Hello Stupid Americans! Today I, the Great Soda Popinski, am going to show all of you how to prepare one of the finest Russian delicacies ever! What is this fine meal? Stupid Americans! You should already know the answer! It's CHOCOLATE SPAGHETTI! It combines two of the greatest things in the world: CHOCOLATE and SPAGHETTI! You could not ask for a better combination... and don't give me any of that, "Yuck! I'm a Stupid American and I don't like chocolate on my spaghetti! I want the Ragu! THE RAGU!!!!" crap. You want Ragu instead? Bah! Perhaps you need to hear the Great Popinski's infamous catch-phrase once more!
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Ok, that's not my only catch phrase. I have many great ones like, "I'm going to make you punch drunk," "I can't drive, so I'm gonna walk all over you," and "Forget the glass, give me the whole damned bottle!" AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!
Now, since I'm a friggin' video game character, I obviously can't prepare this meal myself. Then again, I can't really talk, but we'll just humor Roger the stupid I-Mockery webmaster guy and his Stupid American imagination for the time being. Speaking of Roger, he is going to help me prepare this meal today. But I'm not going to just rely on his Stupid American taste buds to test my magnificent Chocolate Spaghetti. No way! I have invited some other people over too! First is Snish the Fish! (a strange rubbery Boglin toy from the 80's.)
Soda Popinski: "Welcome to my crib, Snish!"
Snish: "I just ate a bug! Weeeeee!"
Soda Popinski: "Uh, that's great. So do you want to come inside or what?"
Snish: "I liked the thorax best. It was really crunchy!"
Soda Popinski: "Ok, it's pretty obvious to me that I could feed you pure garbage and you would still enjoy it. So, I don't think the prospect of you liking my chocolate spaghetti is too far fetched."
Snish: "Thorrrrraaaaaxxxxx!"
Ok, he's not the greatest conversationalist, but he'll make a fine chocolate spaghetti taste tester. But there's no way I'm going to eat any of his Stupid American bugs or thoraxes, I'm not that drunk (yet). AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA! So the next person I've invited over is Domo-Kun, the little brown Japanese monster thing that nobody really knows much about. But he looked like a hungry guy, so I figured why not!
Soda Popinski: "Hi there Domo how are you... hey, what is that in your hands?
Domo-Kun: Domo bring RICE BOWL! Raaaaaaar!"
Soda Popinski: "Stupid brown monster, you're going to be eating chocolate spaghetti, you didn't need to bring anything else to eat with you!"
Domo-Kun: "RICE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"
Ok, I'm not gonna argue with a stupid brown monster that can barely even speak, I'm sure he'll eat the chocolate spaghetti when the time comes. Now that Popinski's guests have arrived, it's almost time to start preparing the greatest meal ever! But first, we need to look over what supplies we'll be using!
First we need a pot to cook the spaghetti in. I had to buy one of my own because the other one was already filled with "magic sand" by Roger. I told you he was stupid folks.
Roger: "Hey! Magic sand RULES! You put it in the water and you can make it look cool, and then when you take it out it's totally dry in your hands! It's like... MAGIC!"
Soda Popinski: "I stand by my original statement - he's a Stupid American."
Next on our list of supplies is a strainer! You see, once the spaghetti is done, you need to pour it out, but if you don't have one of these things, you'll just end up pouring it directly into your sink and then it will taste like crap. In Russia, after we drink, we piss into this and it makes the liquor drinkable once again... just like in the movie "Waterworld" where Kevin Costner has a piss-water filter on his boat! Well, you can still taste the piss a little bit when you use a strainer to filter your liquor... but that's only if you're not drunk already. I'm sure this is the first time you Stupid Americans have even heard of this concept. What would you do without the help of the Great Popinski huh? AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!
Roger: "Ok that's just gross. But one question, what the hell are you doing in the strainer anyway?"
Soda Popinski: "Shut it, geek boy! I had a little too much to drink and it was the best place for me to sleep at the moment! It was that or your toaster..."
Roger: "Ok, but proportionally speaking... either that's a GIANT strainer or you shrunk down your body-size during your slumber."
Soda Popinski: "Hey, you're the guy that writes this crap... blame yourself for all the loopholes in this crappy story!"
