You're so Blind (Non/Semi - Lyrical Edit) [WIP]
Eyes on my design, there is no shine, gleam, or glow.
You admire your reflection. Bouncing off my eyes,
off my mouth, off my time, off my lies, and off my smile.
And the absence of sight seems to be the only thing rooted in you,
implicit through your performance.
So you lay your eyes on me
and yet all you can see is your reflection off me.
If only you had eyes and weren't so blind,
You could see past my projection, because its a false display, and your the monster looking at me.
Sometimes I think you just like to see the vision of yourself that I forged for you.
I shape the knives you shoved into me, made them look like rainbows and your shadows that cast over me now look like a spot light.
Because I never want to show you how much you hurt me.
If the reflection that you saw off of me was real...
The devil himself could look into me and see an Angel looking back at him in the refraction I made for him.
Be present. Don't blink, its another guise which will not be moved.
Behind all the lies, underlies all the knives rotting in their place along my core.
Into my heart, up and through my skull.
Way too many to keep score that's one of the few things that I can know for sure.
Disrupting my mind, no sleep, I'm and now I'm too weak, and I'm struggling to not let all my pillars split apart.
If only you had eyes and weren't so blind,
my decline would send shivers down your spine,
If only you had eyes and weren't so blind,
its a dumb disguise but you don't have eyes and your so damn blind,
why is pain so quiet
past the smiles that i want to inspire
another disguise and it buys more time
if only you had eyes and weren't so blind,
You'll see how much it hurt me.
The cost of being able to see
and now im under a sea of time, whats the point of my eyes if Im drowning
Is it really clear or are things hiding between the shadows of my of my never ending flame
its not your fault because I keep hiding,
but if only you had eyes and weren't so blind,
[You'd see] I bear a broken mind and wear an inviting smile
Its been a life time job working in this circus and playing this same act
Some of you have been watching for a really long time
but your eyes are still hollow and you still see nothing,
I Don't Love Myself
Every path I go down, is a dead end for me, watching people pass, they pick me like a little flower along their ways, in line with their destinations, like if I was built to please.
They tell me to love myself, how important I was to them, but I was never important to myself.
I'm just a bench along your road, here to take your ass.
And built to please. Built to heal. Built to be here on my knees.
Kneeling so I don't displease. Here is a place for you to lean.
And I don't love myself, because the only passion for me, is the passion life has showing me, that I belong nowhere else. No other scene or setting. So I can't help, when I look at what ensues every time I put on a show...
Now presenting me, it's a circus, empty as can be
Built to entertain, to give, to glow.
To show.
Show you how to live again
You're always welcome to stay.
But you'll always go....
And the reality is I'll always set up myself along your path…
This was no accident
Yes this circus moves
I go to you
because no one would come to me
Just a joke, it's true.
I entertain you
Admission to my heart is free
I'll take the expense of having you
Because there is no other way to have you
Lay your world upon my back
Ill hold it still for you while you enjoy everything I built for you
I made sure you have a nice view
So enjoy your break, must be nice to unwind without all that weight on you
Because while you lay your eyes, on the circus and its shimmer
Your world is at war with mine
This weight only grew
With it the pain I had to bear on my back
Rain poured harder on the big top
So I played harder, dancing with two worlds on my back,
And a war out back, just to drown out the pain
I meant the rain… Maybe if I play hard enough, ill be louder than it all
This is all a display, and its so good at blinding you. You can't even see the blood dripping down the walls.
And when you leave, you never noticed the fire behind you
Only the ashes falling down the path in front of you, keep looking forward because behind you was me and you stayed long enough to know what that means.
The circus was only the heart of me, belonging to me
Just a small part of me
Everything else was also a part of me
Remember don’t look back I'm behind you, all in your past, while your past stays with me. And it stains me… My heart is drenched and my body on fire.
All the pain was for me, and I took the cost,
This was a game about value, and I had none. And you had it all, so you took it all. All from me.
Time was complementary, so you wasted it all.
And yet I'm told to love me.
But don’t you see now?
Every path I go down is a dead end for me, watching people pass, they pick me like a little flower, in line with their destinations, like if I was built to please.
Was I really meant to be? Anything?
They tell me to love myself, how important I was to them, but I was never important to myself
I'm just a bench along your road, here to take your ass.
My body’s on fire, set aflame, everything burns, everything burns…
Drenched my heart with the coldest things. Poured all over me, leaving my heart intact from the searing flames, ready for the next audience. Put on a new skin, to hide the scars on the last one. New trees, new sun, new world. Maybe this one will work for you. Maybe you won't hurt me this time. I lie to myself. Because I know my world will never be enough for you and so you'll burn everything down. Use my world to make a clear path for yours. Like if I was in your way this whole time, burned me into a step to reach further into your desires. Your cold soles on my face, spiked shoes, because the only warmth I'm allowed to receive from you is in the fire you set to my roots. Ripped me out of the ground that I put myself in, thinking I could find comfort next to you, ripped my heart out, and threw it somewhere else for me to find after you're gone. I'll ground myself next to someone just like you again. They won’t know, because I would have taken my fucked up life with me and put it all under a new skin. And now we start again, along someone else's path, they'll see my circus, built to entertain, yes I moved it here just for you, and did you hear that admission is free? You're so sweet. makes me lucky to have you here, but I already tasted your bitterness, I know your bittersweet, yet I'm here to do it all over again. Life already told me, there is no other scene or setting for me.
Reused Pain
It's a bottle filled to the brim.
Every drop causes a ripple and all the pain of the memories get turned over.
A view back into my life.
I flip through every page of pain, all under the same umbrella as this memory.
Hot lava and when it spills it stings too much
Burning at my core, I'm so fragile, so many cracks to spill into.
I reuse pain.
All snap and break out.
Their container is made of glass and you know how it always shatters.
And my greatest enemy,
Is how I used to think I had a strong heart
But the reality is I'm just good at washing the pain out
The slag never had a chance to fill in those cracks, never hardened, never stronger, never supported.
I only got better at cleaning up the mess
And that's why you only ever hear, that I'm okay.