Published Saturday, September 5th
This post was inspired in part by watching two films within 24 hours. The first was Caught Stealing, a new release (August 29, 2024) based on the book of the same name by Charlie Huston, starring Austin Butler (an actor I first noticed as the star of the mesmerizing biopic Elvis).
The second was Karate Kid II. I saw Caught Stealing in a movie theater (obviously, it's a new release) and Karate Kid II on a small screen on a short flight from New York to Chicago.
The inspirational factor that melded and blended these two stories in my head during my travels was the struggle to answer the question: What is the best approach for standing up to bullies?
Left: Noriyuki "Pat" Morita (June 28, 1932 – November 24, 2005), kung fu hero "Mister Miyagi" of the Karate Kid franchise. Right: Austin Butler, born August 17, 1991 (age 34 years). Butler played "Elvis" (2022) and Hank Thompson in the film adaptation of novelist and screenwriter Charlie Huston's Caught Stealing (August 2025).
This is not a film review, but there will be many spoilers.
Hank Thompson is a former star baseball player with a big love for the (New York) Giants, who works in a bar in Manhattan's Lower East Side. Hank calls his mother, who lives on the opposite coast and shares his Giants fixation, a LOT. He has a drinking problem and nightmares from the self-made drunk driving accident that killed his unbuckled best friend and ruined his sporting career. In other words, he has a conscience. He also has a beautiful, sexy, and loyal girlfriend named Yvonne (Zoë Kravitz). I'll overlook this trope; this is clearly not about women heroes. Yvonne gives Hank space to become the best version of himself. That she is killed for his role in helping him, despite his continuing lack of commitment, and before he can pledge his undying love to her, is the spark that sets Hank's character up for a trajectory into a book trilogy.
Mr. Miyagi is an aging Japanese kung fu master who works as a handyman in an apartment building in a diverse (low-income) neighborhood in Los Angeles. He is sensei to a persistent and sincere martial arts student (Danny, an Italian American living with his widowed mom in Miyagi's building). In KKI, Miyagi helps Danny deal with a bully who is the jealous ex-girlfriend of Danny's crush. In KK II, Miyagi goes home (a fishing village in Okinawa), for the first time in his 40+ years as an immigrant, to see his dying father. He agrees to let Danny accompany him. Miyagi confides to the curious and insistent Danny details of his tragic love affair with Yukie. Yukie was supposed to marry Miyagi's best friend, Sato. But she preferred Miyagi. This was what caused Miyagi to leave Okinawa (it was a matter of honor). Please help me overlook this trope, too.
So far, there is a mix of parallel and divergence in our heroes' stories. Hank is young, Miyagi is old, but both have specific mastery of skills that did not lead to a 'successful' career. Both have loyal women who waited for them to 'come home' but who ended up dead (Yvonne), and alone (Yukie had to stay in Okinawa, although she wanted to go back with Miyagi and Danny to the U.S.) Both have an unusually strong bond with someone who is very different than them. With Miyagi, it is his friendship with the much younger (and white) Danny. With Hank, it is his unusual affinity with his neighbor's cat, Buddy. Buddy was the technical cause of Hank's hero trajectory because he was looking after the cat while his neighbor was away, which led to mobsters chasing him around for intel in the first place.
Sato, the Friend who Bullies
There is a culture of honor in Japan (and other countries, but this is not a history textbook). According to textbooks, this is in part due to the influence of Confucian values, which emphasize loyalty, duty, and social harmony. Aspiration to these values manifests in societal behaviors such as symbolic shows of respect for certain groups (example, the elderly) and classes (authority figures) of people, and a collective mindset of not wanting to let others down. In the case of Sato and Mr. Miyagi, who were best friends from childhood, this culture led to their estrangement due to a rigidly hierarchical approach to man-woman relationships.
I'm going to try to explain this as if you were a child. I do not mean to talk down to you (in my own hierarchy, children rank very highly).
Sato was supposed to marry Yukie, but Yukie and Mr. Miyagi loved each other. Yukie did not love Sato, so she did not want to marry Sato. She wanted to marry Mr. Miyagi. But because of the laws of honor, her destiny was bound to Sato, and their friends and neighbors all expected she would get married to him; it was the "right" thing to do in their opinions because nobody wanted to let down Sato, or go against the traditional customs which they felt preserved their society, keeping them safe and prosperous.