Ok, I never really understood why some people pour salt into the pot when they're making spaghetti. I think they're just trying to cure the boredom during the cooking process, so like Stupid American Fairies, they pretend to spread "magic pixie dust" all over their food.
Roger: "What!? People use salt on all sorts of stuff! What's wrong with you!?"
Soda Popinski: "So? I use preparation-h on a daily basis, that doesn't mean it's going to make a good dressing for my salad!"
Cheese is another thing a lot of people like to put on their spaghetti, but it's completely optional. You really can't even taste it with all of the great chocolate that the spaghetti is drowning in. But Roger insisted that I buy him some stupid cheese if he was going to try this meal. The only place that was open at the hour was a CVS, and of course they had the most expensive cheese: the Kraft kind. Now I'm going to have to enter another prize fight just to cover my monetary losses! Stupid Kraft!
Let's see what's next...
Roger: "HEY! Stay the hell out of our liquor cabinet!"
Soda Popinski: "Simmer down hot pants, I wasn't going to drink it!"
Roger: "Then why did you take it out?"
Soda Popinski: "Because I was going to explain to these people that in Russia, we don't boil our spaghetti in water. We boil it in Vodka! But since you didn't have any vodka, this whiskey was the closest thing."
Roger: "I am NOT going to eat spaghetti that was boiled in whiskey!"
Soda Popinski: "Fine! Gutless wimp."
One of the two ingredients that you absolutely MUST have when making chocolate spaghetti is... SPAGHETTI! I just buy the cheap store brand crap that sells for 50 cents or less. It tastes exactly the same to me. Then again, I'm drunk 24/7.
The other vital ingredient is the CHOCOLATE SYRUP! Again, I bought the generic store brand kind, but this bottle has a blue bird on it. What does this Stupid American Blue Bird have to do with my great chocolate syrup??? It's not saying anything! It's not doing anything! It's just smiling because it's next to the syrup! I bet it wants to eat it! Well, you are not invited to my dinner stupid bird! I will make you punch drunk if you try to eat my chocolate syrup! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!
Roger: "You know Soda, that laugh gets old REALLY fast"
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!"
Roger: "Why don't you shut the hell up?"
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!"
Roger: "SHUT UP YOU JACKASS!"
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!"
Roger: "I give up..."
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!"
He's so stupid, he cannot possibly argue with the Great Popinski! Ok, so we've got all of our supplies accounted for, it's now time to start preparing the greatest meal ever! LOOK OUT YOU STUPID SPAGHETTI-EATING FREAKS, CHEF POPINSKI IS HERE!
STEP 1
(if you didn't know this was the first thing to do, you are an idiot)
Ok, this is the part that I am a little iffy about. As I said before, we Popinski's cook our spaghetti in boiling vodka, not this Stupid American pansy tap water crap. But hey, if it will calm your stupid nerves, we'll go with the water. Fill your pot with water about พ of the way. Now you can't see it in the above picture, but when the pot filled up Roger was too weak to lift it by himself. So the GREAT POPINSKI had to lend him a hand.
Roger: "Asshole, you know damn well that's not true."
Soda Popinski: "Oh sure Roger, you keep telling yourself that. Think about it; who the hell are these people going to believe? You, the stupid guy with the pickle on his head, or me, the sexy Russian stud who can out-drink a horse?"
Roger: "You're not sexy. Your skin is pink!"
Soda Popinski: "So you have something against pink-skinned people? You racist!"
Roger: "What!? I'm not a racist I..."
Soda Popinski: "Zip it klan boy, or I'll smash a bottle over your head!"
Roger: "Whatever, just finish showing us how to make your goddamned spaghetti..."
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!"
STEP 2
(if you can't hold your hand over the flame for at least 2 minutes, you are a weakling)
Yes my stupid friends, now you must put the water over an open flame until it starts to boil. You know, I can't tell you how many times I've been in a bar fight and wished I had a pot of boiling water to throw on somebody. I did that in a professional bout once though, and although I was disqualified, I think of it as the greatest moment in my boxing career. AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!
STEP 3
(put the spaghetti in the pot. do NOT pour water into spaghetti box.)
