Embedded Files
Life with a closeted trans spouse, Part 1
Life with a closeted trans spouse, Part 1
TL;DR... I'm sorry I didn't see you
TL;DR... I'm sorry I didn't see you
October 23, 2018 Liz
My worries about my struggling spouse began long before I knew what her struggle was about. People wonder sometimes if I knew Ellie was trans before she told me—some people find an odd satisfaction in detecting that someone is a sex/gender minority, I guess?—but I honestly had no idea that her gender identity was such a frustrating part of her life. Still, I knew something was keeping her down.
Why didn't I know? Well, to begin with, I was almost completely ignorant about topics like gender identity, gender dysphoria, hormone replacement therapy, or social transition. I think I was familiar with maybe one fictional character who was trans, and I had only gotten as far as asking "how is that even a thing?" and speculating briefly about the character's romantic/sex life before I moved on to the many other things claiming my attention.
Even if I had known about trans folks, I don't know if I would have guessed Ellie's struggle was based in her gender dysphoria. We've been through so much together that her depression could easily have been explained by external stress. Raising our first child, finishing grad school, and piecing together a living out of part-time jobs all at once was chaotic; the stress of graduating into a recession with newborn twins and no job market defies description.
We were so sleep deprived, for example, that it took two years to work out that my daily digestive torture was due to lactose intolerance. It took a couple years after that to get a diagnosis for my hypothyroidism. We gave the babies and toddler our best around the clock, and did our second best with the multiple part-time jobs—Ellie with various music venues, and myself working multiple college adjunct positions. The needs of our kids and the lack of job security took most of our attention, and at that point I don't know that I could have discerned the difference between exhaustion, career-related depression, and something running deeper.
Ellie's struggle was definitely overshadowed by the challenges we faced as a family, but was probably hidden more by her habits and character. I have known for a long time that the person I married was prone to self-sacrifice for the people around them: my career and the kids' education had been family priorities for quite some time, and she has always been a constant, quiet source of support and care for the people around her. I'm the family complainer; Ellie listens to me gripe, but has historically kept her thoughts and frustrations very much to herself.
I wonder, now, how much those habits were really due to her introversion (as I have always assumed), and how much they are a product of the careful self-restraint she has practiced her whole life, trying to be what people expected regardless of what it cost her. The reliable son, the skilled and prepared Boy Scout, the faithful husband and father: all of these were both truly the person I love and... not actually her. Faithfulness is part of her core. She will never not be prepared. Her very reliability and the responsibility she takes for supporting others is so integral to her character that it delayed her coming out for years, and it would have kept her from transitioning if doing so meant losing her wife and children.
Trans folks, especially those surrounded by people who have no idea what trans identification and gender dysphoria are like, often can't afford to let their struggles become visible. Our world has had little understanding or sympathy for trans people's suffering; their choices have historically been to either play the part and meet our expectations, or try be true to themselves while relegated to the sidelines of polite society. The third option is to give up altogether—hence the shockingly high rate of attempted suicide, often estimated at around 40%.
I'm so glad you're still here... I'm sorry I didn't see you.
Google Sites
Report abuse