Mr. Miyagi himself did not want to let down Sato, who was his very good friend. In order not to let down Sato, Mr. Miyagi had to leave his home country so that the marriage of his love to his best friend could happen as expected. (Yukie could not bear to marry Sato while Mr Miyagi was around.) He (or Yukie) could also have chosen to commit suicide, which in traditional Japanese/samurai culture was at least tolerated if not seen as an honorable choice in certain situations.
So when Mr. Miyagi went to live in the U.S., he did not try to contact Yukie. He assumed she had married Sato. Meanwhile, Yukie decided not to marry at all. I am glad she had the choice because I have an idea what it is like to be married to someone you did not choose to marry with your whole heart. But Yukie's choice dishonored Sato even more. Her absence from his life was a constant reminder to the whole town that he had been dishonored by the two people who should have behaved the most honorably towards him. His nephew (Chozen) was also a big disappointment. Chozen was heir to Sato's family heritage because Sato had no sons of his own. Chozen was not an honorable person. He was a bully and a cheat, but Sato had raised him to be like his own son, so he had to tolerate Chozen's bad behavior, at least within certain limits. Sato's life was filled with dishonor. He was very unhappy. He forgot what it means to love.
The Crooked Cop, the "Twins," et al
Unlike Karate Kid II, there were a lot of bullies from different families in Caught Stealing. I will focus on two. The first is Detective Elise (a form of the name Elizabeth, as in Queen Elizabeth) Roman, the attractive Black policewoman who is investigating the attack by the first set of bullies who chased and tortured Hank to obtain information on his drug-dealing friend and neighbor. There is much honor in this story, too; forgive me as I keep coming back to it.
Detective Roman is an authority figure in this story. I do not believe she was accidentally named Elise Roman, but you are not a child, so I will not tell you what those names mean to me or what they might mean to the original teller of this story.
As Roman interviews Hank, she is very polite, but she questions him as if he were a suspect in the case and not the victim. As she talks to Hank, she is watching him closely, as a good detective should, for any signs that he is lying. Our reluctant hero is innocent, which shows on his face. He keeps asking Roman if she is kidding, because he can't believe she would think him capable of doing the things she is suggesting he might have done. Of course, a detective knows that people are usually very adept at lying, especially criminals, and most especially the ones who are not yet in prison for their crimes, and she keeps on questioning his honor, saying, "You never know what'll pop."
This was possibly my favorite scene in the movie, that first encounter between Hank and Roman. It was a turning point for our hero, who later used the same techniques he observed her use to trick her into letting something "pop."
The "twin" bullies in Caught Stealing (Lipa and Shmully Drucker) are portrayed by actors Liev Schreiber and Vincent D'Onofrio, respectively. They are not twins, but they look and dress alike because they are Hasidic Jews, and because the actors do not look very much alike and are not Hasidic, they wear identical (to me) sets of false hair, which makes them look much more alike.
Note: In the original novel by Charlie Huston, the equivalent characters were not Hasidic. The change was made for the film adaptation directed by Darren Aronofsky (whose parents were of Polish-Jewish descent).
The surname Drucker has an interesting meaning with respect to these twin/copycat characters. Look it up if you like and tell me what you think. It's important to note that historically, Jewish gangsters in New York came from poor, secular immigrant backgrounds, where they turned to crime to get ahead. The Hasidic community, by contrast, is known for its strict religious observance and insular social structures, which are generally incompatible with a life of organized, violent crime.
Watching these two films provided me with a memorable cautionary tale of how attitudes can spread, copying like a virus from one person to another. In that scene with Detective Roman and Hank Thompson, we see Hank learning (quickly) from Roman how to be deceptive and manipulative. With the Karate Kid story, the copying is a slower and gentler process. The thing is that destructive attitudes are easier to copy! It's generally so much easier to tear down than to build up. I learned that very early in my sand-castle building career on Jamaican beaches in the late 1960s. Luckily, both Danny and Sato imbibed Mr. Miyagi's steadfast patience and forgiving nature, and eventually they began to understand and to practice patience and forgiveness too.