Good god, when is he going to stop wearing that stupid Pickle Hat and Wacky Space Goggles? I'll never understand you Stupid Americans... never. Well anyway, once the water is boiling, put a handful of the spaghetti into the pot. Now you can lay it in the pot nicely, or you can stab it in like Roger is doing.
Roger: "I'm not stabbing it in, it just looks like that from the picture you took."
Soda Popinski: "We all know you have something against the pot, so you're stabbing it. Leave the poor pot alone and come fight someone your own size, like me!"
Roger: "I'm like 50 times bigger than you, genius."
Soda Popinski: "Your ego isn't! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!"
STEP 4
(stir... stir... stir like the wind!)
That's it you big stupid idiot, stir the spaghetti. You see people, you must stir the spaghetti in, otherwise it will come out uncooked. Now, I've had plenty of uncooked spaghetti during my life, but I've been drunk much more than any of you. If I was sober I'm sure I would realize just how bad it tasted.
Roger: "Gee, maybe we shouldn't be taking cooking advice from a self-proclaimed drunkard? Just a thought..."
Soda Popinski: "Get back to stirring, Suzie... you're baking me a pie next!"
STEP 5 (?)
(sprinkle your stupid salt in the pot)
I guess it doesn't really matter when the hell you put the salt in. In fact, it doesn't really matter if you do it or not. But, Roger obviously likes pretending he's a magical fairy who is sprinkling pixie dust all over his meal, so we'll just let him do it. Wow, it's really a sad thing to watch in person.
Roger: "I'll pour this in your friggin' eyes if you don't shut the hell up!"
Soda Popinski: "Whatever you say, Tinkerbell."
STEP 6
(when taste-testing, do not pour contents of pot into mouth)
An important part of the cooking process is the taste test. Now there's a lot of stupids out there who will tell you to use a "timer" when cooking things like spaghetti. But this is NOT how a true genius creates a masterpiece like CHOCOLATE SPAGHETTI! You must take out a strand of spaghetti with your wooden spoon and then taste it. But I would recommend using a spoon that you don't spank yourself with on a daily basis. Unfortunately, Rog has yet to take that advice. What a stupid freak!
Roger: "Popinski, I've got so much shit on you from all of your drunken stupors, I could ruin your entire career. So here's an idea... SHUT UP."
Soda Popinski: "Too late! I've just sold the rights to my upcoming book, Soda Popinski: The Life Of A Super Great Man, in which I tell EVERYTHING!"
Roger: "How the hell can you write a book? You can't even pass a drunk driving test!"
Soda Popinski: "How can you run a web site? You can't even wipe your ass properly!"
Roger: "You've been watching me wipe my ass?"
Soda Popinski: "No but that smell sure as hell isn't the spaghetti! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA! Now quit holding that strand of spaghetti in the air while it collects every germ that's floating around in the atmosphere and EAT IT!"
Ok, moving on... once the spaghetti is cooked to perfection it is time to remove the pot from the stove. But be careful, those pots can be hot, so you might want to wear a glove of some sort for protection!
Roger: "What!? What am I doing wrong now oh holy chef?"
Soda Popinski: "You call THAT a glove?"
Roger: "I call it a plaid oven mitt, got a problem with it?"
Soda Popinski: "You're damned right I do, STUPID AMERICAN! You cannot handle something as awesome as Chocolate Spaghetti with a mere sissy-boy oven mitt!"
Roger: "Oh really? Then what the hell am I supposed to use!?"
Soda Popinski: "Did you see the suitcase I brought with me?"
Roger: "Uh yeah..."
Soda Popinski: "What do you think is in it stupid?"
Roger: "Gee, lemme guess... more liquor?"
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA! No, I already drank all of it. But there is one more thing in it. Why don't you go open it and find out."
Roger: "OH...MY...GOD!"
Soda Popinski: "Yes, Stupid American... it is the ultimate glove. THE POWER GLOVE!"
Roger: "It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!"
Soda Popinski: "Go ahead, try it on!"
Roger: "Really???"
Soda Popinski: "Hurry up stupid, before I sober up and change my mind!"
Roger: "Well ok, here goes nothing..."
