“I’m a teacher at your school. That’s what you wanted to ask me about, isn’t it?”
Chen Huanyi said nothing.
“In the school of biological sciences.”
Still no reply.
“I just received a job offer to come back from abroad and teach.”
Silence.
“If there’s a problem, you can say so.”
Chen Huanyi really couldn’t speak.
There was a big-shot S on the forum whose status had always indicated he was overseas. A month ago, he had suddenly announced that he was returning from abroad and looking for an M. Chen Huanyi was very lucky in chancing upon him. They made arrangements to hook up, he had a mind-blowingly amazing night, and the next day, the big-shot S turned out to be a teacher at his school.
Could there be anything so terrifying in this world?
No—there couldn’t possibly be anything more terrifying than this.
He was like a geek having a grand old time playing a bishoujo game [1], only for his beautiful girl character to bashfully smile at him and reveal that she had the face of the elderly dean of the school of biological sciences.
Chen Huanyi took a long moment to digest this information, and then another to come up with the words he wanted to say. The man didn’t rush him.
“…Laoshi.” [2] As soon as Chen Huanyi spoke, the man furrowed his brow.
“Laoshi, I think maybe we should… maybe we should just forget it. Student-teacher relationships are really too…”
Considering that the man had spent many years abroad, Chen Huanyi figured he was accustomed to a more liberal environment and wanted to explain himself properly. But regardless of what he said, he still would be pushing away the master he’d just recognized. No matter how dignified he made it sound, it would still amount to a rejection.
The man didn’t say anything—he just looked at him. Chen Huanyi couldn’t read his expression, so he had no choice but to forge ahead. “I… You’ve just come back from abroad, and lots of things were probably different from here. There are many restrictions on faculty members, and schools won’t tolerate any stains of this sort. Having a relationship already has severe consequences, and what’s more… I’m also…”
The man was still watching him calmly. Chen Huanyi couldn’t make sense of the look in the man’s eyes—he thought they might have held a gentle warmth, but perhaps it was something else. That gaze gradually made his voice fade out into a stammer.
“Okay.”
“I think…” Chen Huanyi snapped out of it belatedly. “What did you say?”
“I said, okay,” the man repeated.
Chen Huanyi’s mouth twitched and fell open for a long while before he closed it again.
Part of his heart seemed to have been hollowed out, albeit only a very small part.
It was like that time he’d poured his heart into analyzing some data for days on end, but no matter what he did, the results didn’t agree with the theory. When he went to ask his shijie [3] about it, she told him breezily, Ah, Huanyi, you don’t need to work on that anymore—there’s an issue with that dataset.
No—it felt even worse than that.
Their food arrived. Chen Huanyi didn’t move.
“Eat,” the man said gently. “You’ve been hungry for a long time.”
Chen Huanyi lowered his head, mechanically picked up his chopsticks, and began to eat. The man poured soy sauce into both of their saucers and set aside some wasabi and pickled ginger for Chen Huanyi.
Chen Huanyi took a piece of sushi. Ignoring the soy sauce entirely, he fiercely jabbed the sushi into the wasabi and then stuffed it into his mouth. Strictly speaking, spiciness wasn’t a flavor—it was a type of pain. Those stinging molecules exploded on his tongue and rushed into his nose. Right away, his eyes started watering and his nose started running, the overpowering sensation instantly wiping his mind blank as tears and snot dripped from his face.
It really… felt so, so terrible.
Sitting across the table, the man remained calm. Without a word, he took out a tissue and put it next to Chen Huanyi’s hand.
His teary eyes half-closed, Chen Huanyi managed to grab the tissue. “…Thank you.”
After they finished eating, the man was still the one who picked up the tab. As they left, he looked at Chen Huanyi and said softly, “I… won’t send you home. Be careful on your way back.”
His hand moved slightly, as if he wanted to ruffle Chen Huanyi’s hair, but in the end, he didn’t do anything.
Chen Huanyi made a muffled noise and nodded without looking the man in the eye.
With his head hung low, Chen Huanyi dispiritedly made his way back to his dorm, ignoring the stares of onlookers.
An hour ago, he was still acting like a spoiled child, talking to the man about where they should get lunch. Now, an hour later, they had parted ways, with nothing more to do with each other.
It was said that hollow satisfaction was even more painful than unfulfilled longing.
But for a kid who’d grown up in an ordinary family—
“You don’t have a choice.” [4]
These words more or less summed it up.
For someone like Chen Huanyi, this single hook-up depleted all the courage he'd accumulated over the course of his twenty-one years. This was the only thing he’d ever done in his life that overstepped boundaries, that he couldn’t tell anyone about.
