Name: Baron von Blubba (a.k.a. The Master of Darkness)
Occupation: Nemesis to all that is good in the world
Place of birth: the Magical Forest
Current residence: the Evil Magical Forest
Age: 527
Family: Two brothers - Lord Onarius the Cruel, and the Duke of Chicken

For those of you who have played the Nintendo game, Bubble Bobble, you have seen just how well chubby dinosaurs that spew out bubbles can find their lot in life. Admittedly, the entire game was rank with the stench of cuteness. Every wind-up toy, floating marshmallow, and unidentifiable flying mass seemed to scream, "Hug me!" Indeed, it seemed that the entire world, no matter how bad things seemed, would be a truly nice place to live.

However, in the shadow of all that was good, there lurked a creature of pure, unmitigated evil. Beneath the adorable exterior of this fantasy land were the plans and machinations of the one true master of evil: Baron von Blubba! 

Begin Interview:

I-Mockery: First off, may I call you Baron, or just Blubba?

Baron von Blubba: In time, you will address me as the Master of Masters. For now, you shall refer to me as no less than Baron von Blubba.

I-Mockery: Fair enough. So what have you been up to since Bubble Bobble?

Baron von Blubba: I’m glad you asked that question. Since I was freed from being nothing more than a plot device for those damnable piles of baby fat, I have been gathering my unholy minions to launch a full-scale invasion of all of the Magical Forest!

I-Mockery: But why conquer it? I thought you grew up in the Magical Forest? Where’s your sense of patriotism?

Baron von Blubba: Silence! My exodus from that place of the relentlessly precious was a great turning point in my existence! An existence that the history books shall record as the greatest ruler of all time! Bwahahahaha!!!

I-Mockery: Speaking of which, the manual said that you lived in the Evil Forest, but the game says that the main objective is the Cave of Monsters. What’s the deal with that?

Baron von Blubba: Simple, you cretin: My forest is just the antithesis of that sickening place of good! The Cave of Monsters is where my minions come to rest themselves. It is also a day spa.

I-Mockery: Why a day spa?

Baron von Blubba: Why not? Evilness is not a cheaply thing, and my minions need various kinds of wraps to help them relax. I tricked the two beasts into entering the lair to bring the full brunt of my army upon them!

The Cave of Monsters: Evil, and exfoliating.

I-Mockery: But didn’t they win in the end?

Baron von Blubba: Have you ever beaten the game?

I-Mockery: Well, no, but that’s because there’s over two hundred levels!

Baron von Blubba: Exactly. My minions are legion, and my day spa is massive. Those insufferable do-gooders would try their best to break through my defenses, but in the end, they would either be overtaken by boredom or would purchase a week’s stay! Is it not an ingenious plan?

I-Mockery: Sure, why not? No wonder the so-called "forest" looked nothing like a forest. Anyway, how exactly is your army, which consists of disgruntled toys and characters that were too cute to be in Disney movies, considered "unholy"?

Baron von Blubba: You naïve fool, do you not recall my cultists?

I-Mockery: Uh, I guess not.

Baron von Blubba: They are those who have devoted their lives to serving the Order of Tyranny!

The Order falls in upon an intruder.

I-Mockery: Oh yes, those guys. The manual said that they were named "Stoners." Are all your followers potheads?

Baron von Blubba: Their ritual of ganja is only a small part of the vast mosaic of my order. It allows them to calm their minds before a battle. The fools that made the game decided to focus on it because they wanted my minions to appear to be nothing more than harmless remnants of reefer madness. Besides, how can they be compared to those fat simps they call heroes, who go through each level goring themselves on so many types of food? It’s just the developers trying to breed a nation of obese children who launch spit bubbles when threatened.

The hero celebrates another level completed.

I-Mockery: Of course, it all makes sense now. Ok then, why did you wait so long in each scenario to begin your own personal assault on the two pudgy dinosaurs?

Baron von Blubba: Why, to build tension, of course. The fear would sweeten their blood just so! At that point, they’re like delicious reptilian bonbons.

I-Mockery: But before you got in on the chase, all of your minions that were on the scene would go nuts.

Baron von Blubba: Such is the power of my magic. I can stir my troops into a frenzy that frightens all but the most stalwart of hearts.

They smelled like dinosaur spit, you bet they were mad.

I-Mockery: Well, I don’t know about that. They just seemed to be a little angry.

Baron von Blubba: Wouldn’t you be if your foes were big-eyed preschoolers‘ toys that spat bubbles at you?

I-Mockery: Touché. All right then, Baron von Blubba, I’ve noticed that you look like one of those Belugas, only more ghastly. Are you a dead Beluga?

Baron von Blubba: In a word, yes. More specifically, I came down with a case of Terminal Cuteness when I was in college. Normally, it is treated through cuteness reduction surgery, but my HMO only covered adorability-impairing diseases, such as Pug Ugly, Fugly, and Grace Jones Syndrome. Fortunately, I still had two lives left, so I came back as the immortal being you see before you now! Bwhahahahaha!

I-Mockery: Well said. Anything else you’d like to add as a closing note?

Baron von Blubba: Yes. The cuter your enemy is, the more delicious their innards are. Also, for every cutesy, candy cane, Family Circus-looking, Hello Kitty-esque, Barney the Dinosaur-loving, happy place that there is in the world, there is an equally large, and much more entertaining, evil version of it that you should all be hanging out at. 

See, kids, finding the evil version of your
favorite hangout is so very simple.