I-Mockery Interviews Soda Popinski

Many of you played the Nintendo game "Mike Tyson's Punch Out" when you were younger. We all enjoyed pummeling puny "Glass Joe" from the very beginning. We saw "Don Flamenco" do the infamous "Flamenco Dance". We found out that if you punch a fat guy like "King Hippo" where his Band-Aid is, you can really hurt the poor sap. We were shocked when "Super Macho Man" (no, not Randy Savage) made his man-boobs shake faster than a jackrabbit on crack. And we even wondered how many stories "Bald Bull" was dropped from to get his face that ugly.

But, amidst all of these stranger characters and BLATANT racial stereotypes in the game... there was one character who stood out in our minds. That man was none other than the great Russian Giant himself,
Soda Popinksi...

I-Mockery: So Soda, it's been a while since Punch-Out came out. Tell us a little bit about how you handled all of the worldwide recognition from that game and what you've been up to sine then.

Soda: Stupid American... I handled the fame just like I've handled everything in my life: in a complete drunken stupor! The last 10 years is a complete blur of bar brawls, DUI's, and waking up in puddles of my own vomit.

I-Mockery: You mean to tell me, that all you've done since that game came out is drink?

Soda: Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!

I-Mockery: Why do you always laugh at people like that?

Soda: Because I'm drunk, idiot! Next Question.

I-Mockery: Ok, why is your skin two different colors in the game? It looks normal when you're talking shit to "Little Mac", but during the actual fight you looked like a glowing pink nightmare!

I-Mockery: Lemme guess, you drank yourself silly.

Soda: Gee, you're a smart one. Allow me to give you a ride home later on.

I-Mockery: Um, no thanks.

Soda: Suit yourself. Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!

I-Mockery: I heard that Soda Popinski isn't even your real name. Is there any truth to that?

Soda: Yes. My real name is "Vodka Drunkenski". The commies at Nintendo, however, wouldn't allow me to use that name. They didn't want the children of the world to even know that alcohol existed. Which made no sense to me, since most children of the world have abusive drunken parents, right?

I-Mockery: Ummm...

Soda: Well anyway, they decided to go with a more "acceptable" name and they chose "Soda Popinksi" and they removed my bottles of alcohol and made me drink out of Soda Bottles. I still got drunk off my ass because I'd fill the soda bottles with vodka!

Soda tries to "hold it in" until the end of the round.

I-Mockery: If they didn't want to promote you as being an alcoholic, then why did they have you tell bad alcoholic jokes like "I'm gonna make you feel punch drunk!" and "I can't drive, so I'm gonna walk all over you!"? Why didn't they have you tell some carbonated beverage jokes instead?

Soda: BECAUSE THEY ARE IDIOTS! Jesus, you don't learn very fast do you?

I-Mockery: Calm down there Soda, I'm just trying to ask you some questions to get an understanding of your strange story.

Soda: What, are you gonna cry now? Here, have a drink... it's on me! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!

I-Mockery: Ok, I'm really beginning to hate that laugh of yours now.

Soda: You know, I wasn't the only one Nintendo censored.

I-Mockery: Really? Who else was censored?

Soda: Well, you might recall "Doc" rubbing "Little Mac's" arm in between rounds. Then when the next round started, Little Mac would get a burst of energy. What Nintendo did was edit the video footage. Doc was rubbing Mac alright... but it wasn't his ARM that he was rubbing. Catch my drift?

I-Mockery: SICK.

Soda: It's true! I've got the original footage to prove it! 

I-Mockery: Ok, now I've seen everything.

Soda: That's right! So when you were trying to "power up" Mac, you people were all really jerking him off! Nintendo just didn't show it to you! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!

I-Mockery: Ok, I have a sudden urge to quickly change topics. So... do you have any ill will towards Little Mac?

Soda: Ill will?

I-Mockery: Yeah for knocking you out during those fights 'n all...

Soda: Hahaha! That puny little man couldn't hurt a fly. We were all acting. Even "Glass Joe" was talking shit behind Little Mac's back. Fact is, Nintendo paid us all a hell of a lot to take those falls. And I bought myself Some fine Russian vodka with all of that money! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!

I-Mockery: But it looked like he punched you in the face. You looked stunned.

Soda: Again, I was drunk off my ass. Half the time I really had to urinate and I ended up making crazy faces while I tried to hold it in. And the only reason I fell down so much was because I couldn't maintain my balance. Which reminds me, I almost forgot to mention that those boxing rings are GREAT for taking power naps on!

The "Popinski Power Nap™"

I-Mockery: Well that's about all the questions I have for you. Any last words?

Soda: Yes. I've got a message for all of the children out there. No matter how many times you jog behind an obese man on a bike while wearing a fruity pink jogging suit, you won't be able to beat up somebody that's 5 times your size. Try it and you'll wake up in a hospital bed on life support. My suggestion to all of you kids is to DRINK! DRINK YOUR LIVES AWAY! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!