He closed his eyes, silently searching his heart—
I’ve suppressed this kink for so many years, so how bad would it be to keep on suppressing it? Surely holding it in can’t kill me? As long as I don’t let down the most important people in my life, then won’t it be worth it? That must be the case—I, Chen Huanyi, have believed in these principles for so long that I have no reason to begin doubting them today.
One of his roommates was already home by the time he returned to his dorm. He turned to tease Chen Huanyi, “Where’d you go yesterday—”
Chen Huanyi stood in the doorway, his eyes and nose bright red.
His roommate broke off immediately. “…W-what’s wrong?”
Chen Huanyi silently walked over to his desk with his back to his roommate, looking like a gray mushroom on a rainy day. “…Allergies,” he grumbled.
The roommate leaned over his chair, looking at Chen Huanyi’s back. After a long beat, he sighed. “Who are you allergic to?”
Bracing his hand against the back of his chair, Chen Huanyi suddenly turned around to stare at his roommate. “Can I ask you something?”
The roommate felt the hairs prickle on the back of his neck beneath his gaze. “…Go ahead. But if it’s about fighting the other man, getting back at an ex, disposing of a dead body, or anything like that, I can’t help you.”
Staring at him, Chen Huanyi asked in a quiet voice, “Why are you studying biology?”
“Because I love it,” his roommate proclaimed.
Chen Huanyi was unconvinced. “Just this semester, you’ve cut more classes than all the appendages on your body put together.”
The roommate shielded his crotch in terror. “Okay okay. Because some expert said biology has the most promising future of any major field of study, and I fell for it.”
“Oh. Then what do you want to do in the future?” Chen Huanyi asked.
His roommate scratched his head. “Anything’s fine, as long as I don’t have to do more research or write more reports. I still remember that toxicology experiment with those crazy expensive bugs, where I accidentally drowned all of them before getting around to testing the toxins. The professor almost lost it, I swear he was about to feed me to the lab dog. I still remember how scared I was of succumbing to those bugs… and to that dog.”
Chen Huanyi nodded. “I see.”
“Why do you ask?” His roommate’s curiosity was piqued. “Why are you studying biology?”
Chen Huanyi considered the question briefly. “I guess at first it was because the academic community seemed straightforward—if you work hard, you’ll get results. But I really do like biology too. Your parents don’t want you to apply to graduate school?”
His roommate replied breezily, “They know that scoring high enough on the entrance exam to get in here already used up all of my luck. They don’t expect much more from me.”
Chen Huanyi hummed in acknowledgment. But I’ve never let them down.
I’ve always lived according to their expectations, taking their happiness as my own.
I’ve always solved all my own problems, never daring to inconvenience anybody else.
A week passed. The next weekend, Chen Huanyi was analyzing some data on the lab computer when a shixiong he didn’t know ran in. Upon seeing that Chen Huanyi was the only one in the room, the shixiong waved him over. “Are you busy? If you aren’t, come help me run the numbers on the students being recommended for guaranteed postgraduate admission.” [5]
Before Chen Huanyi could speak up, the shixiong rushed out. Chen Huanyi had no choice but to run after him. The shixiong complained as he strode ahead quickly, “Ugh, I have so much to do—Deputy Chair Yu just sent me all this data and wants it back within two hours, but I still have other things to take care of. It would be great if you can help me out. The lab’s practically deserted over the weekend.”
Chen Huanyi sat down in front of the computer the shixiong had arranged for him and started ranking the undergraduates according to their grade point averages to date, as well as additional points from competitions, research projects, extramural activities, and so on. Chen Huanyi was used to dealing with data—for him, tackling this spreadsheet was like using a cleaver to slaughter a chicken. His fingers flying over the keyboard, he had everything sorted out before long. Each category was color-coded, and the important numbers were enlarged and bolded. He even calculated stabilities and confidence intervals for each student’s grades. Then taking their major and departmental projects into account, he ranked the students according to their overall marks, as well as other statistical parameters.
Once he was finished, he called the shixiong over to take a look.
“What year are you? What’s your name?” the shixiong asked in astonishment. “You did such a good job that I can’t tell the deputy chair this is my work—I can’t take credit for this, I need to tell him who did it.”
Chen Huanyi smiled modestly. “I’m a senior, Chen Huanyi.”
The shixiong’s eyes almost bugged out. “You’re a senior? Why are you working in the grad student lab?” He paced back and forth in agitation. “Aiya, why didn’t you say so! See, these are the postgraduate admissions data for your year—how could you work on this? Why didn’t you recuse yourself right away to avoid suspicion?”
