Click here for a yellow box containing a broad-brush overview of the stages, then scroll down for more detail below.
Begin with L ‘Load’ and work through the acronym until the end, each time writing or speaking until you feel that you’ve said everything you need to. You may find that some steps naturally start to blend into each other and that’s fine, just make sure that you have covered all steps.
If you find that it’s difficult, or for some other reason it doesn’t feel right to generate empathy for the other person, you may skip this step, come back to it later or just focus on self-empathy, though to get the full benefit of the exercise you should work through all steps.
If you struggle to generate empathy for the other person, this may be a clue that there is something from the earlier steps that needs more attention, so you may like to try looping back and starting with Load again, then Action and Self-Empathy - potentially repeating this sequence as needed.
It might be difficult to generate empathy for yourself, but this is an important part of the practice, so do spend more time with this one if you need to.
Remember that it’s designed to help you, so do adapt/discard as you see fit.
L = LOAD
This is the place to offload, to vent and maybe even rant about the other person - to relieve yourself of any emotional load you are carrying and make space for reflection.
What judgements are you holding about the other person?
What are all the beliefs you have about this other person or group of people?
*Note that this step can feel uncomfortable for some as holding judgements is often seen as something negative that we shouldn’t be doing. The beauty of this step is in uncovering these in a safe space where we won’t be judged for having judgements. This helps offload some of the weight and shed light on judgements we are holding and what really matters to us.
A = ACTION
Now describe specifically what the other person has done that has created this load for you.
Describe as though from the perspective of a neutral observer.
Concretely and objectively, what they have said, done or not done?
S = SELF-EMPATHY
Now is the time to generate empathy for yourself. If it helps you, you can use breathing/awareness techniques such as RAIN or mindful breathing to hold difficult emotions arising in you with tenderness and care.
How do you feel when you think about this person’s actions?
What is important for you in this situation?
Are there any needs that aren’t being met for you?
What really matters to you here and what values is this highlighting?
E = EMPATHY
Here, we generate empathy for the other person. By trying to understand why they did what they did, we may also be able to generate compassion towards them. This stage may also generate questions we would like to ask the other person to check or increase our understanding.
How might the other person be feeling?
What is important to them in this situation, and what need or value might they be trying to meet in taking this action?
Is there anything else which may explain why they did what they did?
Can you identify common values beneath actions that you might not have taken yourself?
R = REFLECT + REQUESTS
Reflect on how you feel now.
Do you feel differently to before the start of this exercise?
Has anything shifted for you in terms of your perception of the other person and their actions?
Are there any requests that you would like to make to the other person?
It’s fine if there aren’t, but if there are, you may like to think about what they are and how you might like to express them to the other person. This guide has suggestions for having a conversation with someone.
