Many a trip continues long after movement in time and space have ceased. - John Steinbeck

It’s sad that, as soon as you’re about to leave a place, you discover new reasons why you want to stay. My workouts so far have been in ‘Lokey Park’ (I know) next to my dorm. There are benches where I do pushups and stuff, and a short, flat pathway that I run back and forth across like five times for ‘cardio.’ I know that sounds really weird, but Haifa is literally a mountain and my knees start hurting if I run uphill. The problem is that switching directions makes me feel foolish, and I can’t workout at night because there are cats and wild boars and jackals and mosquitoes that come out.

But, just yesterday, I tried a new route along one side of the Technion campus, and discovered this well-lit open area where I could do most of my workout. Nice, flat land with no creatures to disturb me, right next to my dorm. I don’t even have that at Carnegie Mellon because our dorms are in the city and there are strange people and smoke at buildings everywhere. Point is, I was happy to find this place that I could incorporate into my workout routine, but I only have a few days left.

I’ve also finally figured out how to do ‘meal prep.’ Thanks to Lidia, my former Druze roommate, I can now cook bulgur pretty well. So, I just cook a ton of it for the week and put different spices and veggies in each day and it works out. My friend from the Czech Republic left for Egypt and gave us all of his spices, but since they’re all labeled in Hebrew or Russian or Czech, I’ve just been trying different ones everyday. I can do meal prep when I get home too, but it won’t be the same :(. I just feel like I’m finally figuring out how to live here and now I have to leave.

I’m trying to come to terms with whatever I accomplished regarding my research project. I definitely learned a lot, but not really about science, more about working independently. It’s a bit frustrating because I feel like this is something I should already know, and it would’ve been really great if I got results this summer, or if I was doing something more...impressive? I just feel like my project will look simplistic in addition to being unsuccessful at Meeting of the Minds next May. Like, all I did was mix some chemicals and a lot of pipetting. To be clear, I’m not upset about my experience at all. I really think it was essential for me to have. But I also wish it turned out differently. Does that make sense?

I started watching Suits (long story), and a lot of it revolves around Mike trying to figure things out by himself without Harvey being a mentor. I can relate, but without the high stakes. It’s so strange that you can find yourself stuck on a problem with absolutely no path forward, then you wait a few hours and then suddenly a solution presents itself. For example, I got some results a few weeks back and had no idea how to proceed, and then last week I spoke to a PhD student for just five minutes and everything seemed clear. Now, I’m stuck again, but I’m still waiting for the ‘aha’ moment to come. I tried reading a ton of literature yesterday but I couldn’t absorb it. Either I didn’t know what they were saying, or it seemed irrelevant, or I couldn’t focus, or I didn’t find it interesting. I really don’t know what the problem is, what my problem is. How do I figure out how to figure out things in a timely fashion?

Yesterday I was having a classic conversation about social awkwardness with my UConn friend. I say classic because many of my friends think they’re awkward and bad at making friends, but it’s really not true. Anyway, one of our lab members came up and started talking about his time in the army. He couldn’t give us an English word for his role, but he said he had to make people work together when they didn’t want to. It seemed to me like a manager or facilitator role. I asked how he did it, and he said a smile was essential, but he really doesn’t know. He just figured it out.

Despite my challenges in the lab, I feel surprisingly happy in Israel. Not because I think Israel’s a sad place, but because I struggle to be happy back at home. Maybe I’ve just finally matured. When I’m abroad, I’m more open and honest. I can ask questions to my overseas friends that I can’t at home. For me, asking questions is important - about careers, friends, being a woman - because I’m just beginning to enter that realm of adulthood and I feel very lost. I wish I could have such engaging conversations with people at my university and in my home. Maybe I actually can, but I feel that I can’t. I don’t know. Ironically, I haven’t figured out how to live at home yet, only how to live abroad.

I watched The Shape of Water with my friend two days ago. He said he didn’t like it as much because the characters were too black and white. You know that you’re supposed to love Eliza, hate Strickland, and identify with Giles. I guess he didn’t want the movie to tell him how to feel, maybe he wanted more of a challenge, or he found it boring that it was so clear-cut. I never thought of it like that...maybe that’s why I like animated movies so much, because they’re easy. A friend once told me ‘people are hard;’ he was right.

If this post seems rambling and unstructured, it’s because I am in a period of mental turmoil. Some of my thoughts are crystal clear, but I can’t connect them and there’s just this dark murkiness in my brain. Do I enjoy what I’m doing? Will I ever reach my goals? How will I learn to make decisions for myself? How do I know if I love someone? What is friendship?

Future me would probably say that the beauty of life is not knowing the answers to any of these questions. Past me would probably sit in a corner and cry about why things are like this. Present me is just kind of floating inside the turmoil, watching and waiting.