Jerri Harrell
Ruth looked out the window as she tapped her fingers on the chestnut wood dining table. It
sounded as if she was searching for the right beat. Her mother rummaging through pots and pans
in the kitchen added to the rhythm, except there would be no uniting for a symphony. The sounds
of sticks scraping the pavement caught Ruth’s attention. There were a few children playing
outside. She couldn’t imagine why their parents would allow them to hang out in this frigid
weather. It couldn’t have been any more than 30 degrees. The sun already set about an hour ago
and it would only get colder. Well, that’s their problem she thought. I have my own.
Ruth wasn’t as excited as her mother about moving into the new neighborhood, but she had
to admit, it was much better than living in the projects. At least the streets were clean and there
were some nice two-family houses across the way. Ruth knew that meant most of the people
worked every day at some kind of job. Not a lot of hanging on the corners, or on their porches.
Her small brick apartment building was located on a side street, so there was not a lot of traffic
coming through. For Jersey City, it was like they had their own private hide-away. But Ruth
didn’t really care because she and Marvin would be getting their own place very soon and she
couldn’t wait.
The fishy aroma drifted into Ruth’s nostrils slowly gliding upward. Oh my God, she thought.
Why does my mother have to cook fish just because it’s Friday? Who invented that shit anyway?
Ruth detested fish and seafood of any kind. Maybe it was because of the time Sammy, one of her
mother’s many boyfriends insisted they eat at this shady, hole-in–the wall restaurant. He claimed
it was his cousin Eddie’s and the food was insane. It was insane alright, Ruth couldn’t stop
vomiting for a week. She almost had to be admitted to the hospital for dehydration. Now that I’m
eighteen, I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and with whomever I want, she thought.
The idea of her and Marvin cooking together every night gave her an adrenaline rush.
The sound of the phone ringing reminded Ruth of what she was so impatiently awaiting. She
ran through the tiny hallway and picked up the light blue phone before her mother answered.
“Hello?” Ruth said slightly out of breath.
“Hey baby….you cool? Everything aright?” asked a deep voice with a smoker’s huskiness.
“Yeah Marvin, I’m good. Just excited about seeing you” she said while checking out the
corner of her eye to make sure her mother wasn’t listening.
“Cool. Meet me at the usual” Marvin said with a grimy chuckle.
“Okay, see you in 20!”
As Ruth grabbed her handbag and down jacket to head out the door, a figure appeared in the
kitchen doorway. Catching Ruth off guard, her mother stared in silence. Her piercing brown eyes
penetrated that barrier Ruth so intricately built…piece by piece…layer by layer…year after year.
Ruth suddenly felt transparent. In that precise moment her fortress had been shattered into little
tiny pieces. Uneasiness escorting her out the front door, Ruth slowly turned to avoid further eye
contact and mumbled, “I’ll be back soon”.
“Wait a minute hon…please, can we talk for a minute?
“Not now mother, I really need to go….a friend is waiting for me” Ruth said with a
suspicion of guilt.
“I know what you’re doing Ruth! Please listen to me….it won’t get you anywhere! Only
pain and suffering…Please sweetheart….I’m begging you! Believe me, I KNOW! Just a few
minutes and I can tell you about what happened….” Ruth was out the door before her mother
could finish her sentence. As Ruth started her car, her mother appeared again. This time, the
front door of the apartment building, framing her tiny body. Heated tears, showering the paved
steps, her tired face, clear in Ruth’s rearview mirror, lips mouthing the words “I LOVE YOU”.
The traffic on Interstate 78 wasn’t too bad considering it was a Friday evening. By 7pm,
What was left of the 9-5 “Big Apple” employees were slowly making their way home. Ruth, still
Trying to make sense of what just happened needed to clear her mind, and quickly. Damn, I need
a cigarette she thought. After digging through her pocketbook for a few minutes, she finally felt
the rectangular Benson & Hedges box. Inhaling the first puff eased her nerves a bit, but the rest
didn’t do much. “When Doves Cry” was playing on the radio. Ruth turned it up and started
to sing.
“How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that’s so cold (so cold)….
“Damn, get out of my mind mother!” Ruth mumbled with annoyance.
“Maybe I’m too demanding…. Not tonight, Ruth thought. I love Prince and his music,
but ain’t feeling it right now, she thought as she abruptly turned the radio off.
The winter’s chill slapped her cheek as she quickly rolled up the window after throwing
out her cigarette butt. Ruth signaled and slowly pulled into the familiar motel parking lot.
The Holiday Inn closest to Holland Tunnel had a back parking lot, so you couldn’t see cars from
the street. This was the one where she always met Marvin. Small snow banks covered with soot
were a reminder of the recent winter storm. Ruth circled around and pulled into the space next
to Marvin’s blue and white Lincoln. Her car was nowhere near as nice as his, but it got her where
she needed to go. Uncle Elroy was nice enough to help her get it, being he was a mechanic and
all.
Heading up the stairs to room one ten, Ruth felt so proud of herself. She was able
to deal with Marvin belonging to her only part of the time. His wife was a bitch and he
needed to get the pressure of her whining and complaining off his back. Pretty soon, he won’t
have to worry about her ass anymore and I won’t have to wait, seeing him only when he can get
away. He may even ask ME to marry him, who knows? Ruth thought.
Ruth raised her fist to knock, but the door opened before she had a chance.
“Hey sweetheart, come on in. I have a surprise for you!” said Marvin with a sudden
commander tone he probably picked up from his military days. Ruth loved hearing his stories
about being an officer in the army. He talked about combat and what he saw in Vietnam.
It’s so sad what Marvin had to go through during the war. It still affects him today. My right arm
never totally healed from that night he woke up screaming and fighting. He
believed he was under attack and I was the enemy, she remembered.
Marvin’s breath, laced with alcohol quickly returned Ruth to the present. She was sure he
polished off a fifth of vodka before she even got there. Ruth smiled coyly and walked in the
room. Looking around, she cautiously placed her handbag and coat on an empty chair.
“Ruth, always remember to carry Lysol with you when you go to any motel. You can’t begin
to imagine the germs in those places. Believe me, I KNOW!” she heard her mother’s
voice screaming at her in repulsion. Ruth didn’t want to even think about her mother right now,
but for some reason it seemed like she kept being reminded.
She buried the thought. Always did. She became a master at concealing everything she didn’t
want to feel or deal with. Not sure when it all started. She just knew she was good at it.
“Come here girl. Look at what Daddy’s got” Marvin said while taking another sip of vodka.
Marvin had the coke already cut and laid out on the table.
“Isn’t that the most beautiful site? Let’s go ahead babe and get comfortable, cause I just
wanna lay back and enjoy this high.”
Ruth’s eyes were fixated on him as he started to remove his clothes. She could tell that his love
affair with alcohol and cocaine were starting to take a toll on his body. Marvin’s much older than
me, that’s why his body’s changing, Ruth rationalized. The once smooth, clear cocoa brown skin
slowly disappeared into an ashy overcast. His broad shoulders caved inward and ribs poked
through his torso.
She followed his lead and stripped down to her underwear. Ruth grabbed the
straw, leaned over and took more than half of the first line. Any additional would have called in
an unwelcomed nosebleed. A pint of Captain Morgan’s rum sat on the dresser next to the King
size bed. Ruth knew Marvin bought that just for her. It was her favorite and the gesture made her
feel special. As Ruth poured some of the Captain into a shot glass, Marvin went through another
line. He always kept some pills around too. Ruth didn’t know all of the names, but remembered
what they looked like and most importantly how each one made her feel. She grabbed the small
plastic bag next to the cocaine and picked out a few that looked familiar. Ruth already felt a
buzz and these little babies would set it off just right she thought. After throwing back some
more rum, she collapsed on the bed ready to enjoy the escape. Marvin was a blur in motion.
Ruth finally felt free. Her mind clear. Floating upwards she could see the clouds. Reaching
out to grasp the giant cotton ball, it floated through her hands. She smiled...giggling a little.
Now she’s somewhere else. Her heart pulsating, she can feel an ebb and flow. Escape…escape
that’s what I have to do she chimes. The clouds began to change colors. White to blue to purple.
The sun was setting a beautiful reddish orange and started to get closer. Warmth, heat, fire.
The lava burned Ruth’s legs as the volcano erupted. They melted into shapeless globs of flesh.
She couldn’t see clearly now. All the beautiful balls of puffed light were gone. Ruth wanted to
escape, but now she felt lost. She was scared and wanted to leave. It wasn’t fun anymore. The
freedom disappeared and torment so graciously replaced it. She started searching for a way back,
but didn’t recognize anything. Darkness enveloped her and she was chained to its grip.
“Please help me! Someone please help me!” Ruth screamed over and over with a deafening
cry. She humbly wept. It seemed like forever, until a soft, warm hand gently touched her arm.
Her eyes suddenly opened. She wildly thrashed her arms about. Inhaling, gasping and coughing
for air until faintness won. Ruth unexpectedly felt the warmth of a hand again. A muffled
ambulance siren playing in the background, slithers of air tickling her nostrils, unknown tubes
taped to her nose and arms. A familiar face coming in and out of focus until she knew. Her mom.
Embracing Ruth with her tender smile, she whispered, “I love you”. Ruth couldn’t hear her, but
she read her lips. She felt safe again.
“I love you too” Ruth feebly mouthed back.
Her mom looked at her with tearful eyes and said “I KNOW”. Ruth no longer wanted to
reconstruct that barrier. She was fine with it down. It felt good.