What is Grief?

(Retrieved from The Dougy Center https://www.dougy.org/resource-articles/what-is-grief )

When someone close to us dies, we experience something called grief...Grief can be feelings: anger, sadness, worry, relief, fear, numbness. Or it may be thoughts, such as “Who will take care of me now that my mom died?,” “Why do people get cancer?,” or “What will happen next?” Sometimes, grief affects our bodies. We feel sleepy, or have trouble falling asleep. We may not feel like eating. We may have headaches or stomachaches or all of a sudden don’t feel like doing things we usually like to do, such as playing or going to school. All of these experiences are normal for grieving kids...There is no magic pill for grief. It’s not something you “get over.” A lot of people say grief is like a journey. Although it never ends, things do get better, and there are things you can do to smooth over the rough and rocky places along the way.

Every kid grieves differently. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Developmental Phases in Understanding Death

(Retrieved from The National Association of School Psychologists)

It is important to recognize that all children are unique in their understanding of death and dying. This understanding depends on their developmental level, cognitive skills, personality characteristics, religious or spiritual beliefs, teachings by parents and significant others, input from the media, and previous experiences with death. Nonetheless, there are some general considerations that will be helpful in understanding how children and adolescents experience and deal with death.

• Infants and Toddlers: The youngest children may perceive that adults are sad, but have no real understanding of the meaning or significance of death.

• Preschoolers: Young children may deny death as a formal event and may see death as reversible. They may interpret death as a separation, not a permanent condition. Preschool and even early elementary children may link certain events and magical thinking with the causes of death. For instance, as a result of the World Trade Center disaster, some children may imagine that going into tall buildings may cause someone’s death.

• Early Elementary School: Children at this age (approximately 5-9) start to comprehend the finality of death. They begin to understand that certain circumstances may result in death. They can see that, if large planes crash into buildings, people in the planes and buildings will be killed. In case of war images, young children may not be able to differentiate between what they see on television, and what might happen in their own neighborhood. However, they may over-generalize, particularly at ages 5-6—if jet planes don’t fly, then people don’t die. At this age, death is perceived as something that happens to others, not to oneself or one’s family.

• Middle School: Children at this level have the cognitive understanding to comprehend death as a final event that results in the cessation of all bodily functions. They may not fully grasp the abstract concepts discussed by adults or on the TV news but are likely to be guided in their thinking by a concrete understanding of justice. They may experience a variety of feelings and emotions, and their expressions may include acting out or self-injurious behaviors as a means of coping with their anger, vengeance and despair.

• High School: Most teens will fully grasp the meaning of death in circumstances such as an automobile accident, illness and even the World Trade Center or Pentagon disasters. They may seek out friends and family for comfort or they may withdraw to deal with their grief. Teens (as well as some younger children) with a history of depression, suicidal behavior and chemical dependency are at particular risk for prolonged and serious grief reactions and may need more careful attention from home and school during these difficult times.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dougy Center Resources:

Resources for Kids

Resources for Parents and Caregivers

Tips for Supporting Grieving Children

Supporting Grieving Preschoolers

Activities for Children

Helping Children and Teens Cope with Fear after a Death

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NASP (National Association of School Psychologists) Resources:

Tips for Caregivers

Includes strategies for families dealing with

an anticipatory loss (e.g., terminal illness) and strategies

for dealing with the sudden loss of a loved one

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Additional Links:

Sesame Street Resources on Grief

Coalition to Support Grieving Students

National Alliance for Grieving Children