How to make a long distance relationship work.

The snowball principle

Purely because you are not together in the room and cannot see each other, because of this you miss many different forms of (subtle) communication, which makes it so very difficult to understand what the other really means.

What you often see happening is that couples in a long distance relationship discuss a small problem over the phone and that it quickly turns into a fierce argument.

So it is just like a snowball that you roll down a mountain, because the ball keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Until the ball is so big that it destroys everything that gets in its way, which in this case is your relationship.

… And that is a shame.

"But Tim, what about Skype and Facetime?"

It is true that you can hear and see each other via Skype and Facetime (video telephony).

But even through such avenues, you still see that misunderstandings arise much more quickly than when you talk to each other from person to person.

In short, do you have a disagreement?

Always try to discuss this in person.

So unless he is abroad (and there is no other option): avoid these types of conversations over the phone as much as possible.

2. Have a fun and interesting life

Girlfriends. Family. Hobbies. Sports. Self-development.

All things that can make the time without each other a lot more bearable.

Because look. When you are in a long distance relationship, you have two choices:

1. You can make optimal use of all the time you have to do fun things.

2. You can constantly think about him, stalk his Facebook and check your mobile every minute to see if he has sent you a message.

Question, which of the two options do you think is better?

You think the first? Well done. You are absolutely right.

What you are actually doing right now ...

3. Make agreements with each other

You may be thinking now:

"Bah. Boring. Appointments. ”

And I fully understand that, in a relationship you naturally want everything to go as naturally as possible and to worry about something as 'stupid' as agreements as little as possible.

Nevertheless, it is important to spend some time on this together.

Why?

Well look. You both have expectations and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you don't bring up these expectations, you are actually blindly assuming that you are meeting each other's expectations.

But yeah…

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus

In all the years that I coach men and women, I have never seen a man and woman who were about to start a relationship in complete agreement.

And that is not necessary, men and women simply differ from each other.

That's okay.

At least not if you make agreements with each other about your relationship, this to avoid confusion and a lot of hassle afterwards.

What you do is this:

1. Discuss your expectations.

2. Listen carefully and be patient.

3. Make compromises and stick to them.

Just don't leave things like this to fate , because you won't be the first to find out after a year that he wants nothing more than an open relationship.

Also see: How to make him obsess over you.

4. Keep it light

OK. Suppose you have your weekly (virtual) conversation with him.

Then prevent these kinds of conversations from getting the emotional charge where you tell him in tears about how much you missed him.

It is very tempting to step into this trap.

Well, it doesn't matter at all that you miss him and say that to him every now and then.

Nothing to be ashamed of, that's human.

But that doesn't mean that all your conversations have to resemble the sad scenes of a chick flick.

Talk about cows and calves

It is important to make sure that in addition to in-depth conversations, you also have fun conversations that actually make no sense.

Tell him about the best salad EVER you happened to eat of the week.

Or tell him that in salsa you were "smiled at" when you made a beginner's mistake.

Just tell him about the fun and funny things you have experienced every now and then.

It's (sometimes) hard enough that you can't see each other very much because of the distance, so don't make it harder by having heavy emotional conversations every time you speak to him.

No. When you speak to him, make sure that you have a good time together, because that is also very important (in any relationship).

5. Schedule time for each other

And I mean, REALLY schedule time for each other on a regular basis.

Look. Normally if you live around the corner from each other you see each other very often and you don't really have to pay attention to whether you see each other often enough.

Because it is actually automatic and natural.

But now because you live far apart it's important to make sure you keep seeing each other regularly, so:

• Schedule time for each other.

• Make an appointment on a fixed day in the week or on a fixed weekend in the month.

• Make sure you don't let the contact water down.

Because if you don't do this, you will pass each other

I understand that it is not fun to schedule time in advance.

But suppose you don't do this, you often get what you see happening with partners in a long distance relationship: they walk past each other.

For example, he may say on Friday:

"Oh, almost forgot, I can only meet on Saturday this weekend."

And that while you already met friends that Saturday. Oops ...

So even though it may not be the most fun thing to do, make sure to schedule time for each other.

Especially if you live in another country and can't see each other at the weekend.

And then something else ...

6. Be intimate when you see him

If you live far away from each other and are still in a relationship, the time you have together is automatically less than with other relationships.

You want to spend this time together as well as possible, right? And what is such a place where you have it completely undisturbed to yourself?