ROG NOW HAS THE POWER!
Roger: "I FEEL... BAD. I FEEL... INVINCIBLE!"
Soda Popinski: "NOW ROGER, SHOW THAT SPAGHETTI WHO'S BOSS!"
STEP 7
(pour spaghetti into strainer)
Go Rog! You've got the power! The power to strain the spaghetti into a sink! Now normally I would be crying at this point since I use vodka to cook my spaghetti, but the water going down the sink drain doesn't even phase me. It shouldn't phase you either, unless you're some kind of boiling-water-drinking crazy man. Stupid American! Now pour that spaghetti onto the plate and let's get that chocolate syrup going!
STEP 8
(quit pouring it in your mouth and pour it on the spaghetti!)
You gotta pour that syrup on THICK if you truly want to enjoy the chocolate spaghetti experience! And don't forget your cheese, sprinkle on your stupid cheese too if it makes you happy. We wouldn't want to have an unhappy taste-tester now would we? Stupid!
THE MEAL IS FINALLY READY TO SERVE!
(Do you see the puddle of chocolate syrup near the top of the plate? Good!
It comes in very handy for dipping the spaghetti in for more chocolaty goodness!)
Soda Popinski: "So who will be the first to test out my super Chocolate Spaghetti?"
Domo-Kun: "Raaaaaaar!"
Snish: "I'm still chewing on that thorax! Damned good stuff!"
Roger: "Eugh, I guess that means I'm the one who has to eat this crap first."
Soda Popinski: "Quit whining and eat it you Stupid American Pansy!"
"This looks REALLY nasty, I think I'm gonna puke!"
"@#%)*@#%)!^&^$%!@%^(@!$!!!!!!!!"
Roger: "That was without a doubt the WORST meal I have ever had!!!!!!!!!"
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA! STUPID GULLIBLE AMERICAN! OF COURSE IT TASTED LIKE CRAP! IT WAS ALL A JOKE ON STUPID AMERICAN YOU!!!! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA!"
Roger: "NOT funny Popinski... NOT funny at all! Well I'll be damned if I'm gonna be the only one to eat this shit. Snish, it's your turn! EAT UP!"
Snish: "I like the plate best! It tastes really good! The spaghetti is ok, but the plate! Wow, I need to eat more plate! PLAAAAAAATE!"
Roger: "What the!?@$!@?! What the hell is wrong with you!? Goddamnit, ok... Domo! Get your ass over here, it's time for you to eat the chocolate spaghetti!"
Domo-Kun: "Raaaaaaar! NO EAT! DOMO NO LIKE CHOCOLATE SPAGHETTI!"
Roger: "But you're one of the taste testers! You HAVE to eat it!"
Domo-Kun: "Raaaaaaar! DOMO EAT RICE! NOT SPAGHETTI! Raaaaaaar!"
Roger: "Listen you little turd monster! I just shoved my mouth full of this chocolate spaghetti crap because I was one of the taste testers. And yes, it is a big joke on me, but I'll be damned if I'm the only one who's going to eat this crap and hate it in front of thousands of I-Mockery viewers! So eat it now or I'll shove it down your throat myself with the power glove!"
Domo-Kun: "MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Roger: "Mama? Huh!?"
"ME MAMA DOMO! RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"
Mama-Domo: "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"
Roger: "OH SHIT! LISTEN MAMA DOMO, I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT FORCING HIM TO EAT, I SWEAR! HERE, YOU CAN HAVE HIM BACK! HE'S YOUR KID! I WAS JUST JOKING!"
Mama-Domo: "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"
Roger: "I GAVE YOU BACK YOUR KID! WHY ARE YOU STILL MAD???"
Mama-Domo: "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!"
Roger: "HEY! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! AHHHHHH!"
Soda Popinski: "AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA! This was the greatest prank ever! It worked out far better than I could have imagined! Not only did I get to make him eat something horrible like Chocolate Spaghetti in front of all of you, but my prank also ended up leaving him unconscious on the floor in a puddle of his own blood! You know what? I think this calls for a tribute to me..."
SODA POPINSKI: THE GREATEST PRANKSTER ON EARTH!
the end.
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