12 Tips for Parenting through Divorce

(From Creative Approaches for Counseling Individual Children. by Diane Senn)

1. Take time to reassure your children that they are not to blame for the divorce. Children often feel that it is their fault. They think that if they had behaved better than perhaps mom and dad would not have argued and divorced.
2. Be aware of the different feelings kids facing a divorce often have. They may feel: sad, angry, guilty, afraid of the unknown, scared, or worried. It is normal and natural to have many different feelings about the separation/divorce and the changes. Help the child find appropriate ways to deal with these emotions.
3. Allow time for your child to talk about the separation/divorce and to ask questions. Explain the divorce to your children at least every six months. One explanation is not enough. With time, their ability to understand what you tell them will change, and they'll have new questions and concerns.
4. Remember that a child cannot take the place of the ‘missing’ parent. Do not expect a child to turn into a grown up overnight and don't treat them like a grown-up--sharing grown-up information. They are children and need to be allowed to play and be a child.
5. Resist the temptation to confide in your child. Don't expose your child to adult information such as intimate relationship details or financial concerns. You will need to talk about what's happening, so find adult confidants that you trust.
6. Don't allow your guilt to interfere with parental responsibility. Try not to be overprotective or overindulgent with privileges or using material things to compensate. It's important to set limits and provide structure. At such an unsettled time, consistency is especially important.
7. Discourage your child from taking sides. Refrain from making unkind remarks about your ex-spouse where they can hear you. Children usually take after both parents. So they may interpret a criticism of one of their parents as a criticism of them.
8. Don't use visitation or child support as bargaining tools with the other parent.
9. Respect the privacy of your child’s relationship with the other parent. Do your best not to ask too many questions when they return from a visit. Allow them privacy for phone conversations. And don't use the child to carry messages, letters, or checks to the other parent.
10. Try to help your child maintain a relationship with relatives on both sides.
11. Establish new traditions for holiday celebrations. More than any other times, holidays and birthdays remind kids that things will never be the same. Try doing something entirely different to celebrate the holiday. Choose something you enjoy too-- the happier you are, the more likely that your child will be happy.

Remember...time heals...

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Helpful Sites:

Focus on Kids Resources

(Articles on how to help your child understand and navigate separation

Kids Health: Helping a Child through Divorce

(information for parents and kids)and divorce as well as a list of age-appropriate books)