Embedded Files
JOE BIDEN SIMULATOR RELEASED! IT IS OUR OFFICIAL GAME
Issue #57
Today's Top Story:
Man Sues Zoo After Emu Bites Him On The Bum
A man in Australia is suing a zoo after an emu bit him on the bum while he was visiting. The man says he was walking through the emu enclosure when one of the birds came up behind him and took a bite out of his backside.
"I was just walking along, minding my own business, when I felt a sharp pain in my bum," the man said. "I turned around and saw the emu standing there with a big grin on its face."
The man says he was so surprised by the attack that he fell to the ground. The emu then started pecking at his head and neck.
"I thought I was going to die," the man said. "But then a zookeeper came running over and scared the emu away."
The man was taken to the hospital, where he was treated for puncture wounds and scratches. He says he is now suing the zoo for negligence.
"The zoo should have known that these emus are dangerous," the man said. "They should have had a warning sign up or something."
The zoo has denied any wrongdoing. They say that emus are generally harmless animals, and that the man must have done something to provoke the bird.
"We don't believe that the man was bitten without provocation," a zoo spokesperson said. "Emus are very gentle creatures, and they only attack when they feel threatened."
The case is currently going through the courts. It is unclear when a verdict will be reached.
Local Man Eats 5 Entire Pizzas, Regrets It Immediately
A man from Westfield, Indiana, ate 5 entire pizzas on Tuesday, and is now regretting his decision. The man, who has been identified as "Joey Chestnut," says he was feeling hungry and decided to order 5 large pizzas from his favorite pizza place. He ate the 5 entire pizzas in one sitting, and soon after started to feel sick.
"I ate all 5," Joey said. "I was so hungry, and it smelled so good. But then I started to feel really full. And then I started to feel really sick. I've never regretted anything so much in my life."
Joey says he is now suffering from a severe case of indigestion. He is also experiencing nausea and vomiting. He is currently being treated at a local hospital.
"I'm just warning everyone," Joey said. "Don't eat 5 entire pizzas in one sitting. It's not worth it."
Man Arrested for Trying to Sell Pet Rock as Emotional Support Animal
A man in Florida was arrested last week for trying to sell a pet rock as an emotional support animal. The man, who has not been identified, was reportedly selling the rock for $1,000. He told potential buyers that the rock was "trained to provide comfort and support" and that it could help with a variety of conditions, including anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
Police were alerted to the man's scam after a woman reported that she had bought the rock from him and that it had not provided her with any emotional support. The woman said that the rock was "just a rock" and that it "didn't do anything."
When police confronted the man, he admitted that the rock was not actually an emotional support animal. He said that he had been selling the rock as a way to make money and that he had not intended to scam anyone.
The man has been charged with fraud. He is scheduled to appear in court next month.
In the meantime, the rock is being held in police custody. It is unclear what will happen to the rock after the man's trial.
Chicken escapes from farm, goes on crime spree
A chicken is on the loose in the small town of Coopersburg, and it's not afraid to break the law. The chicken, who has been named "Clyde," has been terrorizing the town for the past week, stealing food from local businesses and defecating on people's property.
One witness, who was nearly run over by Clyde while he was crossing the street, said that the chicken is "the most menacing bird I've ever seen."
"He was just staring at me with his beady little eyes," the witness said. "I thought he was going to peck me to death."
Another witness, who was the victim of a Clyde theft, said that the chicken stole her sandwich right out of her hand.
"I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when this chicken came out of nowhere and snatched my sandwich right out of my hand," she said. "I couldn't believe it."
The local police department is investigating the Clyde crime spree, but so far they have been unable to apprehend the chicken.
"He's a slippery one," said Sheriff Cluck. "But we're determined to bring him to justice."
In the meantime, the residents of Coopersburg are advised to be cautious when they're out and about. Clyde is still on the loose, and he's not afraid to strike again.
Update: Clyde has been captured! After a week-long crime spree, the chicken was finally apprehended by police on Thursday. Clyde is currently being held in the Coopersburg jail, where he is awaiting trial.
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse