Life in Florida?

One of our members asked that I post this note - some of you may be amused.

Perhaps one of you wrote it?

A Few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on

Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf,

Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in

Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to

do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days

are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes

15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a

half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item

the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick

breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30

of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once.

Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am.

After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go

back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class,

followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my

Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and

sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before we know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the

many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After

a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to

the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a

Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start

lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45

because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the

large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's

lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard,

relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.

At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're

fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom

during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over

again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy

reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I

don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes

at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then

there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes

they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a

rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest

concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself

am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their

basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from

the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they

make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we

call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There

are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't

remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours

while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name.

Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers,

uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's

Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned

by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be

of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live

in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.