Take-away: There's just no early payday, instant gratification, or magic bullet in the process of spiritual development.
Back to my original question: What is the best approach for standing up to bullies? Patience is key. Don't react in kind (i.e., don't fall into the trap of copying their actions), but don't make changes just to accommodate their behavior and 'make peace.' If you change one time, you'll have to keep doing it because the bullying won't stop. This was my own approach for many years, living with family members who weren't speaking to each other, and it did not help.
I have found it useful to practice setting boundaries instead of rules. A rule is something you ask someone else to do to conform to your expectations. A boundary is an expectation you set for yourself (and keep) that says what you will do if and when someone says or does something that falls outside the limits of your own definitions of what is spiritually or ethically just. But this approach falls a little short, because it all depends on what your definitions are. Here is the advice I give myself, in furtherance of setting my own boundaries (feel free to copy).
Be a Buddy (like the cat Hank adopted) and never try to make people do things. Be aware that folks are always watching you and may be copying or at least mirroring your actions. Smile at people and smile harder when they smile back. If they don't, just move along and keep your head up, like the regal kitty-cat.
An Egyptian Cat Statue
Last words: The phenomenon dubbed 'cultural assimilation' is, of course, nothing new. Classic experiments in social psychology provide compelling evidence of how people conform to group pressure and authority, altering their behavior and language to fit in. This doesn't mean that people who embrace the dominant culture are necessarily bullies. Chances are, they are simply another copy-cat version in a copy-cat world where individual success is a thing, but individual thinking is not.
As a word/language-lover and an adult immigrant to the U.S., I have been particularly interested in studies about Accommodation Theory (which explains how people adjust their speech to resemble that of their conversation partner) and Cultural frame-switching (a phenomenon that demonstrates how language is deeply tied to cultural contexts and can influence a person's expression of their personality).
References:
Communication Accommodation Theory, Howard Giles and Tania Ogay, University of California, Santa Barbara (downloadable PDF)
Sociolinguistics (from EBSCO website; an overview of the science; defines key terms)
Cultural Frame Switching, No, S. (2013), in The Encyclopedia of Cross-Cultural Psychology, K.D. Keith (Ed.)
9/7/25
PS. I am driven to explore what odd virtue precisely is involved in this thesis on bullying and honor. Honor itself is a concept I don't feel I have understood with my whole being. The dictionary gives two related meanings. 1: high respect; great esteem. 2: adherence to what is right or to a conventional standard of conduct. That makes perfect sense, as someone who adheres to what is right would seem to me to be someone worthy of respect/esteem/honor (and emulation!). Because mere shows of respect are nothing without action, which is a proof of both understanding and intent.
But what is it that we should emulate or copy from such an honorable person? Is it their mannerisms, their language, their lifestyle choices? The way they treat their parents or raise their children? Their beliefs about God or spirituality, or their manifestations of cultural heritage?
I think it has to be more basic than that. I think a truly honorable person must have some deep connection to the source of their being. They must have, to not be swayed by the "changes and chances of this fleeting world" (from the Night Prayer, in the Anglican Church's Book of Common Prayer). The existence of an honorable person inspires others to seek their own purpose and grow in faith and understanding. I'm reminded of the song below, which I learned as a young adult in the United Methodist Church in Jamaica.
The Tree Song (1978)
I saw a tree by a riverside
One day as I walked along
Straight as an arrow and pointing to the sky
Growing tall and strong
How do you grow so tall and strong?
I said to the riverside tree
This is the song that my tree friend sang to me.
I've got roots growing down to the water
I've got leaves growing up to the sunshine
And the fruit that I bear is a sign of life in me
I am shade from the hot summer sun-down
I am nest for the birds of the heaven
I'm becoming what the Lord of trees has meant me to be
A strong young tree.
I saw a tree in the city streets
Where buildings block the sun
Green and lovely I could see
It gave joy to everyone
How do you grow in the city streets?
I said to the downtown tree
This is the song that my tree friend sang to me.
I've got roots growing down to the water
I've got leaves growing up to the sunshine
And the fruit that I bear is a sign of life in me
I am shade from the hot summer sun-down
I am nest for the birds of the heaven
I'm becoming what the Lord of trees has meant me to be
A strong young tree.
-- Lyrics by Evie Tornq