Why Do I Push You Away?

Why Do I Push You Away?

By Shelli Ann

I have never been the person,

Who envisioned the perfect life.

The one who visualized a dream,

Where everything would turn out right.

My friends all spoke of goals,

Of degrees, travel and families.

Though these were things I thought about,

I couldn’t envision them for me.

I was blessed to have a childhood,

Filled with love and laughter.

We never had abundance,

But that really didn’t seem to matter.

Knowing I was loved,

Was something I never had to question.

My family always made it known,

Evident through their actions.

I never have seen beautiful,

When I look into the mirror.

All I can see staring back at me,

Is someone who should be better.

Perhaps that is why I struggle,

To believe that anyone can see.

The beauty that I can’t seem to find,

Buried somewhere inside of me.

As I look around me,

I desperately want to believe.

That someday, somewhere,

I too will find my dream.

People tell me often,

That things happen in God’s time.

In truth, I often wonder,

If His clock’s the same as mine.

I know I should have Faith,

In what He has in store.

For I know that His plans are good,

His blessings so much more.

Yet, as time goes by,

I can not help but wonder.

Perhaps I am not meant for the same dreams,

The ones I had when I was younger.

Some people tell me,

I shouldn’t wear my heart upon my sleeve,

But, having so much love to give,

I know no other way to be.

There are times, I feel like damaged goods,

My soul feels incomplete.

Like something else is missing,

Another piece of me.

The times it seems things are good,

Something always comes along.

To make me question my purpose,

Make me wonder where I belong.

Any time it seems like happiness,

Is just within my reach.

I always find a reason that,

It must not be meant for me.

Happiness, please tell me why,

I always seem to push you away.

When all I have ever really wanted,

Is for you to say you’ll stay…

© Shelli Ann