Chen Huanyi let out an embarrassed laugh. “Uh, I really didn’t pay attention to those grades. I calculated them all with the same formula.”
The shixiong shot him a sidelong glance. Chen Huanyi raised his hands in defeat. “Shixiong, I won’t keep it from you any longer—I’ve always been the top student in my class, there’s no reason for me to cheat. Look—it says Chen Huanyi in the top row, number one each year, with the highest competition and research participation rate. I’ve never participated in extramurals, so the points in that column are zero—see!”
“Okay, I got it,” his shixiong chortled. “Chen Huanyi, senior—I’ve heard of you. You’re pretty famous.”
“I’ll stop with the false modesty then,” Chen Huanyi smiled. “I’ll probably continue in this lab for my graduate studies. Shixiong, please let me know if I can lend you a hand with anything.”
The shixiong smiled in response and emailed the spreadsheet to the deputy chair. “So you’ve already decided to stay here for grad school—who’s going to be your advisor?” he asked off-handedly.
Chen Huanyi thought for a moment. “My current project is with Professor Shen, and I think he’ll advise my undergrad thesis too. So I’ll probably continue working with him for grad school.”
“Oh, Professor Shen’s pretty great, he has tons of projects under his name,” said the shixiong. “And he’ll only take students like you, who’ve worked with him from undergrad all the way to grad. He has a quota of two master’s students per year, and they’re always the cream of the crop. Lots of people have those positions on their minds.”
Chen Huanyi chuckled and then ran back to the lab to continue working up his data.
The days slowly turned from refreshingly brisk to bitterly cold. The tree next to the window of Chen Huanyi’s dorm had already lost a third of its leaves. Chen Huanyi was lying down in bed, feeling a bit under the weather. His roommate looked up at him and remarked, “You haven’t gone to lab in two days, are you sick? Do you want to get checked out at the school hospital?”
Chen Huanyi looked at him out of the corner of his eye, lip curling. “The school hospital? I intend to keep doing research for the next fifty years.”
His roommate knew what he meant. “If you’re really feeling bad, I’ll take you to a real hospital.”
“It’s fine,” said Chen Huanyi. “It’s just that time of the month.” [6]
“Then you’ve really gotta get yourself checked out. The doctor can give you something for the cramps.”
Chen Huanyi looked at him disdainfully. “You don’t understand—this is a psychological time of the month.”
His roommate really didn’t know what to say. “Okay, fine—no matter what, it’ll do you no harm to take a few days off. You’ve been staying in lab from seven in the morning to eleven at night for the past several weeks—they might as well put you in charge of the keys at this point. No matter how good of a student you are, no one can handle going on like this. Just look at yourself, you look scraggly as hell. You need to chill for a few days—eat some good food, play some games, get some sleep, recharge your battery. It’s not like you have to take the graduate entrance exam anyway, what are you so stressed about?”
“You’re right, I need some spice in my life,” Chen Huanyi said distantly. “…Spice.”
“Why are you suddenly sounding like an old brothel madam?” said his roommate.
Chen Huanyi didn’t respond. His roommate looked up to see that he was playing around on his phone.
Chen Huanyi silently logged into the forum that he hadn't dared browse for the past few weeks. He had held it in for a long time, but he couldn’t take it anymore—he wanted to see if that man had any recent activity online. Would he say anything about me? Probably not—he’s very conscientious of privacy. He’s probably the type that wouldn’t say anything bad about his ex after the break-up. So would he find a new M then? Possibly.
Chen Huanyi tapped on the man’s profile.
Nickname: Doctor K
Gender: Male
Role: S
Status: Have a slave, do not disturb
Latest activity: 2015/09/17
Upon seeing this status, Chen Huanyi’s heart twinged. So many days had passed—had he not changed his status, or had he already found a new M? The date of his most recent activity was his post announcing that he was looking for an M. There were no newer updates. After going to that post, Chen Huanyi scrolled through an endless pile of replies. Lots of people were wringing their hands over the fact that this godly big-shot S had been snagged by a novice M who was a total nobody on this forum—a novice who hadn’t even made a post or uploaded a photo, whose profile picture was still the system’s default!
Chuckling, Chen Huanyi found his initial reply.
