training my mind with commitment & determination. I am training my endurance & tolerance for pain. I am training and building my ambition to keep fighting.

There are times when I am hit hard, I fall hard; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am left with the inability to walk without assistance, mentally unstable, and an emotional wreck, exploring the statement of "Things would be easier if I _____." It is a dark place and if going at it alone, can be a place I stay in because I can't seem to find a way out.

I use strength training as a therapy. When I am too weak to weight train, I would take walks and listen to music. Walking and talking with a friend is helpful too. I focus on my breath, my steps, how light or heavy my feet land. I focus on my breathing; practicing to breathe patiently, consistently, and calmly. Then I focus on the song. I live in the music, and I lather in the instruments. I let the voice pierce my ears and my soul, and I let the rhythm flow through my veins. At this moment I know no pain, I know no weakness; I only know that I am strong enough to get myself to this state of mind, in this meditation. Then I am strong enough to get pass this temporary challenge. It helps to coach myself. Give it a try!

There is no limit to the things we can do to help us strength train. My world consist of weight training, walking, running, flying on the roller blades, R/C Crawling, and dancing. I probably missed some but these I do often. One thing I am still learning and getting better at is consistency and committing to the practice. When I feel like I'm strong enough, I tend to fall off my practice and end back up in Day 1 Recovery & Rehabilitating. Stick to it! Having a partner to support is helpful too, but you can get support through friends, colleagues, the reps at the gym, strangers, etc. Which ever way you can to help you stick to it will help ensure you stay strong!

When did it become wrong to rest?

Some days I don't have the strength to suck the fluid from a straw. On other days I'm too weak or lethargic to hold my own cup. Some people can't understand or even imagine this being true for me, but it is. Even at these times, I feel bad for not being at work, for not being there to help my friends and colleagues, for not performing to my best ability for our team. I start to race through the maze of guilt in my head, not able to understand why I have to fall so hard when others are taking on the same workload as I am. In reality, I realize I was taking more than the workload I should have as an individual. I continued to strive for "THE BEST" and filtered through work like a steady robot with no limits, but didn't give myself an opportunity to rest. Even at the end of the day we sometimes get an email from IT to make sure we shut down or log off of our computers. Our technology needs rest too. It needs a moment to reboot, and refresh. Wouldn't it be nice for us to go to sleep for a night and upgrade to a new version the next morning?

We prepare each day to ensure the quality and integrity of our applications, work, and the products we produce; but we rarely plan to ensure the quality and integrity of our body, mind, and soul. We have policy and procedures to implement upgrades to ensure stability and health, yet we don't have a clear policy to stabilize and keep ourselves healthy or even sane.

Rest needs to come back as a "trend". I'd like to hear us argue about who got more sleep last night versus who got the least rest. I have been guilty of running to my husband and telling him I succeeded in a 20 minute nap before my meeting. I was ecstatic to brag about such ridiculous news; but the 20 minute nap helped me participate in a meeting more alert than I would have without the rest. If you need rest, you should find it, otherwise you'll receive other alerts and then can result in getting sick or ill. For me it results in a seizure. We hear it all the time, and we say it ourselves, we tell our loved ones that died to rest in peace. We should feel it is okay to rest in peace now while we are still living and not feel guilty each time we need to take a nap or need time off to to recharge for another life adventure.

Painting has been a great therapy method for me. During recoveries where I am too weak to weight train or not very mobile, painting takes me to mountains, lakes, and rivers I can't reach physically. My husband would say that I really only paint when I am not feeling well or when I'm recovering from a seizure. Often times during my recovery I paint a gift for someone because it is the thought of them, that helped me during my recovery.

I remember painting this 'Dream' in our backyard in Elk Grove. I remember how much pain I was in. After being released from the hospital I didn't want to feel captive in a room, so my husband set up a nice shaded area for me outback so that I can soak in the sun. After painting this I fell asleep outside on the lounge chair for several hours.

Last holiday season I wasn't doing very well. My seizures were happening often. I found myself painting but running low on funds to purchase supplies. I painted these on wine glasses (recycled from our wedding in 2013) for my daughter's 7th grade teachers to show our appreciation for teaching us this school year. Despite the hard year, my daughter finished 7th grade with a 4.0 and great feedback from her teachers.

Tell Your Story

I was diagnosed with Epilepsy in 2005 when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter. It was only 4 years ago when I started to learn of the different forms of Epilepsy and the support groups available. Epileptologist wasn't even a word in my vocabulary until I moved to Dublin, California. I never used to speak of my challenges with anyone other than my immediate family, and doctor. Trying to work around these challenges made it even more difficult. When I joined a social media group and started to listen to others in the epilepsy community describe their challenges, and their "day to day"; it truly helped me explore options that may help me. This is what started to help me open up about my condition, and also understand that my challenges are temporary.

Tell your story whether it be through videography, social media posting, or writing it down for someone to read later when you are ready. This avenue has helped me tremendously.

Julee Gould, (top) no sleep for 3 days, in pain.

I started to show people my journey with Epilepsy. How Living with Epilepsy (L.W.E.) can have its challenges. Love and support starting pouring in. Many direct message me with surprise. No idea that I had an illness, no idea that I am sick, they would say. I remind them, I am not sick, only have some challenges I live with called Epilepsy.

To my surprise, I started to see the words, "You inspire me" "Thank you for sharing", "You helped me have the courage", "I am open because of you." These words not only inspire me, but it helps me through my recovery process and my journey with Epilepsy.

Photo Credit: WETHANDS BRAND, 2016

My husband started a clothing brand "WETHANDS BRAND" encouraging the world to do what we do. To not be afraid to #GetYourHandsWet despite any challenges you may be facing in life. I live by this, and will keep spreading the word.

Exploring Treatment

This is the first time I am sharing publicly on the web, the treatments we have explored to help with the challenges of living with epilepsy. One thing I would like to make a point of is, it is important to be open and discuss these treatments with your family and your specialist; because it impacts everyone in your life, not just you as the patient. These treatment were explored based on information I researched, information shared with me by professionals, specialists, advocates, or through their personal experiences. Based on these information we thought it would be helpful to explore.

Julee Gould, San Ramon Regional Medical Center

Prescriptions and Tests

Rx I have tried/currently on.DilantinKeppraDepakoteTrileptalLamictal Topomax AtivanDiazapamPain TreatmentTHC flowerTHC ediblesCBD Only oilCBD Only SyrupCBD Only Extract
It is important to be open to your specialist. Keep a journal of your symptoms and episodes. Ask questions and explore different options. Everyone's body & mind is different and therefore our conditions and how we react to it will differ too. We've explored my heart palpitations, my low heart rate, hyperthyroidism, etc.
I will post thoughts on each specific treatment later this month. I wanted to demonstrate although I've been diagnosed for 14 years, we are still working on increasing my health and decreasing my seizures.

Julee Gould, Epilepsy Warrior

Julee Gould, Cardiology Work Up

Thank you for visiting my thoughts on Therapy. Keep visiting as we keep adding more therapy thoughts. Don't forget to keep scrolling to check out the shopping thoughts & offers that came to mind during thoughts on Therapy.

Enjoy!

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