Right, the bedroom.

Sex is important in a relationship .

But before you tear him to pieces (how you interpret that is up to you) it's a good idea to make sure you have time together.

So suppose you do not live on your own yet, kindly request your housemates (or parents) to spend an evening outside.

Hang up the “do not disturb sign”, tie a tie around the doorknob or book a hotel if necessary.

Make sure there is nothing that can interrupt your intimate moment (so also turn off your mobile or at least on silent).

And then you have only one thing left to do: enjoy each other's presence.

7. A good rule of thumb to keep in mind

This is a funny one, what you often see is that people in a long distance relationship behave differently than they would in a regular relationship.

For example, a friend who lives in Budapest said that he thought about ten times before sending a message to his girlfriend in the Netherlands.

The reason? He was afraid of appearing desperate if he texted her every other day.

Something he hadn't thought about for seconds in a “normal relationship”.

And this is just a small example.

Nevertheless. If long distance relationships are new to you then I can imagine that you have questions about how to make such a relationship work best.

Use the following :

"Do the things you would in a normal relationship"

Yup. It can be that simple, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

In any case, make sure you do the following things:

• Have (often) contact.

• Trust each other (important).

• Talk about little things (tip # 4).

• Support each other in difficult times.

• Do your best to get to know each other better.

(you know the things you would normally do)

Making sure you do things like this makes it a lot easier to keep your relationship fun and exciting.

8. Be spontaneous and creative

This may sound a bit contradictory to tips # 5 & # 10, but in addition to planning time for each other, it is important to do spontaneous and creative things.

It is precisely these kinds of small (caring) things that make a relationship work, according to research .

Here are some ideas for inspiration:

• Is it his birthday? Have a cake with a photo made at the bakery and then have it delivered to his home.

• Did he get a promotion at work? Have a bottle of champagne delivered to his home, or spontaneously visit him.

• Are you lying in bed and - for whatever reason - unable to sleep? Call him. Maybe he was lying in bed thinking about you;) He is answering? Um… phone sex?

These are just a few spontaneous and creative things you can do.

(now I'm sure you can come up with something better;)

It is precisely these kinds of things that keep your relationship fun and vibrant. Of course you run the risk that he will not be home once when you spontaneously stop by, but hey, it's all worth it, right?

Exactly, that's what I thought. So don't be afraid that he thinks something childish, men love these spontaneous things.

9. Work on your band

Just because you can't see each other (in real life) every day doesn't mean you can't strengthen your bond.

There are a number of things you can do today to strengthen your connection, things like;

a) Do things together remotely

Right, schedule a virtual date.

Make sure everyone is comfortable and has a drink within reach, then call via Skype or Facetime and talk to each other.

Ask him how things are going and what exciting things he has been up to recently.

10. Plan things together in the future to look forward to

I have found this to work very well with people who are in a long distance relationship.

This is because you rarely see each other and there is almost always a (large) distance between you, this makes it much more difficult to imagine a future together.

It's much more difficult than seeing each other very often.

Because if you see each other very often, you can make many more future plans and then you really have something to work towards.

This makes it much easier to feel the certainty that it is not just some sort of scratching thing or that it is not just a little short term thing.

… But that it really is something for the long term that you both want to go for 100 percent.

In a long distance relationship, this certainty is a lot less

At least, not if you're planning things together in the future to look forward to.

That's why it's so important to schedule things like this in a long distance relationship.

Because suppose you have the plan to go on vacation in three months.

Then that creates a lot of security, because then you really have something to live towards together. This tells you that your relationship is not just for the short term.

In addition, such a plan communicates that he wants to go for it one hundred percent.

So this gives you the level of security that is often lacking in long distance relationships (and often causes things to go wrong).

Because even if you tell him ten more times that you want to give it your all, actions speak louder than words.

So plan things together in the future, then you give each other that security, then you give each other that security and then you both actually make the commitment that it is really a serious thing.

11. See the distance as a positive thing

If you are a typical Dutchman who always complains about anything and everything then I have good news for you.

… Because a long distance relationship isn't that bad.

In fact, there are even some (big) advantages to a distance relationship compared to a normal relationship.

There are even people who want a relationship at a distance in order to take advantage of these benefits.

What are the benefits? I'm glad you asked.

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Sources and credits:

www.mannengeheim

www.liefdesverdriet

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