“Please take me, king~~~~~”
He didn’t know why he responded like this. He’d never even replied to a post seeking partners before, and of course he’d never made such a post himself—at most, he would just chat back and forth online. According to the numbers nowadays, there were more male S’s than female M’s, more female M’s than male M’s, and more male M’s than female S’s. As a male M, he was constantly bombarded with private messages. For example, someone once sent him a picture of their feet and then asked, “Wanna lick them?” This compelled Chen Huanyi to change his role to “S,” after which the messages slowed down. However, something even more horrifying happened before long—he logged on to see a picture of someone’s genitals, followed by “Master, please whip me.” Chen Huanyi changed his role back to “M” in terror.
A forum like this one—for adults discussing their unconventional sexual preferences—always made him feel a bit concerned for his safety.
But for some mysterious reason, he trusted Doctor K. Maybe it was because his post seemed more serious than the others, or maybe it was because this big-shot S who never showed his face always abstained from vulgar or frivolous language and had a pristine reputation.
Chen Huanyi’s “Please take me, king~~~~~” was buried under a pile of similar replies. Even those five tildes weren’t especially flirty.
He remembered that not long afterward, he received a message from this legendary S asking him for his location.
Astonished by this show of favor, he replied. After confirming what city he lived in, the S sent him his email address and phone number. Then he left a reply under Chen Huanyi’s “Please take me, king~~~~~” beneath his original post looking for an M: “I’ve taken him.” After that, the king’s status changed to “Have a slave, do not disturb.”
Back then, Chen Huanyi hadn’t given the man his contact information right away, nor did the man press him for it. Only after a few days did he try sending the man a text message with his contact details. The man said he wasn’t in his city yet, and wouldn’t be for a few more weeks or so. He'd already saved his number and would call when he was in town.
Starting from two weeks after their text exchange, Chen Huanyi started breaking out in nervous sweats. He kept his phone on him at all times, never putting it down for a moment, checking each and every notification right away. His behavior was practically neurotic.
Then on that cloudless afternoon, he heard the man’s deep voice.
He felt as though he’d been bewitched. He was standing at the entrance to the lab at the time, where people might have walked past at any moment. If he spoke any louder, his shixiongs and shijies in lab would’ve probably overheard, but for some reason, he heard himself say softly into the phone, “I want to meet you and kneel at your feet.”
His voice was very quiet, but his heart was pounding like a drum. A thunderous boom seemed to go off in his ears, such that he could no longer tell if this was still reality.
“You’re pretty bold. Why don’t you give it a try?” said that deep voice.
Chen Huanyi snuck a glance at his roommate and then slowly reached into his pants to wrap his hand around his cock.
It wasn’t the same—it didn’t feel the same as that night!
Chen Huanyi felt like he was losing his mind. He would rather be kneeling in front of the man with his dick and hole exposed—even if the man didn’t touch him, even if he just watched him, that would be better than what he was doing right now…
He thought of that posture, of that man’s seemingly tangible gaze falling between his legs…
It took every ounce of Chen Huanyi’s willpower to bite back the sounds threatening to escape his mouth. Seeing as his roommate was still below him, he didn’t dare start going at it under the covers in broad daylight. He squeezed his dick forcefully, but rather than going soft, he only grew even harder. Something the man had said to him popped into his head again—“Do you know what this whip is made for hitting?”
Chen Huanyi let out a muffled moan, having long since tossed his underwear into some godforsaken corner of the bed. His palm already slick, he came all over his hand and blankets.
Luckily for him, his roommate was gaming with his headphones in and hadn’t noticed any signs of activity from the top bunk. Chen Huanyi quietly got a tissue and wiped away what he could from the bed and his hand. It would cause too much of a fuss to wash his bedding right now, so he had no choice but to let it be.
Some time later, a classmate from their year knocked on the door and stuck his head into their room. “Just giving you all a heads up—the list of guaranteed postgraduate admissions has been sent out to the class listserv. Accepted students should make sure to contact their advisors.”
Since his roommate was still playing his game, Chen Huanyi waved to his classmate. “Got it, I’ll let everyone know.”
He opened the email and downloaded the attachment. On the very top of the list of guaranteed acceptances was the name Chen Huanyi.
How does the saying go again? he thought to himself mockingly. Something about disappointment in one sphere bringing success in another… [7]
[1] Video games centered around attractive female characters.
[2] 老师 Teacher (respectful term of address).
[3] 师姐 Older female classmate.
[4] 冇得拣 In Cantonese dialect.
[5] Exceptional undergraduate students can be granted guaranteed admission to graduate studies at the same institution without going through the usual application and examination process.
[6] 大姨夫, think "Uncle Flo"—reference to a meme about periods of hormonal mood swings for men.
[7] The saying typically goes 情场失意，职场得意 or “disappointment in love, success at work.”